When Community Creates Loneliness Instead of Acceptance

When Community Creates Loneliness Instead of Acceptance….

When we take an honest but gentle look at ourselves, we can learn dignity and compassion for others while building connections…

We learn that on Lag B’omer, the semi-mourning of Sphira is suspended because 12,000 pairs of Rabbi Akiva’s talmidim stopped dying that day. The Talmud is said to have attributed the deaths of Rabbi Akiva’s students to the idea that their deaths occurred because they did not give proper respect to one another. This assertion is unclear and cryptic, and many explanations exist. Still, they indicate a lack of unity, humility, or respect among his students and the general population. The times we live in seem much more complicated than those of our forefathers. Advancements in science and other fields have led to developments most humans could never have imagined. Our knowledge, opinions, and points of view are more diverse. While we have made tremendous strides in science, health, and the arts, our communities have become more varied and complex. These advances are coinciding, as our acceptance and tolerance of personal and communal differences have repeatedly lessened, often leading to a lack of respect. Regretfully, we have diminished our respect for our fellow Jews and others in our communities, and when we narrow our regard for others, our own self-esteem becomes damaged. We crave connection and approval, yet often walk away feeling different, less than, lonely, and longing to join. Frequently, we don’t measure up.

When the community demands perfection, and we learn to project a false flawless front, we experience a fundamental disconnect. We are in the midst of what is likely the loneliest generation yet. Loneliness is so widespread that in 2018, the United Kingdom created the post of “Minister of Loneliness”, addressing loneliness and the related health concerns it can lead to: high blood pressure, heart disease, chronic inflammation, and even dementia. It strikes people regardless of age, gender, or their situation in life. Our communities ideally should offer safety, inclusion, support, and inspiration. In our generation, our communities have too often focused on imposing demands instead of providing support. For many of us, the demands are just unattainable. Chronic fear of failure, a perpetual sense of insufficiency, loneliness, and shame inevitably follow. A portion of this disconnect and separation occurs when we fail despite our efforts to prove to ourselves or our community that we at least measure up or are even better than others. We know intimately every nuance of what terrifies us. We know the secrets within each of us and how different they seem from how we view others. In short, on the inside, we are all so much more similar than we are different. Our secrets are mainly the same. Marriages crumble, mental illness affects our families or us, and addictions take hold, families break, people go astray, and decisions are made that can never be reversed. No one is exempt. Even though deep inside we know this, many of us continue to act as if we are unblemished, unaffected; our families and we are perfect. Noted shame researcher and author Dr. Brene’ Brown says, “Every single person has a story that will break your heart. And if you’re paying attention, many people have a story that will bring you to your knees. Nobody rides for free.”

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Last year, Dr. Vivek Murthy, 19th and 21st Surgeon General of the United States, cited loneliness as a public crisis and a new public health epidemic in the United States. He stated,  “Our epidemic of loneliness and isolation has been an under-appreciated public health crisis that has harmed individual and societal health. Our relationships are a source of healing and well-being, hiding in plain sight—one that can help us live healthier, more fulfilled, and more productive lives”. Murthy says, “Given the significant health consequences of loneliness and isolation, we must prioritize it. The new reports track a decline in social connections, especially among young people, and show that half of adults are lonely, linking it to billions of dollars in healthcare costs. He cites the antidote to this crisis as a need to rebuild the social fabric of this country through social connections. He recommends that, as a society, we build social connections the same way we have prioritized other critical public health issues such as tobacco, obesity, and substance use disorders. Together, we can build a country that’s healthier, more resilient, less lonely, and more connected”. Dr Murthy clarifies that “There is a difference between solitude and loneliness. Solitude—being alone or isolated—is about being physically alone; it’s an objective phenomenon based on the number of people around you; however, loneliness is a subjective term that refers to how you feel about your connection. I might have one person around me, but I don’t feel lonely at all because I feel a deep connection to myself and that person. Or I could have one hundred people around me and feel profoundly lonely, which happens to many people. We could ensure that people are interacting with others all day long, but that doesn’t mean we will reduce loneliness.”

The gap between community expectations and reality compounds loneliness when our communities demand more and more, and we project a false, perfect front; we experience a fundamental disconnect. For many of us, this translates into a deep sense of loneliness. Underneath this false self, ultimately, we all hanker to feel we belong and to know we matter. We crave the feeling that someone truly sees us, “warts and all”. Imperfections and all, we yearn to feel valued, important, and loved.  Still, despite this desire to be accepted or connected, we stay separate and isolated. This lack of connection and loneliness is the plague of our generation. There are many paths to correction and healing.  These can include prayer, learning, and psychotherapy, among others.  In psychotherapy, we can explore the root causes of disconnection: the fear, self-judgment, pain, and shame that got us to where we are today. We find ways to return to our true selves and realize that we are all in this together, perfectly imperfect and worthy of others and Hashem’s love in this moment. The saying “comparison is the thief of joy” is often quoted. In other words, you’ll never be happy if you constantly compare yourself to others; you will always feel inferior or superior, never equal to.   When we can respect ourselves and value our struggles, we can respect others and join with them.

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Dr. Marcia Kesner is a psychotherapist in private practice with offices in Brooklyn and the Upper West Side of Manhattan. She specializes in treatment-resistant, self-harming, and self-sabotaging behaviors and addictive disorders, as well as healing from the after-effects of trauma and abuse. She has recently been incorporating more of an emphasis on shame, resilience, vulnerability, and self-compassion into her work.