The Rabbi Speaks—A Satirical Tale about Love and Deception

Rabbi X is notorious in the rabbinical community and throughout Israeli society for having been convicted of rape by deception by a Jerusalem Magistrate’s Court. He used a fake identity to meet women and canoodle (a nice way of saying he went all the way) with these naive women. Why naive, you ask? These women believed men don’t lie on dating apps about their age, weight, height, career, income, and marital status. I wondered, “Shouldn’t this process be called dating by deception? Hadn’t the Israeli lawmakers heard of the Latin principle of caveat emptor—where the buyer alone is responsible for checking out the quality and suitability of the goods before a purchase is made. On the other hand, Rabbi X did conceal and lie about his marital status in the faces of these “unsuspecting” victims which is morally defective and a material misrepresentation probably vitiating the caveat emptor defense.

So I commenced my investigation of the rabbi by reading an article in the Times of Israel and learned that he was an American citizen. This fact alone may explain his lapse in judgment and morality. But wait there’s more–he was married with children. What a shonda!

The rabbi pleaded guilty to 12 counts of defrauding women by going on dating sites and making up a bunch of stuff about himself to have sex with his victims. And he pulled off these escapades “concurrently” in months-long relationships with his unsuspecting victims. As most rabbis are known for their superior intelligence, X waited for the day the women were to testify before cutting a deal and coping a plea. This Rabbi, obviously never heard the proverb, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” He shtupped them and then they shtupped him.

Next, I set up an interview with the rabbi at his rental apartment.

Here is a transcription of my notes.

RT: Rabbi it’s a pleasure to meet you. I want to thank you for sitting down with me for this interview. I’m curious how you thought you could get away with such an audacious scheme.

RX: It’s my pleasure to meet you. Thank you for allowing me to explain my side of the story. I guess I’ll start my story about one year ago when I was sitting in the corner of a small, dark Tel Aviv cafe. As I sipped my latte, a tall dark-skinned man, dressed in a dark blue suit with a white tie approached me and asked, ” Do you mind if I join you?”

“Of course,” I said. “Please do.”

He said, “My name is Ari and I’m employed by the Mossad. My bureau is interested in recruiting a rabbi for a very special and risky assignment. Based on your good looks and quick-mindedness, we have determined you fit the bill. . If you’re interested, we will give you a trial run to see if you’re fit to be a secret agent.”

I replied, “I’m very interested. I always wanted to be James Bond.”

“Good.  Here’s your first assignment. Go online to a dating service, create a false identity and, start having sexual relations with several women simultaneously. If the women do catch you in the lie and your wife doesn’t suspect you of cheating, then we’ll make you a member of Mossad.”

“Ari, I’m all in.”

“Good, as your handler, I will monitor your activity and we’ll meet in this cafe at 9:00 am on the first day of every month to discuss your progress.

Ari stood, shook my hand, and said, “I’ll see you next month. Good luck Mr. Bond.”

“Well for months everything went swimmingly. Then one of my dates did a Google search on me and learned I was a married rabbi with children. She took out her vengeance on me. I was arrested and Ari never showed up for another rendezvous. And here I sit today. My wife is divorcing me, my kids say they hate me and I’ve been fired by my congregation. I hope the Rabbinical Times prints my story so that all the pieces of my life fall back in place. Yes, I made a terrible mistake but I did it for my new country. I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy having a double life but it wasn’t worth it. And if I had to do it all over again I’d tell Ari. “Hell no, I’m a man of G-d. A teacher of Jews. And as a leader of my community. Sorry, I can’t join you.”

RT: Rabbi, do you have any words of apology for the victims of your debauchery?

RX: I felt love for them. I want them to remember that I never promised to sign a ketubah or stomp my right foot on a cloth-wrapped wine glass. I beg for their forgiveness but they must understand I did it for the country that I love, my new home.

As tears ran down the rabbi’s face, I said, “Rabbi, thank you for this informative interview. May you find solace in knowing that I believe your Mossad story but I too am quite naive.