Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup–Day 11
Before re-capping Sunday’s action, a few preliminary matters first.
The Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup (ZGWC) would be the first to state that it does not possess the gift of prophecy. However, in its review of Group J, the following pronouncement appeared:
“It is difficult for the ZGWC to conjure up anything positive to say about Algeria.”
After the Argentinian team, led by the brilliant Lionel Messi, handed the Algerian squad a 3-nil drubbing. According to a report in the Jerusalem Post, Algerian sports analyst Mustafa Mazzouzi stated on their national TV broadcast that a “Jewish lobby” manufactured the Algerian defeat and insured that the Polish referee favored Messi. “Messi is protected by the Jewish lobby,” Mazzouzi said, “This lobby controls the world, they run it however they want as if they were the mafia.”
There you have it, folks. Algeria’s next game is Monday against Jordan. The Algerians should be favored, but the ZGWC will begrudgingly look for the Chivalrous Ones to prevail.
The second preliminary matter involves the putative adoption of John Denver’s song “Country Roads” as the theme song for the USMNT. While the ZGWC is okay with the idea of a national team song to be sung by the crowds before, during, and after US team matches, the ZGWC would prefer something a little more edgy, a little more combative.
How about, for instance, something by The Ramones–a classic American band? The ZGWC suggests “Now I Wanna Sniff Some Glue.” Imagine, if you will, the entire stadium in Seattle singing this Ramones tune after a stunning U.S. victory.
Not belligerent enough? Why not “Coup d’Etat” by the Circle Jerks? If nothing else, this song will inspire fisticuffs between virile U.S supporters and the sniveling fans of their foreign opponents.
Still not satisfied? Then try on “Gimme Back My Bullets” by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Not only is it intimidating, macho, and reflective of our collective Second Amendment rights, but who better expresses the essence of America–John Denver or Lynyrd Skynyd?
(That was a rhetorical question, naturally.)
Dear Reader(s), you should feel free to post your suggestions in the comment section.
To recap last night’s last game, the Blue Samurai pretty much demolished Tunisia, 4-0. The hapless Tunisians could not even manage a shot on goal against the efficient Japanese. Tunisia’s World Cup is essentially over, and the entire nation can enjoy their humiliation. Well, maybe “enjoy” is the wrong word. It works for the ZGWC, though, and that is what counts here.
The day’s action began with Spain looking to recover from their opening draw against Cape Verde and to score copious goals against Saudi Arabia. The ZGWC was hoping that the Saudis would frustrated the Spaniards into yet another scoreless draw. The ZGWC was pining for something akin to the Umayyad’s 8th Century conquest of the Iberian Peninsula; what the ZGWC received was something more akin to the Reconquista. La Roja scored early and often against the Saudis. It was 3-nil by the time of the first hydration break. If the Saudis were trying to play the Spanish like Cape Verde did in last’s week’s scoreless draw, then they proved themselves to be completely inept. The Spanish players had all of the time and space needed to cut the Green Falcons to shreds.
In another instance of business before pleasure in Group G, a.k.a. The Group of Death, the ZGWC was pulling for Belgium to down the Iranian team in short order. Unfortunately, Team Melli managed a scoreless draw against the highly-rated Belgian side. While the Belgians were clearly the better footballing team and had numerous chances to score, the Iranians produced more than a few dangerous chances. Belgian defender Nathan Ngoy drew a straight red card in the 66th minute and thereby changed the game’s dynamics. For those of you scoring at home, Kevin De Bruyne did not sing the Belgian national anthem for the second straight game.
Tournament upstarts Cape Verde next went up against title contenders Uruguay in the day’s third match. It was a rousing affair where Uruguay had most of the possession and most of the scoring opportunities. Despite these advantages, the Blue Sharks struck first, as Kevin Pina scored on a brilliant free kick that split the defenders in the Uruguayan wall. La Celeste fought back and posted two goals before halftime. In the second half, it appeared that Uruguay was fighting hard to add to their score in order to match Spain’s goal differential following their lopsided win earlier in the day. The Uruguayans became sloppy in possession, though, and Cape Verde substitute Helio Varela pounced on a errant pass and leveled the score in the 61st minute. It was Varela’s first touch after coming into the match. Of particular note, Varela plays for Maccabi Tel Aviv. Woohoo.
The last match featured New Zealand and Egypt. The ZGWC was riding high following Varela’s triumph in the previous match. The All Whites broke through on a corner kick in the 15th minute to seize of 1-0 lead, further propelling the ZGWC’s euphoria. Perhaps there was even some notion of glue sniffing. Probably not, though. In any event, after haftime, the ZGWC’s reveries all came to naught, as the Pharoahs struck three times: in the 58th, 67th, and 82nd minutes. Insult to injury, the much-reviled Mo Salah claimed the decisive second of these goals. The win propelled Egypt to the top of the Group of Death. Yuch.
Tomorrow, ZGWC favorite Argentina faces off against pareve rated Austria. It will be interesting to see if anyone besides Messi scores for the Albiceleste.
Crusades ’26 continue in the second games as France plays Iraq. An embarrassing nil-nil draw would greatly appreciated.
Senegal came up short in their first game against France. They will be looking to claim three points off of the Norwegians, who seem to offer little else beside Erling Haaland. Having Erling Haaland, mind you, could very well be sufficient.
The final match features an Arab intramural affair between the much-reviled Algerians and the slightly-less-reviled Jordanians. Grit your teeth and root for the Jordanians.
Bonus: ZGWC Recap Cheering Guide
Pareve or better teams listed below:
Group A: Czechia +; South Korea (pareve)
Group B: Switzerland (pareve); Bosnia and Herzegovina (pareve-)
Group C: Haiti + (note that Haiti has been eliminated from going forward)
Group D: USA +; Paraguay +
Group E: Ecuador +; Curacao +; Ivory Coast (pareve); Germany (pareve-)
Group F: Japan (pareve)
Group G: New Zealand (pareve)
Group H: Uruguay +; Cape Verde +
Group I: Senegal (pareve)
Group J: Argentina +; Austria (pareve-)
Group K: Congo DR (pareve); Uzbekistan (pareve-) (Note: Colombian election results are pending and the initial returns look good. Be prepared for a + rating for Los Cafeteros. Stay tuned to this channel for further developments.)
Group L: Panama +; Ghana (pareve)
See you tomorrow.
