10 MAGA Tactics That Can End the COVID-19 Pandemic
1. Conspiracy theories. Pssst… Have you heard the morgue, cemetery and funeral industries don’t want you to take the vaccine? Or wear a mask? That’s right — BIG DEATH has it in for you. This is how they make their money: they work together to make sure you eventually die.
2. Advertising. Start small: D-list celebrities on late-night TV hawking masks. Masks specially designed to hide double chins, that actually reduce unwanted chin fat if worn for extended periods of time. Think Melania. Think Ivanka. Masks that get rid of acne or wrinkles as you wear them. Masks that release testosterone. If filtering out potentially fatal disease isn’t good enough, offer a result people are willing to suffer discomfort for — like beauty or virility.
3. Broad vague slogans. Make America Safe Again (MASA). Vaccines uber alles. Build a wall of immunity. Drain the COVID.
4. Competition and branding. Political rivals spar all the time – get tribal instead about WHICH vaccine you take. “I’m a Moderna! I’m a Pfizer!” Think about the merch and swag opportunities. Team Pfizer jerseys. Air Moderna sneakers. With sports curtailed, we get new teams to root for.
5. Sell luxury. Make one random brand, say… AstraZeneca, super expensive and hard to get. Build cult status. Photograph a celebrity or two sneaking out of an AstraZeneca clinic. Have exclusive midnight invite-only vaccine launch parties. People will be getting V-A-C-C-I-N-A-T-E-D manicures, one letter on each finger, in no time. Spread a rumor that the “V” in LV stands for ‘vaccinated’ and people who wear Louis Vuitton have been getting secretly vaccinated from all kinds of things for years. Have celebrities on talk shows say offhandedly “Well, of course, I’m vaccinated, but I don’t know if it’s available for everyone yet”… while casually looping on a diamond studded Gucci mask.
6. Demonize another country. Having a common enemy unites us — it doesn’t matter who. They have our masks and vaccines! They don’t want us to wear masks or take the vaccine! They are trying to buy us, kill us, destroy us — you know the drill. Let’s hate together — it’s who we are.
7. Scapegoat an internal group. Blaming others for taking what’s ‘rightfully ours’ helps our self esteem. Spread the rumor that this group controls vaccine production and vaccination, has infiltrated the dissemination of PPE… and people will race to get the masks and vaccines they deserve. Whose turn is it? Should there be focus groups to choose the best new scapegoat? Just not the Jews! We Jews are always an easy go-to, but that’s getting old. Maybe don’t go ethnic or religious at all – what about the accountants? The weight lifters? Get creative.
8. Raucous Events. We need energetic rallies calling for mandatory mask wearing and for vaccines to be made available to all. Apparently, you can take out ads on Craig’s List and hire people to look like you have a crowd to get this started. Yell and chant and cheer and get rowdy. If the rallies are outside hospitals, they may serve double duty and entertain patients hospitalized alone (well, the ones not on ventilators).
9. Use Big Tech. We need influencers. Infiltrators. Campaigns. Big tech has influenced elections by spreading disinformation – imagine having fringe groups gather to disseminate actual information. V-Anon? The Vaccination Boys? We need herd immunity so don’t be picky: a guy covered in fur and horns? A group that writes V-A-C-I-N-E (spelling doesn’t seem a forte) across their bare buttocks? Fine. It’s time we galvanize the mentally fragile for good, not evil.
10. Empty Promises. Is merely staying alive and keeping each other alive not enough incentive? Then vaguely imply prosperity. An “After the Pandemic” ad campaign showing parties in mansions with gold toilets. Showing soft filtered beautiful people on scenic beaches, masks in hand. ‘Graduation’ ceremonies: pan from vaccine clinics to a ticker counting down to herd immunity to people in gowns throwing their masks into the air victorious as dollar bills and gold coins rain down around them. Keep it nonspecific and aspirational – remember: real hope is good, but false hope sells.