The Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup–Commence Loathing
Well, sports fans, we are back again. There have been enough recent developments on the road to the 2026 FIFA World Cup to merit this premature digression into that place of despair and near-universal disdain known as World Cup Qualifying.
It goes without saying that Israel and the Jewish people have passed through a difficult two years. To make matters more bleak, the cosmic forces which direct the course of international football have provided little in the way of any solace for the Zionist sports fan.
First off, Israel has failed, once more, to qualify for the World Cup–even if they defeat Moldova in their final qualifying match next month. Israel last qualified in 1970, when it was still permitted to compete in Asia. For decades, though, Israel has attempted to qualify via Europe, and all of these attempts have been thwarted. The failure to qualify this cycle was particularly painful, as the current Israeli squad was actually quite accomplished. The team’s core consisted of veterans of the sides which took third place in the 2023 U20 World Cup (which included a stunning 3-2 triumph over heavily-favored Brazil in the quarters) and competed in the 2024 Olympics. In September, Blue-and-White’s fortunes came to an effective end when they lost a 5-4 thriller to Italy. Subsequent losses in the October window to Norway and to the aforementioned Azzurri doomed Israel’s quest to deliver a footballing middle finger to the world.
Second, twenty-eight of the eventual forty-eight team field has been qualified. And the pickings are very slim for the Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup (ZGWC). Historically, the number of World Cup qualifying teams which are “good for the Jews” has been essentially a rounding error. After two years of the supposedly sophisticated world’s celebration of Hamas pogroms, there are even fewer countries which the ZGWC can stomach.
Let’s take the qualifiers from Asia, for instance: (in alphabetical order) Australia, Iran, Japan, Jordan, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, South Korea, and Uzbekistan.* In the past, the Socceroos of Australia have been a perennial ZGWC favorite. For this edition, they are a distant fourth behind Uzbekistan. And if Saudi Arabia joins the Abraham Accords before next summer’s kickoff in Mexico City’s Estadio Azteca, then Australia will plunge even deeper in our regard.
As for Africa, the options are (in order of revulsion, most to least) Algeria, South Africa, Egypt, Tunisia, Morocco, Cabo Verde, Senegal, Cote d’Ivoire, and Ghana. The ZGWC can perhaps muster two cheers for Cote d’Ivoire and Ghana, but that is about it. Even obscure Cabo Verde reportedly attempted to block cargo ships heading to Israel during the war.
South America does provide a glimmer of hope for the ZGWC. Of the six current qualifiers–Argentina, Brazil, Colombia, Ecuador, Paraguay, and Uruguay–three merit a thumbs up. Argentina has philo-Semite Javier Milei; Ecuador has President Daniel Noboa (who visited Israel in May); and Paraguay has its embassy in Jerusalem. Based on its recent statements about the war in Gaza, Uruguay will likely do no better than a pareve rating.
Oceania qualifier New Zealand sat out the recent rush by other Commonwealth nations to award Hamas with the recognition of a Palestinian state. However, that is about the best that can be said about the Kiwis.
Only one country has currently qualified from Europe: England. Yes, the English–newly liberated from the need to constrain their inbred anti-Semitism. With the addition of millions of immigrants from Muslim countries and spoon-fed anti-Zionism by the BBC and the Guardian, the Three Lions look to be one of the least favored teams by the ZGWC.
The 2026 World Cup will be jointly hosted by Canada, Mexico, and the United States. As hosts, all three automatically qualify. The ZGWC has traditionally looked with favor on the Canadians. No more. As for Mexico, even Claudia Sheinbaum will not redeem the El Tri from their country’s recent voting record in the United Nations. That leaves the U.S. of A.–the indispensable nation in so, so many ways.
The brief glimmer of hope that is the U.S. Men’s National Team fades quickly as we consider that the field of qualifiers will become ever more loathsome as UEFA qualifying concludes next month. A present, the following countries lead their respective groups and have an inside track towards qualification: Germany, Switzerland, Denmark, France, Spain, Portugal, Netherlands, Austria, Norway, Belgium, and Croatia. Germany and Croatia would be the picks of the litter, and ain’t that a kick in the head.
Now that the ZGWC has thoroughly depressed anyone who has managed to read this far, just remember–it will only get worse.
(*The ZGWC hereby reserves the right to trash all of the countries mentioned herein in greater depth and to detail all of their various anti-Israel excesses at a later date, closer to the competition.)
