The speech Nikki Haley could have given at the AIPAC conference…

My fellow apologists: it’s really wonderful to be here with friends like you — people who appreciate the license that comes with having overwhelming military power and political carte blanche.

You know, representing the US at the United Nations can be a thankless job at times. Remember when my government slashed almost 90% of our aid to Yemen because its UN ambassador voted against our killing spree in Iraq back in 1991? Oh my, the mail they got! Now, back then I didn’t know a thing about foreign policy — heck, I still didn’t know anything about foreign policy when I accepted this job just over a year ago. But that lesson for Yemen: I got the point of that, all right. When you’re powerful, you can do what you want, whether other countries like it or not. Just look at what our allies are doing to the civilians of Yemen right now! Not to mention Iraq.

That’s why I’m so very outspoken when I come to a place like this. ‘Cause folks like us — like you and me — we know we’ll never have to take what we dish out. Right? And here we can talk openly about how good that feels.

For instance, last year in this same place, I could brag about how I had just booted an old favorite of the Bush administration out of his post as envoy to Libya — just because he was Palestinian. Remember? And this year I can come here and tell you I don’t like bullies or bigots. And y’all don’t even laugh.

Well, it’s true: I do know something about bullies. Heck, I work for one of the most notorious bullies in the world — y’all know that — but that’s nothing new for me. I mean, in 2016, I had already swatted up a quarter of a million dollars from Sheldon Adelson, no less, after signing — as governor of South Carolina — the very first law in the US against boycotts of Israel. And it felt really good to have all that money in exchange for beating up on people who can’t fight back, just because they support human rights.

So I did it again, as soon as I got to be UN ambassador. I bullied the Secretary-General into withdrawing a report about Israel that contained facts the Israeli government didn’t like. And I pressured its author, Richard Falk, into resigning. I even pretended not to know about Falk’s credentials! I mean, who cares if he’s a respected scholar reporting faithfully on Israel’s occupation? He’s not rich and powerful, like Donald Trump or Sheldon Adelson — and he was saying things I didn’t want to hear. You see? Everything can be beautiful when you know how to pick your targets.

And you know what? I used my very first day on this job to say hello to Israel’s Danny Danon, the guy who urged the IDF to “delete” an entire neighborhood in Gaza whenever somebody shoots one of those pathetic fireworks out of the Strip. Because, you see, I knew that he and I see things the same way. If somebody’s weak, squash him. In fact, squash a whole neighborhood while you’re at it! Oh, and I also cozied up to the representative from Ukraine — you know, the Nazi-sympathizing government the US helped install there, after driving out the pests who had won an election. See, I do know how to pick the side folks like you and me belong on. It’s always the side with more firepower.

That’s a lesson I learned as a child. I was a girl from the only Indian family in a small South Carolina town. Sometimes, I’ve got to tell you, my siblings and I got bullied back then — and boy, I didn’t like that. So when I was 24, I converted to Christianity, making sure I’d always be running with the majority. And when the subject of religion came up in my campaign for governor in 2010, I caved in right away, dressing up my website with references to Jesus to appease the fundamentalist bigots who doubted me — one of whom had even called me a “raghead.” I know not to fight back against the powerful, you see. I save my punches for people who can’t defend themselves. That’s another reason y’all and I understand each other so well.

So now, my fellow apologists, I believe we can look forward to a brighter future. My boss, President Trump, has made it clear he wants to intensify our conflict with Iran. And I’m sure you know what Israel can do to Gaza and Lebanon with me in the U.N. to veto any effort to restrain it. I’m not shy about that sort of bullying, either, as I’ve already shown when I vetoed a Security Council resolution objecting to our unilateral redefinition of Jerusalem.

In fact, I did more than that, as I’m sure y’all know. I personally visited Guatemala and Honduras to thank them for following orders in the General Assembly — I mean, when they voted for moving the US embassy. You know those countries? — Guatemala, where the US ousted a democratically-elected president in 1954 to install a dictatorship that tried to wipe out the whole Maya population? God bless Guatemala. Oh, and Honduras, where my government backed the coup that overthrew another popular government in 2009. You can bet the guys in charge of those countries know who runs things. And it was good to go down there and remind them that my government knows who follows orders and who doesn’t.

So you see, my experience with bullies and bullying really has stood me in good stead. It’s taught me how to use power over defenseless people, all the while pretending to stand up for the innocent. And that’s what I love about Israel. Everybody here knows that Israel can only hold on to the Occupied Territories by brute force — the same way I like to see things done. So as long as nothing but force matters to Israel or its supporters — well, you and I are sure to get along just fine.

I love you all.

About the Author
Michael Lesher is an author, lawyer and Orthodox Jew who lives in Passaic, NJ. His most recent book is Sexual Abuse, Shonda and Concealment in Orthodox Jewish Communities (McFarland & Co., 2014).
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