The beginning of the end, and not the end
Sunday morning, I awoke with the flu that everyone I know seems to have. But I also woke up with a strange sensation. At first, I felt confused because it was a feeling I have not had for so very long, I could not remember what it was called. And then I realized, it was…relief! Reading the news that Romi, Emily and Doron were on their way home…finally, I was able to inhale a deep breath.
These are young women I have prayed for daily, by name, for hundreds of days. These are young women I have said psalms for nightly, before I go to bed, for hundreds of nights. Each night the final psalm I say is Psalm 126. And suddenly, whispers from that chapter were coming true:
שיר המעלות בשוב יהוה את שיבת ציון היינו כחלמים: אז ימלא שחוק פינו ולשוננו רנה אז יאמרו בגוים הגדיל יהוה לעשות עם אלה: הגדיל יהוה לעשות עמנו היינו שמחים: שובה יהוה את שבותנו כאפיקים בנגב: הזרעים בדמעה ברנה יקצרו: הלוך ילך ובכה נשא משך הזרע בא יבוא ברנה נשא אלמתיו:
In plain language, our psalm, written more than 2,000 years ago, describes how, when G-d returns the captives of Zion, we will be like dreamers. Our mouths will open and our laughter will be out of this world. Other nations will say, “Wow, look what their G-d is doing for them…” and the psalm goes on.
For over a year, when I have said this psalm, I have tried to say it with the most concentration I could muster. And sof kol sof kol sof kol sof – at last, at last, at last – here we are.
But it is just the beginning. And it can not be the end.
And, for me personally, it is at this moment when I understand how multifaceted and diverse the human psyche God bestowed upon us is. We possess such robust, limber and flexible spirits. When I was 8 years old I took a juggling class. When I didn’t master that art right away I thought I just didn’t have what it took to become a talented juggler.
But now I understand that is exactly what I am – I could join the circus. But I am not unique; it is what we all are. We humans are capable of juggling the elation of seeing families reunited, and we can feel crushed and broken for the families for whom the end is not as rosy. And then we can wonder what is for dinner. We can do this all at the same time. Welcome to being human.
My emotions are acrobatic. I can contort and adapt. I am filled with vicarious joy, watching the news, while also holding excruciating ever-present pain from the recent hacking out of part of my heart. As many know, my eldest child and only son, Hersh, was stolen on October 7th. And although he valiantly kept himself alive in torturous conditions, without his dominant arm, he was savagely executed in a tunnel in Gaza, at the end of August, along with five other beautiful, young, holy souls: Ori, Alex, Almog, Eden and Carmel.
I am in the process of trying to figure out how not just to live, but eventually how to thrive – while missing a piece of my heart. But I will do it. And our whole nation will do it. There is no other way.
What is critical at this time is that we continue getting each and every one of the remaining 94 hostages home. Yes, the price is heavy, and the task is Herculean. But the price of not doing it is even higher. So we do it. Because we want to recognize who we are when we look at ourselves in the mirror. When G-d took us out of Egypt, G-d promised us a lot. But G-d never said being a holy people would be easy. And what does being “holy” mean? It means “different,” “special,” “remarkable.” Well, here is our chance. Be remarkable. Go!
In the Torah portion Vaera, which we will read this Shabbat, G-d describes the four stages of redemption from Egypt that will be performed. This deliverance will manifest in us becoming a nation in the Land of Israel. Part of experiencing salvation is opening the door and going forward. Memory is important in grounding us, but only looking backwards can also do what it did to Lot’s wife. It can doom us to being frozen forever.
Today, as I tear the tape to put on my chest with the number of days it has been since October 7th, I dream not only of the captives returning to Zion. I dream of using my tape, one day soon, very soon, to seal things.
I dream of using my tape…as tape.
Romi, Emily and Doron, we love you. You stayed strong. You survived.
Welcome home.