It could have been me

A few years ago a former friend of mine while doing his EuroTrip visited the Auschwitz concentration camps. Nothing wrong with wanting to learn about world history. The thing that bothered me then and still bothers me was a picture he put in his social media with the caption: This could have been me, I was born in a different generation but what if I would have ended up here?

No, buddy, there was absolutely no scenario and no generation where you could have ended up there. We are both Peruvians, there might be a hint of Spaniards in us (thank you, colonialism!) but Judaism was definitely and absolutely not in our DNA, and we both know it. Trying to show empathy cannot end up in you putting the light on your potential agony that given your roots, it would never happen.

Unfortunately, as much as I despise using the “it could have been me” phrase to relate to historical events, for October 7th, it could really have been me and once in a while the thought crosses my mind and I freeze. How am I still here? Would they have taken me? Would they have killed me on the spot? Would I have been able to save people? If taken, would the world speak up for me?

We are less than a month away from the anniversary of one of the saddest, darkest and most disgusting historical events my generation has seen. There is a saying in Israel that every generation has their own trauma. I always thought it was a bit dramatic to say that, but October proved me wrong and I hate the world for that. Over a thousand souls were murdered that day and close to 300 hundred taken as hostages to the deep of Gaza, being kept in those tunnels like their lives don’t matter. But they do.

Among the hostages there was a group of migrants – living here due to work opportunities, or love. As someone who runs a few projects about migrants I was shocked to see no international organization working on migrants say a word about them. Where was the International Organization for Migration and their director, Amy Pope? Was she too busy taking cool pictures to look into the tens of migrants being kept in the dark tunnels of Hamas? It was like the moment a migrant is associated in any aspect with Israel, their lives are no longer of international interest.
I am a migrant in Israel, I moved here because I am deeply in love with an Israeli man. What if that was me? What if we were living in the south and that October morning the terrorists would have taken me? Would my government have intervened? would the many international organizations allegedly fighting for the migrants fought for me, too? The evidence says no. Amy Pope would have preferred doing a tour visiting different allies instead of speaking up for the migrants, many of them women like her, being kept in Gaza against their will.

The amount of women that Hamas’ terrorists raped, assaulted, killed, kidnapped, abused and more should itself be enough to unite women around the globe and demand getting rid of Hamas and bringing our women back home. Apparently, all these actions have been considered an act of resistance by many feminist organizations, by many independent women. How is it that Carmel Gat and Eden Yerushalmi being kidnapped, starved and killed is an act of resistance? When did women start justifying this? How did we get to this point?

I had always had issues with the feminist movement (personal reasons) and the moment I was starting to understand them, to consider joining their forces, October 7th came along and convinced me that’s not a path I am willing to walk on ever again. #MeTooUnlessYouAreJewish, even though I don’t like the hashtag because it puts in the background the many non Jewish women that were also attacked, kidnapped and murdered on October 7th, I also understand the reason behind it. Women around the world read Israel+attacks and automatically decided it was justified, and whoever lives in this land deserved what they got that day.

I am exhausted. I am frustrated. I am freaking out. I am scared. I am panicking. I am living the best I can with a world that gets smaller on me by the minute. I don’t know how the people of Israel do it. I am in awe of their strength, their resilience, their passion. I am captivated by their will to keep living, to keep growing, to keep helping each other. I wish I could be one of them, I wish someday they won’t think of me as a foreigner.

I believe since October 7th many of us are living on autopilot, doing things by memory but not with passion. We are just going with the flow and if we get to enjoy life a bit we do it, but end up feeling guilty because our people are still hostages in Gaza, because we have not heard from them. Because 2 little babies are growing in an environment full of hatred and suffering. It could have been me being taken along with Carmit and Eden and I am not sure I would have been strong enough to survive until now. It could have been me and the thought will terrify me forever.
I do not want their memory to be a revolution. I mean I do, I am holding to their memories to keep fighting, to keep living. More than anything I want their comeback to be a revolution. I want Kfir and Ariel to grow in a world where their lives are not at risk just for being Jewish. I want those 101 hostages to be part of the revolution of building a world where yes, Palestinian and Israelis can coexist. A world where no Jewish person would ever need to hide their identity. May their memory and their lives be a revolution, be our revolution.

11 months later I am still learning to live in a world that hates us just because. I still cry in the middle of the streets because I learned a new fact related to October 7th. I still wait for a new siren to send me running to a shelter. I am still cutting relationships because they are unable to hear my story before jumping to conclusions. I still suspect some of them would have justified my death on October 7th. I still have issues with the Israeli government but I still love their people with all of my heart. I still believe it could have been me. I still believe that despite my lack of Jewishness, Israel would go to the end of the world to bring me back, just like we will go until the end to bring back our 101 people.