Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup—Days 27 & 28
Day 27 (Please excuse the delay.)
“You shall remember the Exodus from Egypt….”
Read here not “from,” but “of.”
Indeed, verily, the Exodus of Egypt from the 2026 World Cup will be remembered for a long time to come. Leading 2-nil over the defending champions from Argentina until the 79th minute, the Egyptians were poised to pull off one of the most unlikely results in recent World Cup history. The Albiceleste, though, led by the magnificent Lionel Messi, scored thrice in the time remaining to send the Pharaohs back to their morally barren land. Naturally, the Egyptians treated their humiliating defeat with all of the grace and self-control that one might expect of a country of such evident civic virtue. Well, not exactly. We have been here before. In the wake of Egypt’s utter defeat at the hands of Israel in the Six Day War, the Gamal Abdul Nasser-led government sought to blame their fate on every possible cause save for the two most obvious: Egyptian operational incompetence and Israeli tactical brilliance. In doing so, outrageous conspiracy theories evolved in an attempt to avoid responsibility and to deny the obvious reality of the post-war world. Similarly, after their most recent shocking loss, the Egyptian team and its supporters are pointing fingers in every direction except the two most relevant: Egyptian footballing incompetence and the Argentinian will to win. As to whether any of the Egyptians’ multiple complaints and conspiracy theories have any validity, the Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup (ZGWC) cares not a whit. The ZGWC considers this result as one of the most important in its entire history of analyzing the FIFA World Cup. An Egyptian victory would have seen a plethora of Palestinian flags at the Pharaohs’ next match and more bloviation from Hossam Hassan, Egypt’s Israel-hating manager. Now, miraculously, we are left with only their whining and their pettiness as they scamper back home on their chartered jet.
Once more, History waves her mute adieus to such deserving losers.
The final match of the Round of 16 featured Colombia and Switzerland. The ZGWC favored Colombia, but they were unable to convert their superior play over 120 minutes into a simple 1-nil victory. This matched ended up with penalty kicks, and the Colombians had one of their five kicks ricochet off of the crossbar and another land in the hands of the Swiss keeper. While the Swiss skied one of their kicks into the stand, they put the remaining four into the back of the net–a testament to Swiss precision. Until that point, the Colombians had had a very good World Cup, and it is unfortunate that they will not be advancing further.
The quarterfinals are now set, so the ZGWC will do a short assessment of the overall situation. The four quarterfinal matches will see, in order, France versus Morocco; Spain versus Belgium; England versus Norway; and Argentina versus Switzerland.
South America and Africa have one team left apiece, and western Europe hogs the remaining six quarterfinal berths. So far as the ZGWC is concerned, only Argentina is left of the ZGWC-endorsed teams. Switzerland is carrying a pareve rating. The remaining six teams are all justifiably frowned upon. As such, the 2026 World Cup has been an exercise in pain for the ZGWC, the Argentine come-from-behind triumph over much-reviled Egypt notwithstanding. Three of the four quarterfinal matches feature match-ups of two teams disdained by the ZGWC.
For today’s blog, the focus will be on France versus Morocco, tomorrow’s first quarterfinal.
This match not only pairs up a former colonial occupying power and their former groveling subjects, but also serves as a re-match of their 2022 World Cup semifinal. The Moroccans won their fight for independence, 4-1; but dropped the more relevant semifinal to the Froggies, 2-nil. Both sides are to be considered undesirables. The ZGWC readily acknowledges that the government of Morocco has signed onto the Abraham Accords and reportedly maintains a strong, stable relationship with the Israeli government. The problem is that many of the players on the Moroccan team have expressed support for Israel’s enemies, a sentiment that is widely shared amongst the Moroccan population. As the sole remaining representative of the Arab world in the World Cup, the Moroccans will feel the need to express their support for Palestinian nationalism, as was the case in 2022. The aforementioned Hossam Hassan waved a Palestinian flag in victory and spit at an Israeli flag in defeat. More of the same behavior can be expected from his Moroccan cousins should they prevail against the French. As such, the ZGWC cannot cheer for Morocco.
The ZGWC is trying to apply the principle of cheering for the lesser of two evils, which in this case would leave us with France. It is very hard to cheer for the French. Since October 7th, France has pursued a shameful anti-Israel diplomatic agenda, aimed at pacifying domestic constituencies and not at the actual Middle East in matters where France’s true foreign policy interests should largely align with Israel’s. The French are likely aware of this dissonance, but are too spineless to be honest on the subject. As for the current situation in Lebanon, the French appear most concerned about being treated as a relevant party, than in actually working to achieve a lasting resolution to the Hezbollah state-within-a-state. The ZGWC will favor France over Morocco in tomorrow’s match, but the ZGWC will be certain to wash its hands afterwards.
Day 28
Choose your poison(s), Dear Reader(s).
Friday’s World Cup match features Spain versus Belgium. Saturday’s lineup starts out with England versus Norway. It’s a veritable race to the bottom–-just like today’s France/Morocco match.
The Froggies won comfortably, 2-nil, and repeated the result from last year’s semifinal when Les Bleus also downed Morocco, 2-nil. In doing so, if one adds in the score line from Morocco’s independence (see above), the French lead the Moroccans on aggregate 5-4. For their part, the Moroccan’s displayed a certain amount of dignity in their defeat, as opposed to the behavior of the Egyptians. For instance, they refrained from accusing French goal scorers Kylian Mbappé and Ousmane Dembélé of being Zionist agents. Of course, the talented Moroccan squad could only manage a single shot on target against the über talented Frenchies. In that light, conspiracy theories only get one so far. For its part, the ZGWC was happy to see the pair of French goals, but did thoroughly wash its hands after the final whistle blew.
Spain and Belgium have not spent so much time thinking about each other since the heady days of the Spanish Netherlands in the 1600s. There is so much for the ZGWC to dislike about both of these countries. In November 2023, Spanish prime minister Pedro Sanchez and Belgium prime minister Alexander De Croo attempted to double team Binyamin Netanyahu in a joint meeting in Jerusalem. But if it is forced to choose poisons, Belgium still maintains full diplomatic relations with Israel; Spain does not. Belgium has a larger Jewish community than Spain’s. However, the larger community ultimately means that when Belgian legislators attempt to ban bris milah and shechitah, it actually affects the lives of many people, as opposed to being a merely an exercise in performative anti-Semitism. Spanish exorcised most of its Jews by 1492, after all. Forced to choose, Belgium will receive a leering nod.
England’s presumptive new prime minister Andy Burnham today gave hints that he would pursue a more actively anti-Israel foreign policy (See: https://www.timesofisrael.com/likely-next-british-pm-uk-must-put-more-pressure-on-the-israeli-government/). That’s just groovy. Let’s make a foreign policy of complete moral inversion even more inverted. You go, Andy. Norway, for its part, can boast its own anti-Israel bona fides. Diplomatic relations between the two states hang by a thread. The Norwegians, though, do have Erling Haaland, who has proved his friendship with Israelis and their favored lunch meats. For his part, English star Harry Kane spent many years playing for Tottenham Hotspur, widely considered the “Jewish” club of London. In doing so, he participated in various Shoah memorials over the years. Forced to choose, flip a coin.
The remaining quarterfinal will be between Argentina and Switzerland. Following the allegations of the Egyptians and others that the Mossad, AIPAC, and the Beth Sholom Sisterhood are fixing matches for the benefit of the Argentinians, this match is really a no- brainer for the likes of the ZGWC. If the fix is in, as is alleged, then we can expect a satisfying performance from the boys in the light blue and white striped jerseys. Viva la Argentina.
