Mort Laitner

The Mug Shot (Satire)

Fulton County Jail Mug Shot of Prisoner PO1135809 (Wikimedia Commons) (public domain)

I sat in the secured bunker, housed in the basement of Mar-a-Lago. I was attending a meeting called by the boss. Donald named the meeting, “My mug shot brain-storming session.” Sitting next to me were the ex-president, Rudy Giuliani, and mafia don and mug-shot expert Carlos Gambino.

Donald: Guys thanks for being here. I brought you guys together to help me plan and figure out the best way to handle my arraignment and my Atlanta’s Fulton County Jail mug shot. I’ve heard some pretty scary things about that place.

Rudy: Well Donald, I’m one step ahead of you. I’ve got the procedures for your arrest photo all mapped out. I’m handing out a synopsis of ground rules for having your mug shot taken. I’m gonna read these pointers out loud. It’s pretty good stuff. It comes from ChatGPT.

Rudy reads: Be Cooperate—While being arrested might be stressful, it’s crucial to remain calm and cooperate with law enforcement officers. Resisting arrest or being uncooperative can lead to additional charges and complications.

Carlos: Donald do you capish, do you understand that you can’t act like a baby while they’re booking you? And remember no stupid, racist Black jokes in the Atlanta jail. It could get you hurt.

Donald: I understand. I promise I’ll be good.

Rudy reads: Follow Instructions: Listen carefully to the instructions given by the officers. They will guide you through the process, including how to stand and where to look.

Maintain Composure: Even if you’re feeling upset or frustrated, try to maintain a neutral expression during the mug shot. Avoid any gestures or facial expressions that could be misinterpreted.

Dress Neatly: While you might not have control over your appearance at the time of arrest, if possible, try to appear neat and presentable. This can reflect positively in the mug shot and in subsequent legal proceedings.

Respect Rights: Remember that you have certain rights during the arrest and booking process. You have the right to remain silent and the right to an attorney. Be sure to consult with legal counsel before answering any questions.

Rudy: Donald, I’ll be right there with you. I don’t want you to say a word. If you must talk, whisper in my ear.

Rudy continues reading: Avoid Self-Incrimination: While the mug shot itself might not directly incriminate you, anything you say or do during the process can potentially be used against you later. Be cautious about providing information that could be detrimental to your case.

Carlos: Donald, keep your fat trap shut!

Donald: Thanks Carlos. I understand.  I’m not stupid. My brain is connected to my mouth. I know how to follow instructions, just ask all the lawyers that have represented me. But what I need to know is, what type of face I should make right before that camera clicks? I want my enemies to be frightened when they see that face. I want the mug shot to be the face of vengeance and retribution.

Carlos: Well Donald, remember you gotta mug that only a “muther” could love. So I recommend you go with a villainous pose. You think you’re a tough guy, which is good because when you’re behind bars the other inmates may remember that mug shot and leave you alone. Inmates instinctively know that the mentally deranged do stupid stuff in prison.

Donald: I don’t want my double chin or my wrinkles to show up in that photo. What should I do?

Carlos: We’ll put some skin tighter on your chins and smother you in makeup. That should work. Remember to furrow your eyebrows. Think about Biden putting a spoon of crap in your mouth. Your orange hair should have that Hollywood wind-blown look and your orange makeup should hide most of your wrinkles. Remember movie buffs love that Bogart tough-guy look and so will the voters. You’re another Bogie without the cigarette or his charm.

Donald: Then guys, it’s all settled. I follow your instructions. Now, let’s talk about something really important—marketing and making money. My prison mug shot painted on a coffee mug. I’ll sell millions of them and make millions of dollars. Even the swamp dwellers of D.C. will buy them. Ya know, poor simple, people love supporting a victim; they always need an extra coffee cup. Since I’m the biggest victim of all time, they can relate to me. I think I’ll also put my mug shot on tee shirts. And if I’m not happy with the Fulton County shot, I’ll reshoot it at Mar-a-Lago. My mug shot will be the biggest selling mask this Halloween. Republicans will buy it for their kid’s costumes. I could take a picture of me sitting on the crapper, put it on a tee shirt and Republicans would wear it all over town. I could bottle my farts and Republicans would stand in line to buy my gas.

Carlos: I got to hand it to you Donald, you got a big set of cajones. You know your fans will buy any piece of crap you sell. Most normal people put their reputation in front of making money. Most normal people don’t advertise their crimes. But I forgot you ain’t normal. You are a freak of nature.

Donald: Thanks Carlos. You got me pegged. Meeting adjourned. I’ll see you guys tomorrow morning at 8:15 at the West Palm Beach International Airport. We’re flying on my jet to Atlanta. Carlos, my jet is easy to find. It’s the one with my last name painted on it. And soon it’s gonna have my mug shot and prison number PO1135809 painted on both sides of it.

Rudy looked Carlos in the eyes; they both smiled.

About the Author
Florida's Jewish short-story writer, speaker, film producer and retired attorney. He has authored, "A Hebraic Obsession", "The Hanukkah Bunny" and "The Greatest Gift." He produced an award-winning short film entitled, "The Stairs". Movie can be viewed online. ChatGPT says, Mort is known for his works that often explore themes of love, loss, and the human connection. Laitner has published several books , including “A Hebraic Obsession.” His writing style is characterized by its emotional depth and introspection. Laitner’s works have garnered praise for their heartfelt expression and keen insight into the human experience. Mort is in his third year as president of the South Florida Writers Association. He was a correspondent for the Fort Lauderdale Sun Sentinel Jewish Journal.
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