It’s okay not to forgive

There’s this pressure to always forgive people for their misdeeds or downright abuse. Why? You won’t go to heaven if you don’t forgive everyone who has wronged you. God tell us so. We’ve all heard that before, right? These thought-terminating-cliches.

I don’t believe God, infinite intellect, is so black-and-white. I know, a religious radical would roll his eyes and tell me, ”God doesn’t care what you believe.” Yeah, same old with the fanatics. Look, there are situations when you just can’t forgive. I won’t list them here because you can come up with a long list on your own. The ones who talk about forgiveness no matter what, well, they haven’t been faced with such situations in life. There’s this belief that if you don’t forgive, then you must hate, you must hold a grudge. Forgive and forget, they say. No, sometimes saying that you won’t forgive another person is actually cathartic. Indeed, it goes both ways. You might not be forgiven.

It’s a terrible feeling but it’s also a necessary feeling that makes us grow. If you do terrible things and you expect everyone to forgive you, even if it takes a long time, then you’ll never learn how it feels when someone says, ”No. I can’t and won’t forgive you.” And not all people are willing to forgive and forget. It’s their right and judging them for it is uncalled for. Isn’t it strange that people who pontificate about not judging others are actually the first to judge you when you don’t want to forgive others? The ”people who never judge” don’t see the irony, of course. It’s nonsense, we all judge.

You have no obligation to forgive people. It’s your good will. And those who are going to moralize and tell you it’s wrong, that you must forgive because it’s going to make you feel better – excuse me, how do they know? They aren’t you. Sometimes, not forgiving and not forgetting is the way. It builds character. It’s so easy to pretend to be holy and quote this supposedly holy text and that text. But life is life and writes brutal and dark scenarios at times. So don’t pressure people to forgive and forget if they don’t want to. It’s not forgiving that is needed for healing at times.

Not forgiving is telling God, ”I refuse to whitewash what that person did to me.” Hashem is likely going to understand. He won’t be playing mediator in the afterlife. Knowing the circumstances in such detail we can’t even fathom, God might as well say to the abuser or the perpetrator, ”No, you’ve gone too far. No forgiveness for you. Forgiving you is for suckers enabling further abuse. The cycle ends now. You have only yourself to blame.” Indeed, oftentimes, when abusers and other evil-doers ask for forgiveness, it’s for selfish reasons. Maybe they’re religious and are afraid of sending themselves or being sent – to hell? Who knows. Then why would you want to forgive them if it’s a purely business transaction, except you don’t really get anything in return, so it’s more like a sucker’s transaction having nothing to do with atonement, repentance or contrition?

Sadists who abuse kids in twisted religious rituals want forgiveness? The only thing they deserve is a close encounter with the Bay Harbor Butcher, though I doubt Dexter Morgan would want any of them in his slide box blood collection.

Not forgiving doesn’t need to be about hatred and grudges. Not forgiving is also about taking one’s power back. It’s you communicating to the world that there are things you can’t and won’t just ignore because your abuser tells you he or she is sorry. If Hashem wants you to accept forgiveness, He will let you know. But I don’t believe for a second God wants us to forgive and forget every single time. Do you really expect Hashem to be so simple-minded? Please. Have some humility and respect. You’re dealing with the Creator of the universe, perhaps even multiverse. A self-aware infinite intellect. He knows you better than you know yourself. So don’t patronize Him. For all you know, God might send someone to hell, whatever that hell is like, and throw away the key. Or purgatory, if they are lucky and if purgatory even exists, as it’s not a concept accepted by many religions.

What makes you think God’s always going to engage in mediation efforts? Too many assumptions and assertions as to how Hashem sees things. Hashem is infinity and no text can fully grasp how He chooses to act. Believing one can decipher Hashem’s will based on one, even ten, texts, is the height of chutzpah to me.

Heed my advice (warning) and don’t argue with people about this. Especially religious radicals. I’ve been around way too many religious radicals, fanatics, call them whatever you want – and one thing they have in common, regardless of what they believe, is their holier-than-thou high-horse attitude. Some are aggressive about it and will scream and shout, tell you about going to hell and all the tortures. Some are more low-key, they pretend to be moderate, and it takes time to see the fanatic behind the mask. Some even try to be comedians. We have a saying in Polish, “Curiosity is the first step to hell.” One quasi-exorcist told me, in an attempt at comedy, ”Curiosity is the first step to.. sainthood.” Wow, how hilarious. The guy’s going to win all stand-up comedy battles in no time. Make no mistake – people like me, who are open to all sorts of ideas, are going to be one of the first groups to be targeted for physical elimination when these (so-called Catholic traditionalists and friends) beret-loving lunatics get governmental powers. Elimination is fast and permanent. Hyperbole and propaganda? Wait till they take over. I’m looking at pictures of public executions in Iran. Cranes. Some victims were so young.

I’m sure there’s some moralizing rabbi, pastor or a priest ready to forgive the executioners.