New Santos Resume Discovered (Satire)

George Santos you have pissed me off.

And when I get pissed off, I get even.

Just ask the people I’ve worked with at Yeshiva University (YU).

So after I read that you posted jokes about Adolf Hitler killing Jews and Blacks on FaceBook, your name rang a bell.

I remembered last year’s list of applicants for the position of YU’s President and CEO.

Yup, I recalled your name.

So I scoured our filing cabinets and located your resume buried deep inside our “Rejected— Applicants File is BS”

So George, here’s your curriculum vitae:

Resume of George Santos

Professional Summary:

Based upon my skills, knowledge, experience and training in fiscal and Jewish affairs, I know that I am the most qualified candidate to be the next President and CEO of Yeshiva University.

Work History:

Fashion model and mohel for the town of Anatevka

Stand in and stuntman for Paul Newman during the shooting of “Exodus”

Journalist for Brazilian media conglomerate Globo

Wall Street financier and investor for Citigroup and Goldman Sacks

While at GS, I convinced Goldman and Sacks to merge.

Trump University—Adjunct professor of Ethics and Fraud Avoidance

Education:

Baruch College—Bachelor’s Degree in Finance and Economics

Graduated in top percentile of my class with a 3.89 GPA

New York University—Master’s of Business Administration

Scored 710 on the GMAT

Academic Publications:

“Balfour Agreement—Why Is This Agreement Important?” Oxford Press (2011)

“Zionism: Good or Bad?” HarperCollins Publishers LLC (2021)

Uncredited editor and ghost writer:

“Der Judenstaat” by Theodor Herzl— I also convinced Herzl not to convert and that the Jewish state should be located in the Middle East and not in Africa

“The Declaration of Independence of the State of Israel” David Ben-Gurion and others, where I also convinced Ben-Gurion to wear a simple white, short sleeve shirt instead of a suit and tie when he made the declaration to give him a more masculine appearance

“The Diary of Anne Frank”

I coined the term: “Never Again”

Conferences:

Speaker and attendee at Sixth Zionist Conference in Basil, Switzerland, I told Theodore, “Please pose for a photo standing on the Hotel Les Trois Rois’  balcony, clasping your hands and looking like you’re contemplating the future of the Jewish people.”

Skills: Gasconader, shnorrer, professional smiler and withstander of large quantities of ridicule from people snickering behind my back

Honors and Activities:

The Einstein Award presented by Princeton University for being so smart and clever as to never getting caught telling an untruth

The Ner-Talmud (Eternal Light) Metal with Oak Clusters for being the best Jewish Boy Scout in American history

The Gonif Award presented by the Brazilian Check Writers Association

Holder of the Mendacity Chair at Hebrew University

The Bondit Award for Beating the System given by the people of New York’s 3rd Congressional District

The Shtick of Drek Award for outlandish behavior granted by the Trump Organization

The Groisser Gornicht Medal from the Brazilian Drag Queen Society

The Nishgudnik Trophy from the US Department of Justice

Founding  member of the Technion’s, Ruth and Bruce Rappaport Faculty of Medicine—specializing in the psychology of habitual liars

President and cofounder of Creating a Judenfrie Republican House and Senate

References provided upon request.

George, now we are even.