Stop Comparing Yourself to Someone Else
B”H
We live in a world where comparison has become almost unavoidable. We compare our careers, our finances, our families, our achievements and even our happiness with those around us. Social media has only made this easier, giving us a constant window into other people’s lives, or at least the parts they choose to show us. But there is a fundamental problem with comparison. We are measuring people who are living under completely different circumstances, often without knowing what those circumstances really are.
In this week’s Parsha, Toldos, we meet Yaakov and Eisav, twin brothers born to the same parents, raised in the same home and exposed to much of the same upbringing. Yet despite these similarities, they develop into remarkably different individuals. Yaakov becomes known as a man of the tents, devoted to learning, while Eisav becomes a man of the field. How could two people who began life in such similar circumstances develop so differently? Perhaps they had different experiences as they grew older. Perhaps their emotional or intellectual capacities were different. Perhaps their natural personalities led them in different directions. Most likely, it was a combination of many factors.
And that is precisely the point. No two people are created with exactly the same combination of abilities, challenges, opportunities and circumstances. Hashem created each of us as an individual, with our own strengths, weaknesses and unique purpose. Even two children growing up in the same family do not necessarily experience the same childhood. Their personalities differ, their relationships differ, and even the same event can affect each of them in completely different ways.
Yet we have a tendency to judge people by what we can see. One person seems to have everything organised. They are successful in business, have a happy family and appear to manage life effortlessly. Another person struggles to get through the day, faces financial difficulties or seems unable to achieve the same level of success. We naturally assume that the first person is doing better. But how can we possibly know? We don’t know the internal battles each person is fighting, the resources they started with or the effort required to achieve what they have achieved.
Our sages teach us that Hashem values not only what a person gives, but what that gift represents. A poor person who brings a small bird as an offering may be making a far greater personal sacrifice than a wealthy person who brings an expensive animal. The monetary value of the offering does not necessarily reflect the spiritual value of the act. The same principle applies throughout life. Someone who achieves what appears to be a modest outcome despite enormous challenges may have accomplished far more than someone who achieves extraordinary results with relatively little difficulty.
Of course, this doesn’t mean we shouldn’t learn from others. There is tremendous value in being inspired by someone else’s achievements, and even healthy competition can motivate us to grow. Our sages encourage kinas sofrim, the kind of constructive competition that increases wisdom. But there is an important difference between looking at someone else’s success for inspiration and using it as a measure of our own worth.
Perhaps the most meaningful comparison we can make is not between ourselves and the person standing next to us, but between who we are today and who we were yesterday. Have we grown? Have we become more patient, more generous, more disciplined or more understanding? Are we making better choices and moving closer to fulfilling our own potential?
We cannot know the full circumstances of another person’s life, and we may not even fully understand our own. But we can take responsibility for the choices available to us and work towards becoming better than we were before.
The goal isn’t to become better than someone else. It’s to become better than the person you were yesterday.
