The Golem of 30th Avenue, Part 2

This is the conclusion of my short story, The Golem of 30th Ave. Part 1, which can be found here.
This is another story in my series chronicling the Jews of Astoria, Queens. The first story in this collection, The Rabbi Who Was Saved By Jesus, was originally published on JewishFiction.com, should you be interested in another story from this world.

The Golem of 30th Avenue, Part 2

How to Make a Blini Golem

Preheat oven to 350 degrees

Mix in a bowl 80 lbs of all-purpose flour, 5 gallons of whole milk, 10 lbs of granulated sugar, a pinch of kosher salt, 50 large eggs, 3 eggs not quite as large as the 50, 4 cups of vanilla, 18 sticks of butter, and a quarter cup of yeast (unless during Pesach. See Slender Man recipe for Sedar Friendly golems.). Blend until smooth.

Pour the batter into a large man-shaped baking pan. If you don’t have one, go to the third floor of Lord and Taylor’s and ask for Nancy. Tell her the Kabbalists sent you, she’ll know what you mean and give you a good price for it.

Place the Golem pan into the oven for 4 hrs or until done. Do not poke with a toothpick; he really will not like that.

When ready, take him out of the oven.  Once he is cool to the touch, write down exactly what you need him to do on a small piece of paper, put one boysenberry in the center, roll it up as tight as you can, and slide it into his ear. Carve the word “EMET” onto his forehead. Give him a gentle kiss on the cheek, and he will wake up to do your bidding. When his task is done, drench him in applesauce or sour cream until he is too soggy to stand on his own, and then erase “EMET” from his forehead. Feeds 170.*

*Since the coffee was of such high quality, we offer you some additional wisdom: try using Ricotta cheese in your blintz recipe.

“I went back to the shop with the full intent to use this recipe and destroy Boychick’s for good, but I kept thinking about ricotta, and wouldn’t you know, it worked! Coming face to face with what I had almost done, I was tempted to convert to Catholicism just so I could confess, but instead I think I’ll just add it to my al chets between the sin of mixing grain and grappa and the sin of unpleated pants. Why did I write this all down?”

Marvin sat back in a state of shock and nervous excitement. He was in shock because he had just discovered their extremely popular boysenberry offering had been taken from Boychick Blinis. He was nervously excited because he had in his hands the solution to all of his problems. He was also exhausted from going through the scrolls. He decided to go home and start the process in the morning.

The next day, Marvin arrived early, but Skyler was already there, setting everything up for the day.

“Good morning, Skyler. I’ll be in the back working on a new recipe today, please don’t disturb me if at all possible,” Marvin spoke as he passed her. He was going for friendly yet forceful in his request, but wasn’t sure if it came out the way he intended.

“Yes, Sir!” Skyler responded with a salute. Marvin guessed he may have sounded a little too brisk.

Once in the back, and sure he would remain undisturbed, he got to work. Making an 8-foot killer dough man was harder than it sounded on the page. It required a lot of heavy lifting and precision measurements. Baking was a science, but Golem-making was magic, so he wasn’t entirely sure if he should go by weight or measurement when adding the flour. He must have been grunting loudly, because Skyler yelled back to see if everything was ok. He assured her it was and got back to work.

When it came time to sculpt the golem’s body, Marvin wasn’t sure what to do. Lord and Taylor’s had long since closed, and according to Google, Nancy died in the mid-1970s. His art skills were not the best, and he didn’t know what qualities to give him. He looked up images of Harry Houdini and Eddie Cantor. With that body and those eyes, this golem would surely bring terror to all who came across it. It took a few hours and many mistakes, but finally, he was almost done. He just needed to add one final detail. He waited 8 minutes, took out his dough knife, and quickly circumcised the Golem. Not wanting to waste anything, the foredough was used to make donuts.

As the Golem baked, a delicious smell filled Heimish’s. It was unlike any scent that had been there before. There was a subtle sweetness with notes of cinnamon, and an intangible something extra that was impossible to ignore. It was so alluring that Skyler could not resist and finally went into the back to see what Marvin had been working on. As she entered the kitchen, the Golem’s lower half was being slid out of the oven.

“What is that?” Skyler asked, very confused at seeing such a large and well-endowed baked good.

Marvin jumped back, surprised. The confusion quickly melted into shame. It was one thing to enact this cockamamie plan, but to be confronted by another while doing it forced him to come face-to-face with his own desperation. As he looked up at Skyler, he knew he had to tell her. She was the best assistant he ever had. If he was going to go through with everything, she needed to be looped in. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he was hoping she would talk him out of it.

After Marvin explained everything, Skyler only had one question. “You are the one who is going to write the instructions on the scroll?”

“Who else?” Marvin responded.

