And now for something completely different . . .
What Our Chinese Car Knew
The failures of the IDF in the period preceding the October 7, 2023 assault were catastrophic. The military was not only outsmarted and outmaneuvered in advance of the conflict by an enemy it underestimated, but it failed to react effectively even after the attacks had commenced and then failed to acquit itself well throughout the initial phases of the war.
That is bad. From the perspective of the military, what is even worse is how embarrassed they were. When one lives on a pedestal upon which Israeli society had lovingly placed the IDF and its intelligence units, finding yourself on the ground is a major demotion. It goes without saying that the sub-basement (-4) is almost unbearable.
The sub-basement (-4) is where the military officers and strategists found themselves–bloodied, bewildered, and humiliated, left to ignominiously contemplate the battered konceptzia that had sustained their previous weltanschauung and was now in tatters.
Their recovery was miraculous. When the IDF finally figured out what was going on, having been saved from total disaster by its extraordinary fighters and the society at large that stepped up to fill the breach, it mustered a terrific effort and achieved amazing results. They may not be swaggering quite as much, but at least they are no longer seeking out places to hide from public opprobrium.
They can again blame the politicians, as is the Israeli way.
More importantly, they have learned from their mistakes. Social media policies have been revamped so the enemy can no longer use purloined intelligence to disable tanks or plan maneuvers. Procedures with respect to early warnings have been updated so critical data is not misplaced, disregarded, or discounted. Electronic detection equipment has been upgraded. Ownership of certain Chinese cars has been prohibited to military personnel because the cars collect all sorts of possibly valuable strategic information.
This last one had actually proven to be a bit of good luck for our family. We are acquainted with a fairly senior IDF officer who was required to divest himself of his car because it was espionage-susceptible. Earlier this year, all Chinese cars were banned from military bases because of concerns about their cameras and connected systems. Now certain leases for Chinese-made electric vehicles used by officers are being phased out, especially the euphonious Chery Tiggo 8 Pro plug-in hybrids that were allocated to lieutenant colonels and colonels blessed with large families, like our friend.
Unfortunately for him, but fortunately for us, he had selected the purchase option for his car and now had to dispose of it urgently. We were in the market for a car, and he offered us an amazing price, which we gratefully accepted. There was one condition. We could not officially record the sale or transfer, since the IDF, at the time, wanted to keep its intentions classified while it negotiated a new deal with Mitsubishi. We worked out an insurance arrangement and did the deal.
It became my wife’s car, but the Chinese still believed it was being used by the Israeli military.
Last month, he gave us back our money and demanded that we return the car. We asked why and he, of course, declined to tell us because of confidentiality requirements. Finally, after we had asked three times, which is apparently the limit expected of military personnel when leaking classified information, he provided us with the following highly redacted documents, on condition that we not disclose them to anyone.
So we are relying on your discretion and trusting you to keep this secret:
PROJECT IDF. TOP SECRET. VEHICLE SURVEILLANCE OF COLONEL X. PROPERTY OF MINISTRY OF STATE SECURITY. MSS SECRET CODE: BLUE AND WHITE.
Day 1: Observation of Colonel X’s Chery continues to yield valuable information. His reflexes seem to have slowed, now approximating those of a 77-year old woman who is easily distracted. Moreover, the aggressive driving habits formerly displayed appear to have vanished entirely. When approaching a roundabout, Colonel X now comes to a full stop, looks left, right, left, right, checks the rear mirror and camera and appears to wave to any car approaching. This information should be presented to our analysts, as the Colonel’s decision-making ability might be impaired.
Day 2. Colonel X appears to have forgotten the code that permits the car to start, even though it is written on the key. After seven tries, he called someone and then engaged in a verbal altercation, at the conclusion of which he told someone to cook his own dinner. When shifting from Park to Drive, the Colonel then detached the shifting mechanism from the car entirely. Our medical experts should consider whether the Colonel has contracted early-onset Parkinson’s (or Alzheimer’s) and whether he is engaged in a vulnerable relationship with someone for whom he prepares dinner. Blackmail potential?
Day 3. Colonel X appears to have lost the ability to parallel park.
Day 4. When Colonel X travels on highways, he now selects one lane (the one calculated to lead him to the one from which he will eventually exit) and refuses to change. Our sensors are detecting horns blowing every time the car enters a highway. The Colonel’s voice, responding to the horns, seems to be in a higher register than previously noted, possibly a side effect of drug use. He also no longer curses, instead talking patiently to the horn-blowing cohort gently and reasonably. “I see you. I hear you. But I am going 50 kilometers an hour and I don’t plan to go any faster.” This information could prove invaluable to our terrorist friends trying to predict response times to attacks.
Day 5. The Colonel may have prostate issues. He now stops at every gas station with a bathroom.
Day 6. The Colonel stops at red lights. Actually, the Colonel stops 10 meters before the red light. We can not guess his strategy. He may have learned of our red-light assassination techniques. We need to change those. Also, when anticipating a right or left turn, he activates the turn signal well in advance of the corner on which he will actually turn, no matter how many intersections precede it. We believe this is a clever Mossad tactic to confound any following agents. Recent development: sometimes the Colonel only slows at red lights, then proceeds through as though the light were green. This defeats all attempts to follow. We need to assign more agents.
Day 7. We must place an agent in the Super Tov located in Moriah Center in Modi’in. The Colonel has started to visit the store 7-9 times a week, often three times a day, as if he were a shopper who had forgotten to buy what he came for. There must be some secret communication going on. Also, no matter what time of day and regardless of crowd conditions, the Colonel proceeds to the roof of the parking ramp and parks far away from all other vehicles. We suspect that this, like the red light maneuver, is to defeat surveillance. We have also noted that on days when he has walked fewer than 10,000 steps, he sometimes walks around the car multiple times for no apparent reason. He may be checking for explosive devices.
Day 8. In accordance with policy and procedure, we have activated various warning lights from time to time to test the Colonel’s responses. He appears to have seen through our ploy. He pays no attention to warnings about engine, tires, or oil level. However, when the windshield washer fluid warning went on, the Colonel drove straight to the service station.
Day 9. The Colonel drove all day with the hazard lights flashing. We have not been able to decode the message.
Day 10. For the first time, the Colonel indicated he was turning right (as usual, three intersections in advance of the turn), and actually turned right. In recent days, it has become impossible to predict the subject’s driving behavior; it seems entirely random. The IDF has obviously developed a novel algorithm. Perhaps AI will help in deciphering.
Day 11. The Colonel drove on Route 40 towards Eilat and never exceeded 40 km per hour. On the way home, he got to Route 433 and, after some initial acceleration where it appeared that he was trying to get to 433 kph, never again exceeded 40 km per hour.
Day 12. Our sensors have determined that the Colonel now adjusts his seat so his torso almost touches the steering wheel and only the top of his head is visible from outside. This strategy is probably to frustrate snipers, or perhaps carjackers, since no normal person could drive in that position.
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My wife misses her car. Has anyone tried to buy one on Temu or Ali Express?
Author’s Note: Any similarity to the driving habits of an actual 77-year old woman, living or dead, is 100% intentional, and if I have to make my own dinner, so be it. At least we confused the hell out of the Chinese.
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