I was going to wait until after the holidays to write this (because everything here in Israel MUST wait until then) but after three looong days at home with the wife and kids, I suspect I won’t make it out alive. As my last act, I thought I’d share 10 reasons you need to get high on the holidays. I’m not talking new agey high as a result of exercise and endorphins, or a spiritual high from that two-week Vipassana retreat in the desert. Nope. I’m talking good old-fashioned cannabis crumbled up haphazardly, separated from stems and seeds and mixed with tobacco on rolling paper. It’s too late for me, but there may be time left for you…
(For legal reasons, I should say that this is satire (hee hee) and that smoking weed is illegal. It’s also probably bad for your lungs.)
- It’ll help you focus on the really awkward things you may or may not have done this past year. Because we all know that’s the best part about getting high is sitting in bed at 3 am overthinking all the cringeworthy stuff you’ve done. It’s Yom Kippur, the holy day of atonement so just, you know, apologize for that awful, awful thing you did, and most importantly, forgive yourself. Like, say, opening a Tik Tok account in your 40’s.
- You’ll forget that six Palestinian security prisoners pulled a daring “shawshank” and escaped by digging their way out of jail last week. I don’t know about you, but I grew up rooting for the escapees: Papillon, The Great Escape, Cool Hand Luke. I wonder who Hollywood will get to play the gang when the Netflix special comes out in a week. (Spoiler alert: it sucks and Miri Regev has already boycotted it.) So yeah, time to get high. And if you hear some digging, just ignore it.
- The needle. Just when you thought you were clean they pull you back in with a booster shot. Go out and get it because it’ll save your life. Or not. I don’t know. I get vaccinated first and ask questions later. Like, do I get a free popsicle? But here’s the kicker. It’s gonna hurt and if you’re a manly man of manliness (like moi), you’ll suffer silently. LOL. The weed definitely helps take the edge off.
- It’s been 20 years(!) since 9/11. Holy smokes I feel old. Hey, but at least we caught all the bad guys and stabilized the region. It only cost the US taxpayer a few trillion dollars. It’s not like any of that was needed for infrastructure, healthcare or education. Let’s smoke one for the oil revenue we left behind (or, perhaps, for The Taliban’s desire to foment peaceful relations with all the countries of the world… except you know who).
- Football. No, not the one with all the commercial breaks and the overt militaristic-nationalistic undertones. The other one. Israel lost 5-0 to Denmark in last week’s European Qualifier and while I know NOTHING about soccer, I did binge watch Two seasons of the wonderfully droll “Ted Lasso” so I’m uniquely qualified to critique the performance.
- You can’t dine inside of a restaurant anymore. Unless, of course, you test your kids for COVID every 72 hours. But screw it, you know? Tel Aviv is only like a bazillion degrees and the restaurants do have an industrial fan they can blast at you. It doesn’t cool you off but it’s so loud you can’t hear yourself complain about the heat. This is an ideal time to blaze that joint you’ve been carrying around all day. Best part? All the other moms and dads outside get a secondary high because of the intense fan.
- Ze plane! It’s been so long since you’ve been on a plane, you need to get high somehow. The best you can do in this country is go down. Waaaaay down. I’m talking 420+ meters below sea level.
- Smoking weed, while certainly not safe or healthy, is waaaaay better than some of the other vices out there. I could be a gambler, for instance, and sink all of my hard-earned shekels on some stupid game. Or a chewer of Gatt, or, worse, I could be one of those douchebags that bikes every Saturday and buys millions of shekels worth of riding gear just to lounge for several hours at Aroma on Saturday morning.
- You know what else is high? Housing costs. I’ve been waiting for a decade for the bubble to burst and nada. It makes me laugh to think that in the 1980s you could have been a VCR repair man and you would have had enough for a down payment on a house in Israel, as well as 1-2 family vacations a year. I work in high tech, in robotics, and I’ll never be able to afford a house. Unless I’m adopted by a very generous elderly person in frail health and with no living kin. I know, I know, that’s oddly specific but a girl can dream can’t she?
- PTSD. We’re all suffering from it here, habibi, despite my psychiatrist’s denials. We had a military conflict that sent us all to bomb shelters in the middle of the night, a global pandemic, lockdowns, several elections and an extremely hot and humid summer.
But beware of some of the side effects. Like the munchies, the laziness or worse, the paranoia. That always gets me. Speaking of, has anyone seen or heard from Bibi in the past few weeks? It’s like when you’re trying to chase the cockroach but it disappears under a couch and you don’t know if and when it will come out again.
So, if you or anyone you know is not getting high this high holiday, you should consider it. And when you do partake, please invite me. I’m running a bit low.