I’m so tired of living through history

Last night, at 2:47 AM, my family again found ourselves huddled in our mamad (safe room) waiting for the current round of Iranian rockets to finish so we could at least try to go back to sleep. For anyone here in Israel, the last 48 hours have been difficult, both physically and mentally. For many of us, Shabbat was even more challenging as we really didn’t have a full picture of what was happening.

As I write this post, my entire body feels like it is still asleep, one step behind where it would be on a normal day. When I forced myself to get out of bed this morning, I read several WhatsApp messages that were sent by family and friends outside of Israel checking to make sure that we were okay and sending thoughts and prayers. We are grateful for the support, and we definitely need those prayers, now more than ever. Yet, this sense of tiredness is more than just a physical effect of two nights of little to no sleep. It actually goes far beyond the physical experiences.

I am so tired of seeing the news streaming in and wondering if friends and family living in places like Tel Aviv and Rehovot are OK. When tragedy takes place, our brains sometimes race to the worst-case scenarios. When we think of what could be, it is not so easy to just go back to sleep when the current barrage of rockets has ended.

I am so tired of not being able to participate in even the most basic activities that we often take for granted. Shuls were closed this past Shabbat, and not going felt like something was missing from our souls. Going to Shul on Shabbat is part of who we are and what we do. I have not missed a Shabbat in Shul since COVID, and to not be there this past week just felt wrong.

I am so tired of having to defend Israel’s right to exist. One would think that the world would be thanking Israel for this act of courage that no other nation in the world would take on. In reality, Israel, in the eyes of many uneducated and misinformed, is still the aggressor.

I am so tired of feeling trapped in my own home. With the airport closed and all planes relocated outside of Israel, there is literally no way to leave. It’s not like I have any immediate plans to go somewhere else, but it feels different when the choice is taken out of our hands.

I am so tired of having to recite the prayer for the hostages and say tehillim for our soldiers who are ensuring Israel’s survival. How long can this go on? The war with Iran is a necessity, but at the same time, the reports coming in are the most difficult. Every day, more of our dear soldiers are making the ultimate sacrifice. These are someone’s sons, friends, family, and neighbors. We all feel the pain.

I am so tired of living through history. As a history teacher, I teach my students about certain events that everyone remembers. In one generation, it was JFK’s assassination. In another generation, it was the fall of the Soviet Union and the Berlin Wall. I used to tell my students that every generation seems to have one major event that defines it. Sadly, this is not the case for our current generation. My 17-year-old son, who is supposed to graduate from high school this week, commented that so much has happened during his relatively short life. His examples included COVID, October 7, and now this war with Iran. I had never really thought about it from this perspective, but my son is right! How many of these types of episodes can one generation handle?

This list could go on and on, but these are the examples that come to mind now in my sleep-deprived state. I realize that there is no choice here and that we are fortunate to live in a country that stands up to hate and does not back down. We are fortunate that the IDF is working tirelessly to make sure that Israel exists for future generations. We hope and pray that we all remain strong and that we can each overcome these challenging times in our own ways. עם ישראל חי!