Leaked! Trump’s Plans for Israel (satire)
I recently holidayed at the famed Trump resort, Mar-a-Lago. While it had all the amenities one would expect from a Trump property (golden gilded holes in the roof, gold-leaf toilet paper, Trump Bibles available in the minibar, etc.), what was most surprising was just how uncomfortable the beds were. All night long, I struggled to find a position that didn’t feel crinkly or make a strange sound every time I moved. Finally, at around 3 am, I couldn’t take it anymore. I got out of bed and tore the golden sheets off to see what the issue was. To my surprise, I found the mattress layered with documents labeled “Top Secret Plans for Israel.” I spent the rest of the night reading. I have written below a breakdown of those plans.
Some of this shouldn’t come as a surprise, as he had already stated he wanted to turn Gaza into the Riviera of the Middle East, but the depths of those goals go much deeper. According to the documents I’ve read, Trump’s plan for all of Israel is to turn it into the latest timeshare branch of his Trump Hotel chain.
The Pitch:
If you are a tyrant, dictator, oligarch, or trillionaire, you may only have 10-15 more summers to invade and ultimately take over a country before you are overthrown, assassinated, or finally move into your Martian dream home. Wars are expensive and exhausting to plan. When you finally have a moment to take a break from oppressing your own citizens or shareholders, all you really want to do is go into invasion mode to take your mind off things. The average dictator promises his subjects at least 2 hostile takeovers a year, but those promises are rarely fulfilled. This is why Trump’s Israel Timeshare is “the perfect solution.”
Why invade a country when you can skip all the warlording and jump right into the pleasures of being an autocrat? Anyone from Kim Jung Un to David Ellison can now run Israel for up to two weeks a year. With Trump’s Israel Timeshare, anyone* can be an owner! It just makes economic sense, especially with those torch-carrying villagers due at your compound any day now.
*Anyone pertains to those with enough money to be considered relevant.
How to Apply:
- Make a direct deposit of $100 Billion directly into a special Cayman Island account controlled by the Trump family.
- Take a photo of your official submission to the Nobel Foundation, nominating Donald Trump for the peace prize, or create your own Peace Prize, for which President Trump is the only nomination.
- Sign over rights for all of the oil, rare earth metals, and other natural resources (found or to be discovered) in your country to the Trump family in perpetuity.
- Submit a 1000-word essay on your views of the role of AI in the future of global domination and automation of civilian oversight and control. We are just kidding, it’s a vacation, you’re supposed to have some fun.
How it Works:
Buying into Trump’s Israel Timeshare could not be simpler!
After you are accepted, you will receive 30,000 Trump points. Every Trump point is worth 1/8th of a Trump Token. You can then use Trump Tokens to purchase Trump Israel Timeshare NFTs. These NFTs can then be applied to the city within Israel you wish to occupy. Occupation is measured by days but cannot be taken out in increments of fewer than one week or exceeding two weeks. This does not include bumps during peak periods. For instance, Bethlehem on Christmas involves a 30% increase in Trump points, a 15% increase in Trump Tokens, and the need to buy a special edition Timeshare NFT, which cannot be purchased from the original 30,000 Trump Points. Owners will need to gift President Trump an airplane, special orb, or a hand-painted image of him arm wrestling Jesus with a big rig in the background, ala the Over the Top movie poster, to get super special Trump Points, which can then be applied to the traditional system with the increased costs.
Because of President Trump’s recent global expansion efforts, owners of the Trump Israel Timeshare will also be able to transfer their points for buy-ins at other Trump countries Trump believes he controls including:
Venezuela
Cuba
Iran
Greenland
Canada
New Mexico
Xanadu
Syria
Somalia
France
and the United States
Trump Points for Israel have a 5:1 conversion rate for any of the countries listed, which in turn have a 5:1 conversion rate for Israel.
JD Vance will be available to answer any questions along the way, though his answers are not guaranteed to be actionable, and Mr. Trump takes no responsibility for anything he or Vance says on the matter.
As with any Trump Property, the real value is in the amenities, and that is no different for Trump’s Israel Timeshare. Big Changes are coming that only President Trump could imagine.
- The Dome of the Rock will now feature The Donald’s face carved into the top so that it appears as if he is staring directly into the sun and will colloquially be known as “The Dome of the Trump”
- The Red Sea will be dyed American Flag Red so that it can truly live up to its name.
- The city of Eilat will be renamed to I Like Trump Eilat
- Falafel will be replaced with bunless Big Macs throughout the country as the national snack. Diet Coke will remain just as popular.
- Jews and Muslims alike will be categorized as “illegals” during peak seasons and placed in internment camps, where they will discover how to put aside their generational anger and start the long healing process, but it will be far too late, as all sides will be too busy with their indentured servitude to the tyrant du jour.
Yes, Donald Trump’s timeshare vision for the future of Israel truly seems like heaven on earth for the worst of the worst. Unfortunately, I will not be there to see it happen, as my golden toilet paper cut, from my time at Mar-a-Lago, has become infected and led to sepsis. Turns out it was spray-painted tin foil.
