Jonah Rank
Rosh Yeshivah, Hebrew Seminary

Transcript: Trump’s High Holiday Call (9.27.19)

WARNING: Satire follows. If you require this warning, I advise reading no further.

Several American rabbinic representatives were invited to a phone call with President Trump taking place on September 27, 2019 at noon EST. The following is a ‘transcript’ of the President’s Speech during “President Donald J. Trump’s and Senior White House Officials’ National Conference Call to Celebrate the upcoming High Holy Day.”

PRESIDENT TRUMP: I want to say to all of my Jewish friends on the call today, shalom and thank you very much for voting for me. I don’t want this message to be political, so, if there are any Democrats on the line, I’d like to ask you kindly not to impeach me. The whole thing is a complete witch hunt. And, for all of the Jewish rabbis on the call today, I want to thank you for creating the high holidays, when Jews traditionally ask each other to forgive their president’s sins. I didn’t do anything wrong, and I don’t know why everybody is accusing me of… <silence> hold on.

I’m sorry, I was just informed that the poll numbers are looking really good, and all the experts say I’m gonna beat Joe Biden in the next election. Or Pocahontas. It doesn’t matter though, because neither of them are Jewish, and they’re both antisemitic anyway. You know that they both hate Israel, and there has never been a president who has been more supportive of Israel and American Jews’ responsibilities towards Israel. I’m so excited that my friend Bibi Netanyahu is the new prime minister of Israel. I know he’s gonna do a great job because nobody else can be the prime minister of Israel. All the investigations about him are a complete witch hunt.
You know, my good friend, Leonard Cohen, he should live and be well, once wrote a song called “Who Got Fired?” and I heard that it was a song about how we could lose everything–our family, our lives, or worst of all, our money–during the High Holidays. I also heard nobody likes Yom Kippur. We should get rid of it, and I’d like you to work on it. I’d love to hear if there’s any dirt about Yom Kippur and how it became such a big deal. I heard some rumors. There’s a lot of talk about Yom Kippur, that the rabbis started Yom Kippur, and a lot of people want to find out why Jews stop eating food for so long, so whatever you can do with whoever makes Jewish rules would be great. Some rabbis used to brag about their congregants fasting, but if you can look into it… It sounds horrible to me. You know, I support the Jews all the time, and the USA has always been very kind to our Jewish friends and also Americans. I’m sorry I held back my support to certain Jewish organizations recently, but I’ve always been very supportive. When there was a shooting in Pittsburgh, I flew out there. It was a beautiful photo op, and I always stand with the Jewish people whenever I get a phone call telling me to do something, whether I want to or not. Unless it’s from Nancy Pelosi. My friend Leonard, may he live long and prosper, would have said she should be fired on the High Holidays. I hope the Congress impeaches her. Lock her up! Lock her up! Lock her up! Lock her up! Why is nobody chanting along with–<pause> I was just informed that this is a one-way call; you can all hear me, but I can’t hear any of you chanting along with me.
It’s amazing what technology can do these days. We can even go to outer space right now because of rich people. Jeff Bezos is a rich person. But he’s not Jewish. I said to him, “That’s okay.” I want to thank everyone on this call for your smart business dealings. The Jewish people have boosted the American economy in a way unlike any other discriminated minority. Why are there so many minorities anyway?
I am very sorry to say that we are running short on time. I have a canceled meeting with the Taliban. I don’t negotiate with terrorists. Just ask my friend Vladamir Putin if I ever would, and he’ll tell you the same thing my friends in Saudi Arabia would say, which is <pause> I was just informed that Saudi Arabia has not been as kind to the Jewish people as Americans have. Well, nobody’s perfect. They’re still very fine people.
Speaking of perfect people, my approval rating is actually the highest any US president has ever had at any time in history. They say that Bernie Sanders doesn’t stand a chance anymore. I’ll think of a nickname for him, and everybody’s gonna love it–even your people. You should all be very proud of me for making sure that the three anti-American Muslim women who have infiltrated the American Congress are no longer allowed to visit <pause> You know, we live in such a politically correct world where you can’t say anything anymore because there always has to be somebody checking your facts. Thank God for Twitter, or none of us would be able to speak our minds wherever we want and whenever we want. That’s what the High Holidays are about.
All of my special rabbi friends must know what it’s like to try to speak to people all the time, and it’s impossible because the fake media is always accusing you of obstruction of justice, or collusion–there was no collusion, or an emonuments [sic] clause. Where is my emonument [sic]? Next year I hope we can hold the G7 meeting at the Trump National Doral. I know the Jews believe in a thing called tikkun olam, which means “repairing the world trade center.” The G7 is a great time for world leaders to come together and not to get too political but just to relax and to play golf. How can our children grow up in such a politically volatile environment? People keep leaving the White House because they can’t stand the way the Democrats treat me. Witch hunt! And you should have seen this kid Gretel [sic] Thunberg at the United Nations the other day. Why wasn’t she at school? When I was her age, I don’t know if I even knew what the United Nations was. I was lucky if I could find my school. It’s terrible that there are world leaders trying to convince each other of things that my scientist friends–and I am friends with the best and smartest scientists–they don’t believe in this global warming nonsense. If Earth is getting hotter, then why did Alabama have a snow hurricane last month? Alabama City will never be the same a… <mumbles heard in background>
I’m being told that I have to get off the phone because I have a meeting coming up. Kim Jong-il [sic] is a wonderful guy. He knows how to get things done. Leonard Cohen would have never fired him. I want to wish all of my special Jewish friends a sweet new year of 2020, and remember to register yourselves and your congregants to vote for me in the next elections. Shanah l’chaim! The future of our country depends on whatever vote count we can come up with.
About the Author
Jonah Rank serves as President and Rosh Yeshivah of Chicagoland's pluralistic Hebrew Seminary: A Rabbinical School for Deaf & Hearing. An award-winning Jewish songwriter, he earned an MA in Jewish Thought and was ordained in 2015 at the Jewish Theological Seminary. Rabbi Rank served as the Maskil (“Teacher-of-Tradition”) at the Shaar Shalom Synagogue in Halifax, Nova Scotia, where his spouse, Rabbi Dr. Raysh Weiss, served as Senior Rabbi. Following his family’s return to the United States, he became the Director of the Shul School at Kehilat HaNahar in New Hope, Pennsylvania. Rabbi Rank previously was appointed to the Environmental Advisory Council in the Township of Lower Makefield, PA, and now lives with his family in Natick, MA.
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