Religious White Jews seem to have taken a wrong turn

I’m not saying all Dati Ashkenazim have this problem equally

True, in each group you find nice and terrible people. And in each good person, you find bad things, and in each bad one, you find good things. Many identities are on a spectrum rather than one or the other extreme.

Yet, we can still generalize and talk about groups while bearing in mind that we all have better and worse points, and each can be an exception.

My grown kids, for instances, are exemplary people treating their fellows as humans, with respect, tolerance, and friendliness. Some ultra-Orthodox Jews have specialized themselves as role models of empathy and warmth.

Yet, most Dati, Ashkenazi, especially young people, seem to go downhill.

My Discovery

Yesterday, I went shopping for some pastries. A dozen stores before I succeeded. Most kids ‘serving’ the customers didn’t want to talk to me. Were they disturbed I asked for vegan? That I wore crocks? That I smiled? That I’m 70. No! I talked to them. One of these babies I asked about vegan said: How do I know? When I walked away, he added: Watch the holiness of your mouth! No, you need to grab what you want, dump it in front of the cash registry, wait for the amount, pay, grab your stuff, and leave.

Normally, I don’t go into such stores. I have a grocery store close to my home, I go to bookstores, greet bus drivers, and that’s it. Moody people are everywhere, but I never connected the dots. The gloomy ones are most people’s default mode by now. The rest are exceptions, like aliens.

I recall an office full of super religious Jews, one more stone-faced than the next, with a receptionist who was all smiles. I asked her: How do you do it? She said: 1. My mother is a Holocaust survivor who educated me: Never go sleep without naming 5 things of the day you’re grateful for. And 2. When I see a sour face, I tell myself: I’m so lucky I’m not married to him.

I remember this Black Jew in a Jerusalem store who used to smile at me. After a couple of years of stern looks, I asked him if I had to apologize for something. Not at all. By now, this was how he looked at the world.

I love Tel Aviv because there, random people are just friendly. They look for a split second at my ultra-Orthodox garb, realize I’m human too, focus on my eyes, and ask how they can help. When I say this to Tel-Avivians, they can’t believe their ears. That’s because they’re upset every day about ‘the lack of norms’ around them. They don’t realize those are exceptions and that their higher behavioral norms are exactly what makes the place so great. Also, all left-wing demonstrations I went to lately were paradises of smiles and tolerance. Maybe also because I smiled but still.

Blaming

NB: I’m not blaming any of them. Depression and coldness are obviously caused by millennia of persecution and the Holocaust, last but not least. The hyper-focus on details and over-criticalness were obviously survival strategies for which we don’t blame the victims.

But just terrible to meet are Western Orthodox Jews who still sit in their White community bubble, don’t learn with, befriend, or marry Jews of non-White communities, and don’t specialize in learning about empathy.

They don’t see you. If you make them notice you, they either look dead or frown. Smiling is out of the question. That you talk to them is an intrusion, even a greeting or blessing like Good morning. When they need you, they start talking without addressing you: What’s the time? In a supermarket, they may push you away or stand on your toes without saying sorry. They never saw you; a thing was in their way and only you know it was you.

Of course, even worse are those who read a book on how to be polite. They see themselves as educated, sophisticated, and far above the rabble who don’t know their refined rules. “How are you?” “Not so good. My wife just died.” “What, you got married? I didn’t know. First of all: Mazal tov!”

Causes

How can this be? They too all learned that they have to love all Jews. They are taught to be generous and not self-centered, at least theoretically.

A major answer is trauma. They’re wounded people. Unfortunately, they are no real-time victims anymore. They often now are in the position of abusers. They think they are defending themselves while they attack.

Another explanation is that all their relational energy goes to G^d and hopefully their close ones. While many seculars (but not the bullies) often direct their relational energies horizontally, forgetting the vertical option.

Last but not least, too much money. The Sayings of the Father already says: more money means more worries. The wealthiest nation, the US, consumes the most anti-depressants. Its Constitution prescribes as a Right ‘the Pursuit of happiness.’ It’s a receipt for disaster. Real happiness comes from the inside, not from consumerism and status. In their early Zionist years in Israel, Jews had nothing. There was malaria but that’s hardly an asset. But they didn’t have sour faces as I now see on the bus. Displeasure comes from never having enough, from having more than the minimum. (That doesn’t mean that I agree the banks continue to plunder us.)

Solutions

Solutions: Make them meet more-secular and non-White Jews. The White religious Jews of Tel Aviv are much friendlier! The nicer ones: Don’t take it personally. The others have nothing against you; they don’t even see you.

And to religious White Jews still in the bubble: You’re not under attack. You’re not the issue. And smiling at others is at the center of Judaism.

Racism (ethnic distance) is so low in Israel that we see frequent marriages between White and non-White Jews. That makes that sociologists and statisticians can no longer distinguish between the two groups. But, in any case, secular and non-White Jews are at risk, too. They also are becoming increasingly moody, violent, and materialistic. The Chazzan in Mizrachic Shul sings we should go up be-simchah Rabbah le’artzeinu, to our Land in great happiness. One kosher Prayer book left out these words since we are now here already. Big mistake. The prayer leader hums it so in minor, it’s as if he says: be-simchah Ra’ bah le’artzeinu, evil enters our Land happily.

Their Mizrachic parents and grandparents came to the Land with nothing and got racism and capitalism on top of it. They worked hard but stayed relaxed. But their (grand)children often work themselves to death, literally. More money, security, and status, and forgetting to relax, smile, or live.

We all must begin to receive each other with a smile, most urgently, today.