Trump Asks Cult Members to Collect Gideon Bibles and Ship them to Mar-a-Lago (Satire)

In the hot Florida sun, Donald Trump stood, squinting his eyes in front of a small crowd of supporters and a slew of  TV cameras. He leaned against a gold podium, vigorously waving a bible, as if he had just found his old VHS Stormy Daniels tape. Then he made an odd request. “I want all my minions to collect Gideon Bibles from hotels and motels across America and ship them to me.”

Trump smiled and continued, “When my fine MAGA folks are shacking up and doing the “Donald Trump” with their sweeties in some cheap roadside dump and they finish doing the nasty, I want them to grab one of these nightstand holy books, take it home with them and then send them to my residence at Mar-a-Lago Country Club and Federal Document Storage Depository at 1700 South Ocean Drive, Palm Beach, Florida 33480.”

Trump repeated the address for the slower members of his audience.

Then the former Prez assured his cult members, “It’s not a crime to take a Gideon Bible from a desk or bureau drawer in a motel room to your home. I personally spoke to Mr. Gideon and he said and I quote him, ‘Stealing one of my books ain’t no sin. It ain’t no sacrilege. It ain’t heresy. It ain’t even breaking one of those commandments.”

Trump paused and wondered “Was it commandment number 7 or 8?”

“I’m sorry folks, for some reason I always confuse the order of those I shall nots—especially the ones on adultery and theft. I get them all mixed up in my head. But based upon the number of nights I’ve spent in sleazy motel rooms, you’d think I’d have memorized the Bible by osmosis.”

Trump stared into the crowd and added, “Just the other day, Mr. Gideon phoned me and told me why he gives the Good Books to hotels. You see, he, like me, wants to spread the faith. He wants people to take these so-called religious text books home with them but he doesn’t want them to be sold because selling stolen Bibles may be a sin.”

Trump added, “Just like I did for all those January 6th insurrectionists, I promise to hire a lawyer and pay the bond for anyone prosecuted for stealing the Holy Book. And after I’m re-elected, I’ll grant a full pardon to anyone convicted of Gideon Bible theft.”

Trump craned his head, diverted his attention to one of the reporters in the crowd and uttered, “Everybody knows that for years the Jews have been stealing Bibles from hotels, along with towels and those small bars of white soap and those tiny plastic bottles of shampoo. And I don’t know why, but it seems to me that nobody is ever prosecuting those guys. Why do they always get a pass?”

Trump followed by divulging his business plan, “When the Gideons arrive at Mar-a-Lago, I shall personally refurbish each and every one of those holy texts. I’ll tear off the old covers and recover them with brand new red, white and blue leather jackets.

I’ll emboss my name, Donald J. Trump, in all gold caps, bold, New Times Roman font under the title of this fine holy book. This guide book that I use daily to lead my life by. For I want my followers to understand that I wrote this book for them with my own red blood, smelly sweat and crocodile tears. The Bible has always been my favorite book. And you may wonder, ‘Why Donald, do you love this book so much?’ Well, to tell you the truth, it’s because it took me so damn much time to write it. I had to give up golf for a few weeks to knock it out.”

Trump closed by placing his left hand on the Bible and raising his right, “G-d bless all Americans who send me motel bibles. I promise to make good use of them.”

With a devilish grin and tepid applause, Trump left the podium calculating about how much money he’d make on his latest scam.