Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup–Groups K/L Previews

Group K

It is likely that Portugal goes around with a chip on its shoulder vis-a-vis its larger, more populous Iberian Peninsula neighbor.  For instance, when Spain expelled its Jews in 1492, it was regarded as a significant event in the course of European history.  Conversely, when Portugal expelled, then forcibly converted its Jews in 1496-1497, it was mostly a footnote.  Even in Jewish history, Portugal’s actions are a footnote.  Spain’s Francisco Franco was a well-known fascist dictator; Portugal’s Antonio de Oliveira Salazar was, ho hum, just another fascist dictator in the neighborhood.  Since October 7th, Spain has hurtled to the pinnacle of European Jew haters.  For its part, Portugal has remained in Spain’s shadow.  Sure, it has condemned Israel when necessary, and, yes, it recognized the State of Palestine, along with the United Kingdom, Canada, and Australia in September 2025.  At the end of the day, though, in the field of anti-Israel advocacy Portugal has been bested by its neighbor once again.  Well, take heart, yon Portugal, the Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup (ZGWC) has duly noted your efforts and will grant you a negative rating for the World Cup.  Naturally, it is not as negative a rating as some certain other country might receive, but still….

Two cheers for the Democratic Republic of the Congo.  Few countries have been as shoddily treated as the poor DRC.  They suffered through the worst of all European colonial experiences at the hands of the Belgians and King Leopold II.  After independence, which came at the cost of much blood and misery, homegrown tyrant Mobutu Sese Soku took over and called his country “Zaire.” Though rich in resources, Congo has been beset by continual internal conflicts, massacres, and chaos.  Most recently, the country has been struck by the Ebola virus.  Aside from the famous 1974 boxing match between Muhammad Ali and George Foreman, there has been little in the course of the DRC’s history to bring joy to its long-suffering people.  Now the Congolese have something else to cheer for as Léopards have qualified for the World Cup for the second time and the first time since 1974.  The DRC has been supportive of Israel in the African Union for many years and has opened a branch of its embassy in Jerusalem.  Current DRC President Felix Tshisekedi has been a consistent ally of Israel’s interests.  Accordingly, the ZGWC has something to cheer for, as well.  Make that three cheers for the DRC.

The Muslim majority countries of Central Asia–unlike their co-religionists in the Arab world–typically have cordial relations with Israel. All of the Central Asian republics of the former Soviet Union enjoy diplomatic relations with Israel.  Uzbekistan is no exception.  There is a long history of Jews living in Uzbekistan, particularly Bukharan Jews in Samarkand and other locations.  While many Jews have emigrated since the fall of the Soviet Union, Uzbekistan retains a Jewish community, and the country boasts a dozen or so shuls.  The White Wolves have now qualified for their first-ever World Cup.  Against the likes of Portugal and Colombia, the ZGWC strongly favors the Uzbeks.

Whither Colombia?  Historically, Colombia has been one of Israel’s best friends in Latin America.  Not only does the Colombian Air Force fly Israeli-made Kfir fighters and the Colombian Army use multiple Israeli weapons systems, but their soccer team was coached by the great Argentinian M.O.T. Jose Pekerman in the 2014 and 2018 World Cups.  In 2014, in fact, Pekerman led Los Cafeteros to the quarterfinals.  All of that good, philo-Semitic feeling, though, evaporated when the Colombian people saw fit to elect Gustavo Petro, a Marxist, an ex-guerilla, and an inveterate anti-Semite as their president.  Post October 7th, Petro has  proved himself to be one of the most vocal leaders of the international campaign against Israel.  Not only did he cut off diplomatic relations and join the South African genocide case against Israel in the International Court of Justice, but he went even further by calling for the formation of a “powerful army” to liberate Palestine.  Not only that, but at a rally in New York City, Petro called for American soldiers and sailors to revolt against the current American administration.  In a word, Petro is toxic.  The only positive aspect of his reign is that he is limited to a single four-year term–which expires in August.  The first round of the election to replace him saw an even more strident leftist, Ivan Cepeda, garner just over 40% of the vote.  Importantly, though, he failed to gain an outright majority, falling about three percentage points behind right-wing candidate Abelardo de la Espriella.  De la Espriella has announced his intentions to restore diplomatic relations with Israel.  The two will face off in the second round on June 21st.  Barring violence or voter intimidation efforts, De la Espriella looks to have the advantage in the head-to-head contest.  In the meantime, Colombia’s complete boycott of Israeli goods and services will continue.  Buenos suerte flying those Kfirs, lads.

Group L

And finally, dear Reader(s) we have arrived at the letter “L” and the conclusion of our interminable tour through the World Cup groups.  This might be considered some sort of significant achievement, save for the inconvenient fact that the games haven’t even started yet.  Never fear, the efforts of the ZGWC will be unflagging when the action finally commences.

