The Trump Curse (Satire)
McDonald’s Corporation Headquarters
110 North Carpenter Street, Chicago, Illinois
Penthouse—Board of Directors Conference Room
Confidential Transcript of October 10, 2024 Board Meeting (For Board Members Eyes Only—After Reading Please Destroy this Memo)
In re: Board Decision To Allow Former President Donald J. Trump to Pretend to be a McDonald’s Employee and Allow Him to Wear our Golden Arches Apron, Prep and Sell some food and Talk to drive-in Customers for approximately half an hour.
CEO: Good morning, I’m calling this meeting to order. The only issue on today’s agenda is whether or not we should approve Donald Trump’s request to use one of our restaurants as a campaign event.
CFO: My team has done a risk-benefit analysis and an action steps plan for your consideration. Here are the highlights of our report:
1. Knowing where Trump’s hands have been in the past, it is imperative that one of our employees observe him washing his hands with soap and hot water for at least five minutes before he enters the food prep area;
2. Knowing Trump’s history, we must have limited funds in the cash register during his visit;
3. Refusing former President Trump’s request would piss him off and we don’t want that.
4. Trump is one of our best customers. He loves our burgers and fries. When a national champion football team visited the White House, he served them McDonald’s;
5. Trump has said that he wants to observe the transformative working experience that 1 in 8 Americans have had: a job at McDonald’s and that he has wanted to do this for all of his life. (Note all the attendees at this meeting broke into laughter.)
6. The event will give us a day of free national publicity;
CEO: Now that I’ve heard the benefits, what are the risks?
CFO: Well there’s only one risk and it’s called, “The Donald Trump Curse.”
CEO: I’ve never heard of it. Is that like the Kennedy curse?
CFO: No in the Kennedy Curse people died in horrible circumstances and in the Trump Curse everything he touches turns to shit.
CEO: Can you give me some examples?
CFO: He owned a casino and his casino went bankrupt. He ran charities and they were closed for fraud by the government. When he was president COVID killed a million Americans. He ran the only insurrection in American history and it failed. He inherited $400,000,000 from his dad and he lost it all.
CEO: It does sound like he’s cursed but I’m a gambler. I vote we hire him for one half-hour shift. What’s the worst possible scenario?
CFO: Well I’m glad you asked. If he contaminates our business with the Trump curse, we could have an e-coli outbreak in our hamburgers. Customers could die. Customers could end up hospitalized. Customers could puke their guts out at home, People could stop eating at McDonalds, Our stock price could fall, People could sell their McDonalds stock and stop buying franchises, and we could end up bankrupt.
CEO: Well, I don’t believe in curses and I don’t believe that curses can be transferred from a man to a corporation. So let’s let the former president find his dream and his campaign opportunity. I bet nothing bad is going to happen to our great corporation. Meeting adjourned.
