What is a ‘Santos-Jew™’?

What is a “Santos-Jew™”?

The story of George Santos, now ex-Congressman and soon-to-be prison inmate, has more layers than a Kosher 18 layer cheesecake. 

One of my employees, Grant Lally, first labeled him “weird” in The North Shore Leader, a local Nassau County New York newspaper, long before the rest of the country caught on. 

You can look up the rest; his legal troubles, the mountain of lies, the upcoming prison stint…but the part that is truly fascinating is Santos claiming he was Jewish.  Then, months later, when his resume unraveled like an unkosher suit requiring The Shatnez Man to investigate, he clarified: “Oh, no, I meant Jew-ish,” as in he’d grown up around Jews. Sort of.

If you haven’t followed the saga, Google George Santos, it’s worth the five minutes of your time.

Let’s be clear: George Santos said he was Jewish. No ambiguity, no hesitation. Only when the lies became too big to juggle did he clarify, with a wink and a nod, that he was only Jew-ish, because he had a few Jewish friends.  But this was a very special lie, a lie you rarely see, a lie that, in some universe’s perception, is beautiful, and I spend my career searching for TRUTH!

Why did he do it? Let’s speculate. He was running for Congress on Long Island, a place where Jewish identity carries weight. In a predominantly Jewish district, being a little “Jew-ish” might just make you more electable. If his district had been mostly Inuit, we might be talking about George Santos being “Inuit-ish,” though Inuit haven’t endured centuries of persecution like the Jews. George was angling for an identity that came with power, but did Santos know what he was getting into?

It doesn’t mean Santos hates Jews. Quite the opposite…he wanted to be one. And for a while, it worked. Until it didn’t. Like a guy juggling two relationships, Santos now risks losing both.

BUT, as Howell said in the movie Soul Man, “I don’t really know what it feels like, sir, if I didn’t like it, I could always get out. It’s not the same, sir.”

If not for Grant Lally’s persistence, the question of his Jewishness might never have come up. Does anyone really care to see your circumcision certificate to prove you’re Jewish? And even if they did, would that hold up in court? I’d love to see that case—”The People v. Santos’ Bris.” If there’s ever been a trial where someone had to prove their Jewishness by showing their circumcision, we missed it.

Throughout history, Jews have faced hard choices about declaring their identity. During the Spanish Inquisition, Crypto-Jews converted to Catholicism to save their lives while secretly practicing Judaism. They made impossible decisions to survive. Was it right? (I’ll let the rabbis debate this one; they’ll each have three opinions on the matter.)

But George Santos? He didn’t hide his Jewishness to survive. He took it on voluntarily, knowing full well the abuse, the antisemitism, the online hate, and the centuries of persecution Jews endure. And he embraced it for political gain, though maybe a hint of Jew-ish Pride? Is George Santos, in a sense, a hero?

Of course, some Jews give us a bad name. But here we have a Not-Jew Jew giving us a bad name! Where will it end? We’re human, no better or worse than anyone else. But consider this: out of just 14 million Jews worldwide (8 BILLION humans), we still make headlines daily. How about some positive press for once? Maybe about how many lives were saved by Jewish-led breakthroughs like the polio vaccine or the Nobel Prize winners behind the tech you’re using to read this? (Harrison Ford’s a quarter Jewish, by the way—not too shabby. As for Rod Carew, the jury’s still out.)

So what do we make of George Santos? A man who woke up every morning, put on his Hermès cologne, slipped into his Ferragamo shoes, and, just for good measure, threw on some Jewishness. Mazal Tov, George. Mazal Tov.

Now, what’s the opposite of a Crypto-Jew? A Crypto-Jew hides their Judaism to survive, while Santos flaunts being a (fake) Jew to thrive. There isn’t a word for that, so I’m coining one: 

“Santos-Jew™”

That’s right, you heard it here first, from Bradley Goldberg, Forensic CPA. A “Santos-Jew™” is someone willing to endure all the baggage that comes with being Jewish, not for love or belief, but to climb the ladder of power. We may never see another like him.

George, if you’re reading this, I forgive you. After all, forgiveness is at the heart of being Jewish. Claiming to be “Jew-ish” wasn’t your biggest crime, and I hope many more people will embrace being “Jew-ish” or even a “Santos-Jew™”.

In the end, you’re headed to prison. You didn’t kill anyone, you didn’t physically harm anyone. Yes, you siphoned off campaign funds for liposuction and makeup, but let’s be honest…anyone who donates to a local congressional race isn’t hurting for cash. They were probably angling for favors themselves. And frankly, if Hunter Biden gets off lighter than you, we’ll all be wondering how this world works.

George Santos, I hereby declare you the first “Santos-Jew™”, Welcome to the tribe, my fellow Yid!

(George, when you get out, give me a call. Grant and I will take you out for a nice kosher dinner—Matzah ball soup and some overpriced Kosher filet mignon. Grant will say the Jewish blessings. You’re paying, of course.)

Respectfully,
Bradley Goldberg, Forensic CPA
407-912-9478
http://www.TheForensicCPA.org
bgoldberg@TheForensicCPA.org