I Am Like Israel

I’ve decided, I am like Israel.

In my younger years I stayed quiet. I adapted to abusive treatment. I made excuses- oh people are just like that, oh everyone has to deal with weird stuff, oh that’s just part of life, oh people don’t mean it…but the worst was…there must be something wrong with me.

I accepted inappropriate sexual advances at my job- I had no choice- well of course I could have quit but when you have rent to pay it just is not that simple.

I’m not sure I ever felt safe growing up. My parents were both emotionally unavailable and as a family we never learned to look out for each other. Once I left home, I continued to feel unsafe. I had no one looking out for me, no one I could turn to if the waves got rough- but I adapted.

I’m not going to say it was an easy route. Eventually something changed in me. I was no longer willing to simply stay quiet and accept abuse.

Oh people did not like that.

Some friends turned on me- that’s ok- they weren’t good friends.

I decided to highly value myself- and in the process I began to speak my truth and stand up for myself.

I realize that there are many who struggle with this and simply live a life of assimilation. This was true for my grandparents when they immigrated to Canada.  They changed their Jewish names and did everything to fit in to Canadian society.  They knew that antisemitism was real and life threatening especially coming from where they grew up. I so understand this. Their way of securing position was to earn money and be financially self sufficient.

For myself- the situation was different. I kept quiet as a woman, I kept quiet to keep friendships, I kept quiet to keep my job, I even kept quiet during a sexual assault to keep my apartment. I honestly had no idea of my worth…for me it was purely for safety.

How did I come to feel safe? I’m not sure I did, I simply knew that my individuality superseded fitting in.   

I wonder if others sometimes feel like Israel- where the world does not feel on their side.

But it does not matter, all you need is to be on your own side. It’s ok to feel these feelings- especially when dealing with extreme enemies, like I am now with my hubs having stage 4 Cancer. Perhaps its a feeling born from having no control and momentary loss of control.

But then we have to be like Israel and fight back. We have to know we are worthy and that no matter what, no one can take our sense of individuality and self unless we let them.

Even when it comes to Cancer- we do what we can, mostly though, we live our best lives, no matter what, however that looks on any given day. We don’t have to stay quiet, we can write, or paint or express what needs to come out however we need.

We live- even if only through creativity. We are strong in spirit. We fight for our self…

Just like Israel.