Reflections on Love, Loss, and Survival in Israel

Eden Conference photo credit Naomi Grumet

What a siren, a safe room, and a conference taught me about relationships in the shadow of war

Dr. Danny Brom, founding director of Metiv – The Israel Center for the Treatment of Psychotrauma – said it best at the recent Eden Center conference on Dating and Relationships in the Wake of War:
“We are not post-trauma. We are in trauma.”

The moment was unforgettable. Dr. Brom had just begun his talk when the siren sounded. Over 100 participants — educators, therapists, clergy, and community members — quickly made their way to the safe room at the Nefesh B’Nefesh Center in Jerusalem, where the conference was held. When we returned to our seats, he reflected on what he had just witnessed: people who moments earlier were strangers, now bonded over a shared, all-too-familiar experience.

That’s what survival mode looks like in Israel right now.

The conference, led by Dr. Naomi Marmon-Grumet and the Eden Center, was timely, thoughtful, and powerful. Since October 7th, we’ve all been living a different kind of life — one marked, as another speaker described, by the constant tension between war and death. That tension seeps into our homes, our parenting, and yes — our relationships.

As both a social worker and the mother of a wounded soldier, I felt this conference speak directly to me. Speakers explored how war reshapes relationships across all stages: singles, married couples, divorcees, and those physically or emotionally wounded. Here are a few of my personal reflections:

Who is the Miluimnik?

I came away with a clearer understanding of who the reservist — the miluimnik — really is. When soldiers are together, they’re “all the same,” bonded by shared responsibilities and intensity. But when they return home, the differences emerge. The married soldiers go back to their spouses and children. The single ones return to their parents’ homes — and despite leading others in life-and-death situations, suddenly feel like children again.

“Who Was I Before — and Who Am I Now?”

This is the silent question many soldiers carry. Their bodies may be home, but their hearts, their inner beings, are still somewhere else. They are in-between — caught between two versions of themselves.

Rethinking Relationships

We need to reconsider what dating and partnership mean in this context. A young man living with the uncertainty of his next call-up. A young woman trying to understand, adjust, and support. They may both need to release traditional expectations and flow (לזרום) with a new kind of reality — one that is less predictable, but no less sincere.

We’re Not Healing — We’re Still Inside It

What struck me most is how many of us are still waiting for the trauma to “pass,” without realizing we’re still in it. This isn’t post-trauma. We’re still inside it.

And yet, we keep going. We try to build homes, families, futures.

This conference didn’t offer easy answers. But it offered language. It gave structure to feelings many of us have been carrying without knowing what to do with them. In a time when emotions can feel overwhelming or unspoken, that clarity was a gift.

As I finish writing this blog, it’s 3:00 a.m. I’m sitting in our safe room, listening to reports of rocket fire and watching the destruction of homes across Israel. Our son, wounded in Lebanon, is with us — and I can see the fear and panic in his eyes. It’s a stark reminder that the effects of war don’t simply end. They live with us, in our bodies, in our families, in the choices we make each day. What this conference gave me — and gave all of us — was the understanding that we need to reframe how we look at everything. Only then can we begin to heal, even as the sirens continue to sound.