“Anyone else on the planet!” Skyler laughed back. “Do you remember the job post you wrote for this position? ‘Needed: Person to do stuff in my blintze shop. Must not be afraid of ovens or rolled things.’ Not exactly a detail-oriented description. This golem thing feels very Genie-wish-esque, as in you write the wrong thing or something too vague, and calamity will ensue. Do you know what you are going to write yet?”

“Umm, well, not exactly. I was thinking along the lines of ‘Kill the competition.”

Skyler rolled her eyes; it was a look Marvin had become accustomed to, and although seeing it always irked him, nine times out of ten, whatever she said after was usually correct.

“Kill the competition? You want to actually murder people over this?”

Marvin stumbled in his words, trying to address Skyler’s point. “Well…no, not actually murder. I mean, I just thought he’d smash up a few shops in the area and you know… kill the competition, like the establishment, not the people within. But you are right, I shouldn’t use the word kill, and I need to be much more specific in the type of damage and destruction this thing should do.”

Skyler knew that even with rewrites, Marvin was going to do something inadvertently catastrophic. The Goldfarb family held a next-level intelligence when it came to blintzes. For generations, they had instilled in all the Goldfarb children the skills and perspectives needed to forward the craft. What they did not do particularly well was reinforce the importance of a formal education.

“Why don’t you let me write the scroll,” Skyler offered. “I think I can figure something out that won’t stain the streets with the blood of your neighbors. But the catch is, you cannot see what it is I write.”

The appeal of plausible deniability for the ensuing havoc and the acknowledgment of his own failings when it came to writing were both strong. At the same time, Marvin liked Skyler and worried about the guilt any fallout from the golem may have on her. He reluctantly agreed.

To this, Skyler smiled, a comforting smile. “Just leave the instructions with me. Why don’t you go home? After all that lifting, baking, and sculpting, you look exhausted. I’ll take care of everything here.”

Marvin was drained, physically and emotionally. It was not difficult to take up her offer.

For months, the stresses of the business had eaten away at him. That night, his body finally gave out. He didn’t wake up until noon the next day. Realizing the time, he rushed back to his shop, anticipating the wreckage that the Golem might have left in its wake.

Marvin expected to see plumes of black smoke coming from every creperie. He expected to see police cars up and down 30th Ave. Instead, he came to something even more shocking, a line of customers outside of Heimish’s Blintzes that wrapped around the block. There were no sirens, there was no smoke, there were no broken windows or crepe bater flowing down the streets, only customers. Lots and lots of customers. It was so crowded that Marvin could barely squeeze his way through the front door. When he finally got inside, he was even more shocked. Skyler and the golem stood side by side, putting together stacks of blintzes ready to serve.

Marvin couldn’t understand what was going on. Skylar immediately read that from his face. She enjoyed the role reversal.

“What’s happening?” Marvin asked. “How are there so many customers? Why is the golem in the kitchen? What did he do? I don’t see any destruction.”

Skyler beamed back, “What is it with men, that when they are given the power to find solutions, you immediately go to violence and blowing things up? You held in your hands the recipe for magic, and could only think of war. That’s why I offered to take care of the scroll writing. Who says a golem needs to kill? When you were preparing him, and those amazing smells took over the entire shop, I was compelled to go back to the kitchen. The magic was already in the air. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t stop myself. So, after you left, I wrote down on the scroll, ‘Share your magic with the world and bring the people back to Heimish’s Blintzes.’ When Sammy awoke, he immediately started putting together the most amazing blintz recipes. The store was again filled with that incredible smell, but it was trapped inside. So I opened all the windows and put in those fans to let the scent flow into the streets. Within minutes, people started lining up outside. It hasn’t stopped since. Oh, and I named the golem Sammy. I couldn’t let this big cutie go without a proper name.” Hearing this, Sammy smiled.

“This is incredible, Skyler! Thank you.” Tears openly flowed from Marvin’s eyes. He looked around and once again saw the happy and satisfied smiles of customers, old and new. He saw hope and opportunity. He saw the generational efforts of his family expand further into the future, and for a brief moment, he felt relief. Then he refocused on the growing line of hungry customers, and reality set in. He put on his apron and started doing what he did best: serving blintzes.

Eventually, the crepe fad was replaced by a very short-lived, mung bean craze, followed by amuse-bouche buses, seaweed bars, and so on. Through it all, Heimish’s Blintzes stayed a 30th Ave constant. Marvin never soaked Sammy in sour cream or applesauce; he proved to be too valuable an addition to the family and grew to be a trusted friend. Sammy and Skyler’s relationship flourished as well. The two eventually were married. They now live together in a modest house in Westchester, where they have a doughy little baby girl. Theirs is a happy, loving relationship. Rumor has it that they have only ever had one argument. It was the day Sammy opened an Amazon shipment of blank scrolls addressed to Skyler, but somehow by the next morning, all was forgotten.