(With apologies to Kubler-Ross)
Kalani text from the archive to Jenna Brilliantine at the kindergarten, mid-week: Hey, Jen, howzit going? Wanna do a couple beers at the Nicer Borowitz on Friday? I’ll need to relax a little! Check out the newest Late Earth Era doc I just got assigned for analysis. (Attached.) Talk about obscure cultural references! Holy motherless beefburger!
[start doc for analysis]
Climate-change deniers in America come to grief… in five stages:
- Spectrum of DENIAL
- Burning fossil fuels does not cause global warming.
- Burning fossil fuels causes global warming, but it’s not significant.
- Burning fossil fuels causes significant global warming, but not when they’re extracted, sold, or burned by: companies in my home state / companies in which I own shares / companies employing members of my family / companies owned by dark-money donors to my senator’s reelection campaigns / companies advised by consulting firms retaining the services of a spouse of a sitting Supreme Court justice.
- Spectrum of ANGER
- Grrr! Climate change is a conspiracy driven by Soros / Fauci / Vaxxers / Maskers / Blacks / Mexicans / Immigrants / Same-sex marriage / Planned Parenthood / the Gazpacho Police / Hillary
- Grrrrrr! Ban all teaching of Critical Renewable Energy Theory in our kindergartens.
- Grrrrrrrrrr! Lock her up! Send all the Liberals to Guantanamo.
- Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Bounties on librarians! Plus, ban all librarians from accessing Project Gutenberg, a dangerous free online source of books written by so-called philosophers from ancient $#!%-hole countries.
- Enough! Time for a 2nd Amendment solution. And everyone should do some new Christmas card selfie photos in the living room with the kids!
3. Spectrum of BARGAINING
No spectrum here! Real men don’t bargain; they give commands. And name their football teams “the Commandos” or “the Commandeers” or “the Conundrums.”
- Spectrum of DEPRESSION
- I fear that coal may really be on the way out and that sly debt-ridden third-world countries already have a lock on the nuclear waste storage industry. And domestically, no way, Jose. I mean, like, look at Los Alamos. The Rio Grande is screwed.
- I understand that I cannot save all the birds killed by offshore wind turbines. Or by onshore ones, either.
- Knowing that around half of those dead birds were Dem birds that voted the straight Democratic party line is insufficient comfort.
- I think my spouse might have injected Kool Aid or bleach and is suffering from space-laser PTSD.
- I suspect that my dachshund voted for Bernie and wonder if it’s ethical for me to have him put down (the dog, I mean) before the 2022 midterms. Clarification for NY Times editors: the dog might be in the crosshairs here; NOT Bernie.
- Spectrum of ACCEPTANCE
- I understand that a 12-step program plus community service might be preferable to actual prison time for January 6th, but you meet all kinds in those groups. The guy sitting right next to you could be Fauci’s grandson, for all you know. But okay, one step at a time. I hear ya.
- I know I have a lot to be grateful for. Like, maybe they can lock us up, but they cannot lock up our motto: Give me liberty or give me meth. (Or fentanyl.) (Or Oxy…)
[end doc for analysis]
Cc: DASBo (Doc analysis scheduling bots)