Healing isn’t for ‘after’ – The case for therapy during war

For many partners of soldiers, the war that erupted on October 7, 2023, has been a relentless assault on both the heart and mind. In the beginning, many told themselves that seeking therapy could wait. “When things calm down,” they reasoned, “then I’ll deal with it.” Yet over a year later, with no clear end in sight and loved ones continually called back into the field, many find themselves grappling with a painful emotional limbo that feels like it has no resolution. 

It’s understandable to feel that seeking help now is premature or even selfish. There’s a sense that healing is for “after” – for the moment when everyone is safely home, for when there’s room to process everything that’s happened. But let’s talk about why, even while your partner is still on the front lines, the idea that firmly establishing any sense of stability or healthy coping mechanisms can “wait” is terribly misinformed — with consequences for you and your loved ones.

The Myth of “Later”

When crisis hits, our brains naturally go into survival mode. We put aside the emotional toll for the sake of handling immediate needs. But the problem with waiting until “later” is that our minds and bodies are experiencing stress right now. You’re absorbing this tension every day: the anticipation, the dread of more separation or the next phone call. Left unattended, these layers of stress don’t simply disappear when the crisis ends; they sink deeper, having long-lasting impacts that complicate your ability to fully connect and feel safe, even when your loved one is home. 

Therapy isn’t about finding closure when there isn’t any; it’s about equipping yourself with the resilience you need now to face the continued uncertainty. It’s about finding a way to breathe, to center yourself, to remember that while you may feel like your life is on hold, your emotional health doesn’t have to be. If anything, it is times like these that solidifying healthy coping mechanisms and reasonable methods of dealing with compounding stress and anxiety is the most appropriate use of our time and energy. 

The Trauma of the “Sudden” and the “Sustained”

There’s a distinct kind of trauma that comes with each stage of this war. On October 7th, there was no preparation. We all woke up thinking it was just another Shabbat and suddenly found ourselves in the grips of an unimaginable reality, with loved one rushed off to defend the country. This abruptness left no time to mentally brace ourselves, heightening the shock and leaving many feeling utterly powerless. This is the kind of trauma that can disrupt your sense of stability overnight, with consequences reaching far into the future.

Since then, a new layer has been added. A husband or boyfriend might come home for a week, only to leave again for another round of duty. This cycle – this constant re-engagement – places an additional burden on our ability to relax or settle into any sense of normalcy. We might find ourselves anxiously counting down the days when he’s home, dreading his return to duty and feeling your emotions peak all over again with each goodbye. The sustained cycle of leaving and returning creates its own complex strain, making it even harder to fully process what’s being experienced, let alone learn to deal with it productively.

Why Therapy Now?

Starting therapy now doesn’t mean you’re trying to “heal” while your loved one is still in the line of fire. Instead, it’s an acknowledgment that you need tools to keep going. Therapy helps you learn strategies for managing anxiety and anguish in real time. It gives you the opportunity to understand your responses, validate your emotions, and work through the intensity of the highs and lows you’re experiencing.

By beginning therapy now, you’re also allowing yourself a safe space to express feelings you may not be able to voice elsewhere. Perhaps you’re angry, feeling burdened by the weight of it all, or guilty for even having those emotions. These are all natural responses, but they need a safe, supportive environment where they won’t be judged or dismissed. Therapy is a space where you can hold and explore those complex feelings, making it easier to show up for yourself and your loved one with greater emotional clarity and stability.

Showing Up for Yourself (and for others)

Many partners feel like they don’t have the right to focus on their own well-being when their loved ones are sacrificing so much. This goes for both those on the front, and those left at home to pick up the pieces. But, by prioritizing your mental health, you’re strengthening the foundation of your relationship. You’re developing the capacity to support your loved one without losing yourself to the endless demands of worry and fear. In fact, a well-supported partner is better equipped to be the kind of calm and reassuring presence that a soldier often needs when he calls or comes home. 

You’re not ignoring the war by seeking therapy; you’re taking responsibility for your emotional health within it. Therapy allows you to build inner resilience so that you can cope not only for yourself but also for the moments you’re there to support a partner in need.

In these difficult, uncertain times, taking care of your mental health is not an indulgence. It’s an act of love and commitment—to yourself, to your relationship, and to the future you want to build together. Therapy doesn’t mean you’re choosing to “move on” while your partner is still on the front lines. It means you’re finding the strength to stand firm, so that when he comes home, he finds not just a partner who has survived the storm, but one who has cultivated the resilience to face whatever the future holds, together.

So if you’ve been holding off, waiting for a “better time,” that “better time” is now. Don’t wait.