When Giving Up a Child is the Most Loving Thing a Parent Can Do

In our tradition, children are divine gifts. As parents, we bestow blessings on our children, who in turn are the blessings in our lives. It may therefore seem counterintuitive what I am about to say, but here it goes:

Sometimes the right Jewish choice for a parent is to put their child up for adoption.

There are a myriad of reasons this might be true—anything from significant mental health struggles leading to potential abuse to major financial desperation leading to potential neglect. To be clear, even when surrendering a child may be right, that does not make it easy. Few decisions could be more complex and consequential. Any parent who feels they cannot care for their child will no doubt experience tremendous pain and inner conflict. But the fact remains that putting a child up for adoption might be the most loving, responsible choice some parents ever make. 

One of the biggest obstacles is the stigma around adoption in Jewish communities. Many people have the attitude that there is a kind of moral failing in giving up a child—that it is somehow antithetical to Torah values. Fear and shame shroud the issue in silence.

You must believe me when I say, this affects more Jewish families than you can imagine. I myself used to believe that there simply were no Jewish kids up for adoption. I was wrong. Jewish children do end up in America’s sprawling foster care system, and in this way, they lose the chance to be held by Jewish community. This is one of the many reasons why, in 2019, I founded a Jewish nonprofit to support foster and adoptive families: YATOM. We provide education, resources, community, and open-hearted support.

To illustrate what we do, I want to tell you about a young Jewish mother who came into my office not too long ago. She told me that she had a three-year-old, Joshua (not his real name). For reasons I won’t detail, this woman was confident Joshua would not thrive to his greatest potential under her care. There were no available relatives who could take him. When a parent such as Joshua’s mom comes to YATOM, I always remind myself to really listen deeply so I can determine how to support the specific needs of the person in front of me. For some parents, the solution to help them take care of their child might not be adoption at all, but rather connecting them to more resources, or finding a temporary foster situation. When it is safe to do so, our first priority is to aim to keep families together. However, in the case of Joshua, the young mother trusted me to find a permanent placement for her son in a loving Jewish family. 

Fast forward about a year and a half: the results are stunning. Joshua’s bio-mother is now able to build her career and parent her other child. She is in regular contact with Joshua, who is, I am overjoyed to report, flourishing with his adoptive family. They love him and have integrated him into the family so, so beautifully. 

In the right placement, all parties will thrive. That said, it is critical to support families not just during the adoption, but in the years after. This means both the biological family going through a painful process, and the adoptive family who is on a new journey. Having a doctorate in developmental psychology, I think a lot about the needs of children, especially on the emotional level. Naturally, when a situation goes beyond my expertise, I consult out to an incredible support network. 

It is, of course, not always smooth sailing. Even in good placements, it is traumatic for a child to be removed from their biological home, regardless of how abusive or neglectful. Despite the pain involved, early intervention makes a difference. While is complex and there are many different studies, longitudinal evaluation has shown that removing kids from unstable homes generally results in improved quality of life over those who are left in such homes. Given this, it behooves us all as Jews to reduce the stigma around Jewish adoption so that families are not discouraged from reaching out for support.

At YATOM, we receive some truly painful calls. There is a lot of need and fear and desperation out there. I try to hold on to the wins. Not long ago, there was the bar mitzvah of a boy—well, a young man now—who was placed in an adoptive family with a family supported by YATOM. It was a joyful occasion. Moments such as that fuel me so I can show up fully when the call comes in. May we all listen with kindness when a Jewish family expresses a need to find supportive living conditions for their children.