England is the headliner of Group L.  England serves as yet another schizoid country for the ZGWC to analyze, given the gap between the government, officialdom, and elite culture on one hand and the likely plurality of the English people on the other.  The current British government, under the spineless leadership of Labour Prime Minister Keir Starmer, is seemingly incapable of protecting its Jewish community from continual physical and rhetorical assaults from the Islamo-chauvinists and their fellow travelers in English society.  In the face of lethal anti-Semitic violence, the police and their political overlords can merely wring their hands and ponder with looks of profound idiocy what could be the cause of all of these uncomfortable occurrences.  Given this posture, the ZGWC encourages cheering against The Three Lions at every opportunity.  Notwithstanding this sentiment, it should be noted that there is another England, an England of green fields and neat hedgerows which adores the Cross of St. George flag and waves it avidly at English soccer matches.  Elite England, the England of the BBC and Jeremy Corbyn and his ilk, increasingly see the Cross of St. George as a racist symbol.  This group much prefers Hamas and Hezbollah flags to the Union Jack.  Unfortunately for the patriotic English set, they will not have an opportunity to reset their government until the next Parliamentary elections in 2029.  Too late for the 2026 World Cup.

Croatia, a perennial soccer powerhouse, has been a perennial source of cognitive dissonance for the ZGWC.  The kishkes say Croatia was an active participant on the wrong side of the Second World War.  The Croatian Ustaše were bloodthirsty accomplices to the Shoah, and at their camp at Jasenovac, they killed Jews with horrific enthusiasm.  On the other hand, for much of its time as an independent state, Croatia had proved to be a consistent supporter of Israel’s interests in European politics.  Croatia has never recognized a State of Palestine, and Reuven Rivlin once praised Croatia as Israel’s best friend in Europe.  Because of these positives, the ZGWC was compelled to throw down the voice of its kishkes and to support the Checkered Ones over the course of the last several World Cups.  But, that was then…. Current Croatian President Zoran Milanovic not only had a former Ustaše step-grandfather, but also had a Communist father.  Given this heritage, it should be little surprise that Milanovic, a leftist and former Communist in his own stead, has pursued an anti-Israel foreign policy in the wake of October 7th.  Most recently, he has refused to accept the credentials of the would-be Israeli ambassador, causing a serious diplomatic incident.  As a result of Milanovic’s antics, the ZGWC’s cognitive dissonance issues have been resolved.  Head and kishkes are now aligned.  Sorry Luka Modric, but the ZGWC will be sending along its (polite) curses.

Ghana currently has solid relations with Israel, a recent kerfuffle involving the uncivil treatment of some Ghanaian travelers at Ben Gurion notwithstanding.  Ghana did suspend diplomatic relations with Israel from the time of the Yom Kippur War until 2011.  And while Ghana can be counted on to maintain the party line of Third World countries against Israel in international fora, the overall tenor of Israel-Ghana relations is positive.  While none of the current Ghanaian squad spent any time playing in the Israeli league, numerous countrymen have featured in Israel in the past.  In light of this, the Black Stars receive a Pareve + rating from the ZGWC.  Cheer for them against the English and the Croatians without a second thought.

Finally, we have the scrappy Los Canaleros of Panama.  The ZGWC could not ask for a better team to close out these group previews.  Panama not only has an active Jewish community with copious kosher dining options, it also has one of the most pro-Israel foreign policies in the known world.  Panama has always been supportive of Israeli interests and stands as the only country in Latin America which has never recognized the State of Palestine.  In 2012, the UN General Assembly voted overwhelmingly to recognize Palestine as a non-member observer country.  Panama was one of only nine countries to vote against the measure.  There are further examples, but that should suffice for the purposes of who to support in Group L.  Throw in the fact that sometime starting midfielder Cristian Martinez plays for Ironi Kiryat Shmona, and the question is settled.  Go Panama.

And Dear Reader(s), there you have it.  Twelve groups, forty-eight teams, and abundant loathing.  Let the cynical play and tiresome histrionics begin.

BONUS: ZGWC Picks for Days One, Two & Three….

Day One:

Mexico vs. South Africa:  The opening match of the tournament. Root against South Africa. Given that the game will be played in the Azteca amongst tens of thousands of frenzied fans, there’s probably no need to actually cheer for El Tri.

Czechia vs. South Korea:  Cheer for the Czechs and hope they can diversify their attack.

Day Two:

Canada vs. Bosnia and Herzegovina:  Here’s to the hoping (moderately) that the Bosnians ruin the Canadians’ tournament debut.

United States vs. Paraguay:  USA all day, every day. Even on Shabbos.

Day Three:

Switzerland vs. Qatar:  In a word–duh. The worst part of this tie is that because of its Shabbos afternoon timing, the Faithful will not be able to enjoy the efficient Swiss completely dismantle the Qataris.

Brazil vs. Morocco:  A scoreless draw will drive both fan bases insane.

Scotland vs. Haiti:  Haiti will likely be overmatched, but pull for them anyway.

Australia vs. Turkey:  Pull for Australia. A scoreless draw would be option #2.

(Stay tuned to this channel for daily–or nearly daily–updates from the Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup as the competition progresses.)