New Santos Resume Discovered (Satire)
George Santos you have pissed me off.
And when I get pissed off, I get even.
Just ask the people I’ve worked with at Yeshiva University (YU).
So after I read that you posted jokes about Adolf Hitler killing Jews and Blacks on FaceBook, your name rang a bell.
I remembered last year’s list of applicants for the position of YU’s President and CEO.
Yup, I recalled your name.
So I scoured our filing cabinets and located your resume buried deep inside our “Rejected— Applicants File is BS”
So George, here’s your curriculum vitae:
Resume of George Santos
Professional Summary:
Based upon my skills, knowledge, experience and training in fiscal and Jewish affairs, I know that I am the most qualified candidate to be the next President and CEO of Yeshiva University.
Work History:
Fashion model and mohel for the town of Anatevka
Stand in and stuntman for Paul Newman during the shooting of “Exodus”
Journalist for Brazilian media conglomerate Globo
Wall Street financier and investor for Citigroup and Goldman Sacks
While at GS, I convinced Goldman and Sacks to merge.
Trump University—Adjunct professor of Ethics and Fraud Avoidance
Education:
Baruch College—Bachelor’s Degree in Finance and Economics
Graduated in top percentile of my class with a 3.89 GPA
New York University—Master’s of Business Administration
Scored 710 on the GMAT
Academic Publications:
“Balfour Agreement—Why Is This Agreement Important?” Oxford Press (2011)
“Zionism: Good or Bad?” HarperCollins Publishers LLC (2021)
Uncredited editor and ghost writer:
“Der Judenstaat” by Theodor Herzl— I also convinced Herzl not to convert and that the Jewish state should be located in the Middle East and not in Africa
“The Declaration of Independence of the State of Israel” David Ben-Gurion and others, where I also convinced Ben-Gurion to wear a simple white, short sleeve shirt instead of a suit and tie when he made the declaration to give him a more masculine appearance
“The Diary of Anne Frank”
I coined the term: “Never Again”
Conferences:
Speaker and attendee at Sixth Zionist Conference in Basil, Switzerland, I told Theodore, “Please pose for a photo standing on the Hotel Les Trois Rois’ balcony, clasping your hands and looking like you’re contemplating the future of the Jewish people.”
Skills: Gasconader, shnorrer, professional smiler and withstander of large quantities of ridicule from people snickering behind my back
Honors and Activities:
The Einstein Award presented by Princeton University for being so smart and clever as to never getting caught telling an untruth
The Ner-Talmud (Eternal Light) Metal with Oak Clusters for being the best Jewish Boy Scout in American history
The Gonif Award presented by the Brazilian Check Writers Association
Holder of the Mendacity Chair at Hebrew University
The Bondit Award for Beating the System given by the people of New York’s 3rd Congressional District
The Shtick of Drek Award for outlandish behavior granted by the Trump Organization
The Groisser Gornicht Medal from the Brazilian Drag Queen Society
The Nishgudnik Trophy from the US Department of Justice
Founding member of the Technion’s, Ruth and Bruce Rappaport Faculty of Medicine—specializing in the psychology of habitual liars
President and cofounder of Creating a Judenfrie Republican House and Senate
References provided upon request.
George, now we are even.
