Sabra’s top 10 Israeli superpowers

Late last week, it was announced that Shira Haas of the Netflix series “Unorthodox” will play the Israeli superhero Sabra in the next “Captain America” film, set in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Thanks to a leaked copy of the script, the Times of Israel is proud to reveal Sabra’s top 10 Israeli superpowers:

10. Invisibility helps her to cut in line undetected at kupat cholim (health care clinic).

9. Biological self-regulation allows her to withstand temperatures below 75 degrees Fahrenheit in the winter without a scarf and Uggs.

8. Super-protectsia secures same-day appointments at any government office.

7. Seductiveness persuades a Golan tzimmer owner to offer a room during Sukkot for less than 2,500 shekels (about $745)/night.

6. X-ray vision helps find way out of Dizengoff Center in under 30 seconds.

5. Cybersecurity skills extract her from annoying WhatsApp groups without a trace.

4. Impenetrable forcefield intercepts political text messages and returns to sender.

3. Precognition foresees parking space in Tel Aviv before it becomes available.

2. Diplomacy skills reunite Static and Ben-El while making their new music listenable.

1. Able to form a coalition government that lasts more than 18 months.

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For a standup comedy show about life in Israel, contact Benji Lovitt.?