Yitro 2.0

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[Explanatory note: The following text is a translation of a recently discovered manuscript fragment that appears to date from the third century BCE.  Its form and content suggest that the authors intended to reach an audience that was familiar with canonical texts, using the Masoretic style, but espousing heterodox concepts.  The manuscripts were found in a cave, actually a dungeon, off Kaplan Street in Tel Aviv and the translation is by Professor Yair Golan-Lapid.]

And it came to pass that Yitro, having returned to Midian, heard that the Israelites would not be proceeding directly to Canaan, but would instead be sojourning forty years in the desert.  Verily he missed his grandchildren, whom he had delivered to their father, and he decided once again to visit the camp.

And he sent a messenger to Moshe, “I am thy father-in-law Yitro, come once again to visit.”

And Moshe replied,  “If thou cometh yet again without my mother-in-law, thou art indeed still welcome,” and Moshe went forth to greet Yitro, accompanied by a number of armed correction officers.

“Who are these men?” asked Yitro, and Moshe responded, “Verily these are the guards who accompany me everywhere since the judges whom thou suggested that I appoint have placed me under house arrest.”  “But surely, my advice was that those judges should only deal with minor matters, and all serious matters requiring consultation with God should be brought before thee.”

“Yes,” said Moshe, “But, verily, as I speaketh, the judges whom thou didst advise me to appoint held that consultation with God was an Establishment of Religion and a violation of separation of powers under our constitution.”  “But thou hast no constitution,” said Yitro.  “Thou hast nought but the Torah, the word of God, given on Sinai.”  “Alas, the judges concluded that the Torah, as interpreted, is unreasonable.” 

And Yitro fell on his face, sorely regretting the advice he had given.  Then, with a mouth half full of sand, his strength was restored and he proclaimed, “But thou hast the power to appoint new judges!”  And Moshe wept, for how could he explain to his father-in-law that the power to appoint new judges was in the hands of the judges themselves, as well as the erev rav, or, as it was first called, the Association whose name is Bar.

“But the last time I visited, thou recounted all the wonders the Lord had performed for Israel and all the troubles He had overcome for them, and thou told me that the people proclaimed ‘naaseh venishmah,’ we will comply and obey.”  “Thou speakest the truth,” said Moses, “but after these things came to pass, the elders of the school of the law established by the judges explained that the people who spoke with one voice must actually have meant ‘we will comply and obey if the judges find it reasonable,’ for to interpret it otherwise would be unreasonable.” “Do they challenge the word of God?”  “Surely not, for they say that they seek only to understand God’s true intention, which God appears to have a hard time communicating to anyone but them.”

“What, pray tell, troubles them, that they have imposed these plagues upon thee?” “Many things.  For example, God decreed that it was impermissible to cook a kid in its mother’s milk. ‘But what,’ they said, ‘if the mother identifies as a man?’ And I stood mute, for they then further asked whether a father could annul the vows of his daughter if his daughter was transitioning. And God, the Lord of Hosts and Hostesses, had not mentioned transitioning girls to me. And many like things.  And then they accused me of disrespecting the court-endorsed Attorney-General, Korach, who had interpreted and reinterpreted and interpreted once again the BBasic Law.”

“And what is this BBasic Law, as thus thrice interpreted?”  “The BBasic Law, according to the judges, is ‘Whatsoever is proclaimed by Moshe, or anyone who is actually elected by the people, is wrong.’”

“Were there so many litigants unhappy with God’s law?”  “No, but the judges ruled that any hewer of wood or drawer of water could bring any matter before them, whether they were involved in a case or controversy or not, and lo, we have multitudes of hewers and drawers, who have the wealth of Egypt [note, the text anachronistically says “Qatar,” suggesting a later interpolation] to cause much trouble and pain (in the original Hebrew, Soros).” “But,” said Yitro, “that is insane.  No system of justice operates in such a manner.”  And Moses lifted up his voice and bitterly wept once again.

[Note:  The narrative appears to end here, but there follows an extended block of text that must have been distorted or miscopied over time, as it describes positions of the judges that could not rationally be held in any democracy with a separation of powers and equal and separate branches of government: to summarize, for the sake of disclosure, without any claim of authenticity, the extant fragment of the text suggests that the judges claimed that in the absence of a written constitution, they could rely on their own sense of right and wrong, independent of any articulated law, to overturn any law that was promulgated by a duly elected government; that they could dismiss any elected or appointed official of any other branch of government; that the other branches of government could not dismiss officials they themselves had appointed if the court objected; that they could determine whether or not the internal domestic decisions on sovereignty made by the democratically elected government should be given effect . .  and similar incomprehensible positions too outlandish to articulate.

As evidence that the authors of this surviving fragment had access to, but limited respect for, the original Bible, at the conclusion of this Yitro fragment there is a variant of the commandments that appear in the original Yitro Torah portion.  However, there are only six of them that have survived, and they appear to have been issued by the judges, not Moshe.]

Hear, O Israel:   I am the Lord thy God Who took thee out of Egypt, but feel free to have other Gods if it pleaseth thee.  Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain, but thou mayest forget Him and His name altogether.  Remember the Sabbath, because we will not be observing it any longer.  Honor anyone who identifies as your father or mother. Thou shalt not murder or steal; nothing wrong with a little adultery. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s ox; thou mayest covet his wife or ass (see previous commandment).

[Note:  the same dungeon in which this text was discovered also contained alternative versions of other religious texts.  Keeping Salman Rushdie and Charlie Hebdo in mind, the editors have concluded that if you must antagonize someone, it is always safest to antagonize other Jews.  Please address any negative comments to Professor Yair Golan-Lapid.]