Stir-fry during ballistic missile attacks

We all know that special type of hungry you get when you spend the entire day running up and down from your bomb shelter. Well, I’ve got just the fix for you! How about a big, hearty stir-fry to scratch your wartime itch?

“But wait,” I hear you say, “How could I possibly make a stir-fry when I’m constantly running from Iranian missiles?!” Fear not, I’ve got you covered. Follow this exclusive recipe to not only see how to make a sensational stir-fry, but how to make it during several extended missile barrages.

(Recipe followed by tips for success in Method, below)

Servings: 8–10 (it’s critical to meal prep and cook as much as you can now — who knows when you’ll get another chance to cook?)

Prep time: 15 mins
Cooking time: 25 mins
Bomb shelter time: 5–6 hrs
Total: 5–7 hrs

Ingredients

Stir-Fry Ingredients
*1.25 kg firm tofu, pressed and cut into 2.5 cm cubes
*Vegetable oil
*1/2 cup cornflour (US: corn starch)
*2 onions, chopped into rough chunks
*8 cloves of garlic, finely sliced
*Thumb-sized piece of ginger, finely chopped
*2 teaspoons chili flakes
*2 carrots, sliced fairly thin
*1 capsicum (US: red pepper), chopped into large chunks
*1 broccoli, chopped into chunks
*300 g mushrooms, torn into rough chunks
*4–5 spring onions, sliced
*Cashews
*Stir fry sauces (see method)
*Rice

Snacks and Sustenance (critical)
Salted almonds
Bamba (Israeli peanut snack)
Coffee and quick brewing method of your choice
Breath mints

Entertainment (also critical)
Good book
Deck of cards
Backgammon board

Method

1. Set a clear intention. During wartime, a stir-fry will not cook itself. You could eat instant noodles and chips, but you’ve decided you deserve better. Brace yourself — by the end of this stir-fry, you’ll feel as tossed around as that sliced onion.
2. Begin by washing the dirty dishes in the sink. At this point, the red alert siren will instruct you to shelter from incoming missiles. Abandon dishwashing immediately and hurry to the bomb shelter. Dirty dishes are unpleasant, but being eviscerated by a ballistic missile is worse.
3. While you are down in the shelter, chances are you’ll begin craving a coffee. It’s been a while since the first siren woke you in the morning, and a day of scrambling up and down the stairs depletes your caffeine reserves. When the all-clear is given, return to your apartment.
4. Finish the dishes. Another alert sounds. You still haven’t made coffee. Load the Aeropress, boil the kettle — sirens again. Settle for tepid, under-extracted compromise. Drink on the way to the door. At this point, it may be accurately observed that no work has begun at all on the stir-fry itself.
5. While in the shelter, you’ll start to get hungry. Reach into your “go-bag.” Salted almonds are a particularly suitable snack for such situations. At this point, odors of almonds and coffee will be mingling inharmoniously in your breath. You are in a closed space with neighbors. Apply one breath mint. In an attempt to feel you’re not wasting time, continue reading the classic novel you’re laboring through. After 90 minutes, return to your apartment.
6. Recognizing the urgency of what might be a very brief time in the kitchen, begin preparing your tofu. Preheat the oven to 200°C. Toss tofu cubes in a tablespoon of vegetable oil and coat with cornflour. Lay on a lined baking tray.
7. You will now receive yet another warning alert. The tofu should bake for around 30 minutes, so you have a decision to make: either abort the stir-fry, or set a timer for 30 minutes and risk a dash up to the apartment from the shelter to turn off the oven. Recall the intention you set in step 1: aborting the stir-fry is not an option.
8. While in the shelter, extreme boredom may take hold. Desperate times call for desperate measures, so ask your housemate to teach you backgammon. Play a game, and just as you are comprehensively defeated, your tofu timer will go off. Provided there is a lull in overhead explosions, dash upstairs to turn off the oven. Return to the shelter and politely decline a backgammon rematch.
9. During the next all-clear, make swift headway with your vegetables. Chop onions, garlic, and ginger, and set aside. Similarly, prepare your carrots, capsicum, broccoli, and mushrooms. The trick here is to balance the apprehension of only having minutes till the next missile barrage with the fact that you’re wielding a sharp chef’s knife. Beware of shaky hands. Retreat to shelter when the siren resumes.
10. In the shelter, take your mind off the sounds of explosions by continuing to read your book. When your hunger becomes too much of a distraction, snack on some Bamba from your go-bag. After an hour, head back upstairs.
11. Heat oil in a large wok. Fry onions, garlic, ginger, and chilli flakes. Once these are softened, turn off the stove and use this opportunity for a precautionary toilet break, as you don’t know when the next siren will sound.Returning to your stir-fry, add carrots, capsicum, and broccoli, tossing until just softening, and then add the mushrooms. At this point, make the most of this unusually long all-clear and add your stir-fry sauces of choice. Recommendation: light soy, dark soy, fish sauce, oyster sauce, and a teaspoon of cornflour dissolved in half a cup of water. Finish by stirring through the crispy tofu cubes (by now cold), spring onions, and cashews. The siren will sound. Retreat.
12. In the shelter, use the surge of optimism about the stir-fry waiting for you upstairs to your advantage — be sociable. Entertain the neighbor’s toddler by building a card castle. When the all-clear is given, knock it over and return to your meal.

    

Serving suggestion: Serve with generous rice to stretch supplies. Freeze extra portions. Store remaining containers so they can be carried quickly to the shelter. With this volume, you have several days covered.

Your stir-fry should be an explosive success — enjoy!