Moments at the Kotel

I take 3 deep breaths and I open up my Book.

Before I even begin to read the words set up for me to realize what I want for this world, I close my eyes and I ask Hashem to help open me up.

Sometimes it’s so hard to pour my heart but it’s all I want. I want closeness to Him.

I want connection to the ultimate source of all goodness in this world.

I begin to read the words that remind me who I am a descendent of. Chessed, Din, Emet all aspects of my inner soul.

Reminded of the powerful infinite force before me and in me, His name itself is something so holy I should keep separate from every day speech.

I ask for insight and understanding of life, of Torah, of all the subjects I am learning.

I ask Him to forgive me but even more for Him to give me the strength to forgive myself.

Redemption, health, parnasa, justice, meshiach, mercy, thankfulness. Realizing that He is ultimately in control – all else is the wisest illusion to cut Him out of the picture. Through his infinite wisdom – He did this so we can choose to see Him.

Taping into the letters that are as old as Creation – the same letters that He uses himself.

These letters hidden with infinity are put together to unlock spiritual portals of blessing I can’t even begin to fathom. Flows of bracha pouring into this world and I have the merit of unlocking them with my words.

I close my eyes and speak to Abba from my heart. I ask him to help my family at home, for health, shalom bayit and for my bigger family: all of Israel.

Fix all those that are broken. Help me to work on myself to overcome my yetzer hara to become who I should be for my besheret.

I take 3 steps back and I ask for peace. I continue walking back and back as I sit almost hidden and look at what is left of a broken shkiena longing to be restored in it’s ultimate glory.

I hear the mumbling of different minyanim calling out to our Father, our King. The air is so crisp and smooth. In and out of my lungs giving me a new breathe of life. Refreshing.

I see the women around me crying out to Hashem and I repeat over and over Help them from crying. Heal their hearts. Women coming with their infants opening up my eyes for hope that this is the future of our people they will bring peace and meshiach.

I look up and the blackness of the sky humbles me to realize how small I am. But it’s ok. The greatest force in the universe is listening to me. I see the stars that are above me and the moon. The symbol of the Jewish people. The ultimate light in a thick sheet of darkness.

I see the birds flying around not looking at any certain point to sit, but singing songs of glory to their Creator. For this one moment, time ceases to exist – all of the past and all of the future is here and now.

I come here and I feel everything will be ok. I am taken care of by the greatest force of chessed and love in the universe – even beyond. All my doubts and worries slowly dissipate as I close my eyes. All I want is to make a kiddush hashem. I want to overcome my struggles to bring G-dliness into this world. I want to bring light that will bring the ultimate light of redemption.

Clarity. Serenity. Inner peace. Home.

About the Author
Tiffany is a baalat teshuva trying to live the delicate balance between the ancient words of Torah and life in the concrete jungle as a masters student at Yeshiva University. She has a deep love for Israel, for the Jewish people, and for the complexity and beauty of words.
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