Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup—Day 15
Day 14 left the Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup (ZGWC) in the dumps as the South Koreans opted not to start the greatest player the country’s history, Son Heung-Min, and proceeded to drop a winnable game to much reviled South Africa, 1-nil.
Day 15 brought untold joys though as ZGWC-favored Ecuador finally managed to score some goals and defeat ed group winner Germany as a result. Yesterday, Sunderland striker Wilson Isidor scored a screamer for Haiti; today it was Sunderland midfielder Nelson Angulo doing likewise for Ecuador. The yellow-clad Ecuador fans went beserk after La Tri scored the game winner off a corner kick late in the match. With the victory, Ecuador secured their passage to the knockout rounds. The victory also salvaged the ZGWC’s pre-tournament optimism for the squad.
The other Group E match featured a contest of monochromatic sides: Ivory Coast in all orange and Curaçao in all blue. The Blue Wave had previously had two moments of tournament glory–an unlikely goal against Germany in the opener and a hard earned draw against Ecuador. They would not have a third such moment, as the Ivory Coast took care of business and won 2-0. The Elephants finished second in the group and, depending on the opponent, could be endorsed by the ZGWC.
Group F matches saw the powerful Dutch team dismantle lowly Tunisia, 3-1. The Tunisians will be forced to return home in defeat, but will be able to gloat about their meaningless consolation goal. Japan and Sweden fought to a 1-1 draw in a match where the Japanese were favored, both by the bookies and the ZGWC. The Netherlands won the group with Japan finishing second. Both will be rewarded with tough Round of 32 matches. The Dutch will take on Morocco in a match where the ZGWC may slightly favor the Oranje. For their part, Japan will run smack into Brazil and its legacy of footballing excellence. The Blue Samurai could pull the big upset, and the ZGWC will keep the Lula da Silva Wearing A Keffiyeh To A Match clock at six minutes to midnight.
Group D matches featured Paraguay versus Australia and the USA versus already-eliminated Turkey. The first game ended in a scoreless draw which left the Australians and their anti-Israel foreign minister Penny Wong in second place in the group. The ZGWC favored Paraguay squad will have to wait until more matches are played to determine who they face in the Round of 32.
The term “Dead Rubber” has officially entered the lexicon of American sports lingo, joining such phrases as “Texas Leaguer” and “Wishbone T.” The US had already clinched first place in Group D, while the mortified Turks had already been eliminated from advancing in the tournament. As such, the match was essentially meaningless, thereby fitting the description of a “Dead Rubber.” Obviously. Duh. Anyway, the US made nine (9) lineup changes and thereby seemed to regard the match as a depth building exercise. They nearly pulled it off, surrendering the winning goal to Turkey in the final seconds of stoppage time. The ZGWC pictures Recep Tayyip Erdogan watching the match bedecked as a full kit wanker and celebrating ecstatically his empty triumph over the Americans. He and the rest of his country can wake up tomorrow and return to a state of near total humiliation at their team’s underwhelming performance. Even though they beat the USA, it was largely a victory over the American bench. As Americans, though, they still expected their bench to wipe the floor with the Turks. The ZGWC notes with despair the USMNT’s record of futility against European sides and eyes next week’s match against Bosnia and Herzegovina with some apprehension.
Friday’s matches begin with France versus Norway and Senegal versus Iraq. The ZGWC dreads France and Norway in nearly equal measure, so it will pull for the poorly-played nil-nil draw. Conversely, the ZGWC hopes the Senegalese will get to work out their frustrations on an inferior Iraqi squad and accomplish two goals simultaneously: 1) score sufficient goals to win a spot in the knockout round; and 2) send the Iraqis back to Baghdad with an even more frightful goal differential.
The ZGWC will be cheering for Cape Verde to add to Saudi Arabia’s woes and bounce them from the tournament. All the more better if Maccabi Tel Aviv’s Helio Varela can score again in the process. Further joy could be coming if Uruguay finds itself capable of ninety minutes of consistent football and pulls an upset over Spain.
As for the final games in the Group of Death, New Zealand will be looking to upset powerful-on-paper-but- toothless-in-reality Belgium. The other Group G match will be a three sided affair between Egypt, Iran, and the city of Seattle celebrating Pride Weekend. Hopefully, some so-called “Queers for Palestine” will have their neatly constructed morality plays totally upended in the resulting scrum. A few missing teeth would be awesome. Enjoy.
