Trump’s Gettysburg Address

The Greatest Gettysburg Address. Even better than Lincoln’s!

That’s what many people, many many people, tell me. Many people.

August 27, 2020, Gettysburg, Pennsylvania

(Written on the back of a McDonald’s napkin in Sharpie)

Reported before it happens by David Eden

Four years and seven days ago, our father Vladimir Putin brought forth on this continent a new nation conceived in tyranny and dedicated to the proposition that all men are vassal subjects to your favorite President, Donald J. Trump.

Now I am engaged in a great civil war against the radical liberal communist Democrats, and Black Lives Matter, testing whether this nation, or any nation dealing with all of the crap that I, in my great and unmatched wisdom, have to deal with, can long endure, including the suburbs.

We are met on a great battlefield of our never-ending Civil War where I am accepting the Republican renomination, with President Putin’s blessing, to be reelected to four more years, and then maybe another four or twenty blackbirds, as the Commandante-for-Life of what was once proudly known as the United States of America.

We, that means me, have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting-place for those — and there were good people on both sides — who gave their lives that I might live and rule all of you today. It is altogether fitting and proper that I, and by “I” I mean you, or it could be Mexico, should pay for their funeral at this sacred national park.

Now I know that Lincoln, who never aced the SAT like Shapiro did or matriculated at a fancy Ivy League college like me, wrote a bunch of fancy words in his Gettysburg Address. Stuff like “we can not dedicate — we can not consecrate — we can not hallow — this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract.”

To that I add, “Yada Yada Yada.”

Some Trump doubters in the world will little note, nor long remember, what we say here. By we, I mean me. Some people say the world will forget we and me. To those Never Trumpers I say, “My tweets will become the new gospel of the faithless.” The world will never forget what you did here today by nominating me to continue grifting this once-great nation by pillaging its treasure, plundering its resources, and destroying our sacred bonds everywhere.

It is rather for us — and by us, I mean me, Donald J. Trump — to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us — which is to continue Making American Great Again. And Again. And Again.  From these honored dead — and remember there were good dead people on both sides — we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion — that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain — that this nation, under God, and some have said that we, Donald J. Trump, is the Second Coming, and others, many others, have hailed me as the King of the Jews, shall have a new birth of freedom — and that a Potemkin government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall perish from the earth.

David Eden, the author of “My Pashtun Rabbi: A Jew’s Search for Truth, Meaning, and Hope in the Muslim World,” was the journalism expert at United Arab Emirates University in 2008-09.