Moshe-Mordechai van Zuiden
Psychology, Medicine, Science, Politics, Oppression, Integrity, Philosophy, Jews

Laughing off the Middle East news and beyond

It’s good that the media give us all the information but often there is nothing we can do with it but to feel bad about it or shrug it off.  But sometimes I can’t help seeing the humor in the whole mess. Despite the media’s proper commitment to seriousness. Taking life a tad lighter.

(Spoiler alert: several may involve some measure of laughing off other people’s miseries. Insensitivity not intended. Some true and serious included references are unintended — sorry for that. You’re not supposed to find all of the dozen jokes funny.)

* The Israeli lunar module didn’t land but crashed. Brave attempt, sad outcome. They got a million dollar consolidation price for their effort anyway.

I would say to Hamas: This is your chance to make an easy million bucks. Shoot one of your rockets to the moon instead of to Tel Aviv. As soon as it crashes at the lunar, you can celebrate that you’re the fifth country that got to the moon. And try to claim your bonus.

If you miss, shoot a couple of them because frankly, you have plenty. Maybe shoot a rocket every week. Maybe they’ll keep paying you. And maybe you also get to light a torch on Israel’s Independence Day. As the Dutch saying goes: nothing ventured, nothing gained, literally: not shooting is always missing (niet geschoten is altijd mis).

* Now quiet has returned at the border with Gaza, Netanyahu has thanked Chamas for their indispensible semi-attacks that got him the maximum number of Likud seats. So far, I made this one up.

* Meanwhile the news brought: “Palestinian president swears in new government.” I’m glad the report left out the curse words.

* In yet another unprecedented Israeli land grab, G^d has just moved an innumerable amount of Egyptian sand (Genesis 22:17) to Israel. Will the UN Security Council let Him off the hook? Unlikely.

But Israel’s Chief Rabbis have just announced that this is a sign that G^d doesn’t want us to do Pesach cleaning in Israel, which here typically takes less than a week–just when we wanted to get started. Chief Rabbi Aviner disagrees by quoting lo bashamayim hee, the Torah is not [decided] in Heaven [anymore] (Deuteronomy 30:12).

Christians take the Egyptian reference as a nod towards their Jerusalem Palm March. (The palm tree is foreign here, does not exist in the wild in Jerusalem, only is planted artificially and greatly suffers its colds, which the distant Vatican authors of the New Testament (John 12:13) were unaware of. The palms at the French Square and Patt Intersection have just been removed, probably because of pests easily infesting them because of their shaky existence. Happy Palm Sunday to our Christian friends! )

* Everything is messy in the Mideast. That’s how people stay flexible and successful. Forget about OCD-like behavior being the safest. It’s the slowest and the least flexible. So we know that as long as the Central Elections Committee (CEC) says that all went perfect, there is a cover up. Luckily, any spookiness will be judged by the Supreme Court and the CEC is run by a Supreme Court Justice, so we know what that will conclude.

* I just realized how different our Wall Street is from the US Wall Street.

* Sadly, two high-profile Orthodox-Jewish marriages in the Diaspora are in danger now the wife of one and the husband of the other seem to have been unfaithful to their partners. Shocking indeed. However, I heard of a nice solution. Let the cheated partners insist on a divorce and then marry each other. The sweetest revenge.

* Trump most likely keeps his tax returns a secret to hide that he’s not a millionaire but rather a bankrupt person living it off still. How different from anti-Zionist Bernie let’s-get-the-millionaires Saunders who probably has failed to free his tax returns so far, from shame that he is a millionaire. I did not make this one up. It’s for real. Coming out rich.

You would laugh too if it happened to you. All the way to the bank.

* But I’ll close off with a totally serious remark: I want Jonathan Pollard at the Seder Pesach in Jerusalem this year. Let Our Person Go.

About the Author
The author is a fetal survivor of the pharmaceutical industry (DES - Diethylstilbestrol), born in 1953 to two Dutch Holocaust survivors who met in the largest concentration camp in the Netherlands, Westerbork, and holds a BA in medicine (University of Amsterdam). He taught Re-evaluation Co-counseling, became a social activist, became religious, made Aliyah, and raised three wonderful kids. He wrote an unpublished tome about Jewish Free Will. He's a vegan for 8 years now. * His most influential teachers (chronologically) are: his parents, Nico (natan) van Zuiden and Betty (beisye) Nieweg, Wim Kan, Mozart, Harvey Jackins, Marshal Rosenberg, Reb Shlomo Carlebach and lehavdiel bein chayim lechayim: Rabbi Dr. Natan Lopes Cardozo and Rav Zev Leff. * Previously, for decades, he was known to the Jerusalem Post readers as a frequent letter writer. For a couple of years he wrote hasbara for the Dutch public. His fields of attention now are varied: Psychology (including Sexuality and Abuse), Medicine (including physical immortality), Science, Politics (Israel, the US and the Netherlands, Activism - more than leftwing or rightwing, he hopes to highlight Truth), Oppression and Liberation (intersectionally, for young people, the elderly, non-Whites, women, workers, Jews, GLBTQAI, foreigners and anyone else who's dehumanized or exploited), Integrity, Philosophy, Jews (Judaism, Zionism, Holocaust and Jewish Liberation), Ecology and Veganism. Many people can't understand or like him because he has such a wide vision that he never fits any specialist's box. But that exactly what others love about him. Many of his posts relate to affairs from the news or the Torah Portion of the Week or are new insights that suddenly befell him. * He hopes that his words will inspire and inform, reassure the doubters but make the self-assured doubt more. He strives to bring a fresh perspective rather than bore you with the obvious. He doesn't expect his readers to agree. Rather, original minds must be disputed. In short, his main political positions are: anti-Trumpism, for Zionism, Intersectionality, non-violence, democracy, anti the fake peace process, for original-Orthodoxy, Science, Free Will, anti blaming-the-victim and for down-to-earth optimism. Read his blog how he attempts to bridge any discrepancies. He admits sometimes exaggerating to make a point, which could have him come across as nasty, while in actuality, he's quit a lovely person to interact with. He holds - how Dutch - that a strong opinion doesn't imply intolerance of other views. * His writing has been made possible by an allowance for second generation Holocaust survivors from the Netherlands. It has been his dream since he was 38 to try to make a difference by teaching through writing. He had three times 9-out-of-10 for Dutch at his high school finals but is spending his days communicating in English and Hebrew - how ironic. G-d must have a fine sense of humor. In case you wonder - yes, he is a bit dyslectic. November 13, 2018, he published his 500st blog post with the ToI. * He likes doing age-appropriate and age-inappropriate things and looks forward to getting to know his timeless mature out-of-the-box soul mate. * To send any personal reaction to him, scroll to the top of the blog post and click Contact Me.
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