Stephen Horenstein
Music, Arts and Society

Wowza Air!

IMPORTANT NOTICE (click this link)

I have decided to start my own airline.  I will call it Wowza Air.  I am buying a flock of huge cranes who have agreed to collaborate with me.  Each flock of 100 giant cranes will fly 10 people (a minyan) anywhere they want to go in the world.  Each flock will first fly to Iceland before landing at the promised destination.  All Iceland stops will be 12 hours, during which travelers will be able to check into one of the island’s special spa hotels (at a reasonable rate).  Each hotel will offer a special health option, including diet, relaxation and brain enhancement.  After a comfortable night’s sleep, travelers will fly to their destination on freshly-fed cranes trained in flying over large bodies of ocean waters.  Once in a while the cranes will need to decrease altitude to grab up surface-swimming fish for the birds’ nourishment.  During this sudden altitude drop passengers will be asked to fasten their seat belts and take a good deep breath.  Wowza Air promises that there will always be enough fresh fish (caught by the cranes) to also feed the passengers.  Given the turbulence of ocean jet streams, passengers should take care not to choke on the fish bones; Wowza Air cannot provide medical attention in the event of such accidents.  When flying over the ocean, passengers will be treated to special low-budget music which the cranes themselves have recorded: squawks and quacks in a new mashed album.  Of course, as on all Wowza flights, there will be the possibility to book “business class”; this consists of two chairs (out of ten) which are wider and are built on the back of two of the fattest cranes.

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Important message to all passengers: Return flight is not guaranteed.  When you want to return, you will have the opportunity to fly on an individual crane to Iceland, and then to your final return destination.  However, passengers must be warned that flying on ONE crane may slow the journey up; no doubt there will be more turbulence than what is considered the acceptable norm.

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Disclosure:  Wowza’s cranes have been discussing a possible worldwide strike.  In case of a strike, we will gladly reroute passengers to a galley ship.  Unfortunately in such cases, passengers will have to row so that the ship will move.  In such cases, given the circumstances and slight inconvenience, all passengers will receive a 10% discount on their flight fare.

Finally, we want to thank all customers for their loyal service.  As part of our crane special we do offer permanent settlement in Iceland where the sun always shines (in the correct season) and all muzak in the island’s stores play an array of great classics, including Micky Katz’ Herring Boats are Coming (with bagels and lox) and the complete soundtrack of Fiddler on the Roof.  As the island is also building upward you will notice many building cranes on which our real cranes do their morning exercise as preparation for all our worldwide flights.

Sincerely, The Management, Wowza Air

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About the Author
Stephen Horenstein is a composer, researcher and educator. His repertoire of musical works has been performed and recorded worldwide. He has been a recipient of the Israel Prime Minister's Prize for Composers and the National Endowment of the Arts (USA). His teaching has included Bennington College, Brandeis University, Tel Aviv University, Jerusalem Academy of Music and Dance; residencies at Stanford University, York University, California Institute of the Arts, and others. He is Founder and Director of the Jerusalem Institute of Contemporary Music, established in 1988 to bring the music of our time to a wider audience.
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