Walking Together, Living Apart: Parents and Their Adult Children
Abraham’s and Isaac’s lives invite us to consider how parents and children can experience the same event differently and what may happen when people don’t make room for another’s experience.
The Akedah, or the binding of Isaac, is Abraham’s test, but father and son are twice described as walking together (yachdav). First, after Abraham gives Isaac the wood for the burnt offering, they walk together up the mountain. Rashi interprets their walking together to mean that even if they have a different understanding of what they are about to do, they both went with the same level of joy and willingness.
Soon thereafter, Isaac speaks up, saying, “Where’s the lamb for the offering?” Abraham answers that God will provide the lamb, and the two of them continue to walk together. Rashi explains that in this instance “together” means “with an equal heart,” yet this can indicate equal commitment rather than the same experience. The midrash reflects this differentiation by stating, “the two of them went together: this one to bind and the other one to be bound; this one to slaughter and the other one to be slaughtered.” Though we are never told how Isaac interprets the Akedah, it is not hard to realize that the experience of almost being slaughtered is different from the experience of a father holding his knife over his son.
After the Akedah, the Torah says that Abraham returned to his servants, and they departed together for Beer Sheva. Isaac is not mentioned. One might naturally assume that the text emphasizes Abraham since he is still the main character, and Isaac continues to play a supporting role. Because we are still in “Abraham’s story,” we similarly do not hear about Isaac in Abraham’s negotiation for a burial plot for his wife or in his arranging a marriage for his son. Even Rebecca’s first meeting with Isaac would still be part of Abraham’s story, because it provides closure for Abraham’s effort to secure his family’s future.
The story, however, may hint to something more than Abraham’s experience. When Abraham’s servant brings Rebecca to meet her future husband, Isaac is coming from Beer-Lahai-Roi, the place associated with Hagar’s flight from Sarah. Rashi suggests that Isaac went there to bring Hagar back to Abraham. Yet, Rashi’s interpretation does not explain why Isaac eventually settles there. Could it be that Beer-Lahai-Roi holds a certain meaning for Isaac, just as it does for Hagar?
Isaac brings Rebecca into the tent of his mother Sarah, taking her as his wife. Because it seems odd that Isaac kept his mother’s tent, the rabbinic tradition infers that Rebecca’s behavior reminds him of his mother. One might go further and say that she and her behavior might have also reminded him of life when his mother was alive – before the Akedah. For the sake of Abraham’s story, knowing that Isaac loved Rebecca and found comfort through her after his mother’s death would be unnecessary. Its inclusion reminds us that Isaac’s marriage means something different to him than for his father. For Abraham, Isaac’s marriage means that his family will be blessed. For Isaac, marriage gives him love and consolation.
Though the text does not address it directly, Isaac’s absence from the account of his mother’s burial, his limited role in the search for a wife, and his choice of where to live may leave us wondering about his relationship with his father after the Akedah. The narrative’s focus on Abraham does not mean that Abraham himself overlooked Isaac’s experience, but it invites us to consider how easily one person’s story can crowd out another’s if we are not careful.
Read this way, their story invites us to consider the larger question of how parents and children can navigate their relationship, especially as children enter adulthood. In a 2015 study comparing separate groups of estranged parents and adult children, the authors found that adult children more commonly attributed the estrangement to what they saw as their parents’ toxic behavior or feeling unsupported and unaccepted. Rin Reczek, author of Families We Lose: A New Explanation for Family Estrangement, argues that family estrangement oftentimes results from a clash between competing expectations, where one family member insists on loyalty, duty and forgiveness, while the other insists on a relationship based on respect, emotional safety and personal growth.
Living separately and developing an independent identity are features of a healthy relationship between parents and adult children. Also, relatives can become estranged from one another for many different reasons. Yet, Isaac’s absence and distance from Abraham after the Akedah can remind us how important it is for parents to recognize and make room for their adult children’s separate perspectives. When an adult child has a different memory or makes a different choice, it need not be seen as – or lead to – a rejection of their parents. It can be an invitation for parents to learn about the person their child has become.
