Mort Laitner

A Hypothetical Interview with America’s Riotous Jew

Since my blog entitled, “There ‘s always one of us in every crowd” went viral  (443 shares), some of my readers requested I write a follow-up article about our Jewish revolutionary Aaron.

One fan suggested that I write a hypothetical interview with him.

Who am I to turn down my fan’s requests?

Here it is:

I met Aaron at a Starbucks across the street from a NYC shul. (Aaron requested I not disclose the name of the temple.)

Over coffee and a cheese danish, he answered my questions in a calm, thoughtful manner.

Q. How have you been doing since your arrest?

A. Not that well. I thought 45 was going to grant me an unconditional pardon before he flew to Mar-a-Lago. I’m starting to wonder if he really cares about me. I’ve hired a lawyer and he ain’t cheap. Do you know how much these criminal law attorneys charge by the hour? I don’t think 45 is going to contribute a penny to paying my legal fees. But my attorney thinks he may be able to keep me out of jail because I have a clean record. He says he’s going to subpoena 45 to testify on my behalf. Ya know I would never have charged the Capitol if the President, our commander-in-chief, hadn’t ordered me to do so. Ya know, Trump’s like a messiah to me.

Q, Aaron, I’ve spent a whole lot of time studying your eyes in that photograph of you and the guy carrying the Confederate Flag in the Rotunda. On one hand, you look terrified—like that guy with the flag was going to stick the stars and bars pole four feet up your ass. On the other hand, you looked so stoned, like you hadn’t a clue what you’re doing in the Capitol. Why you were hanging out with all those rednecks. Which was it?

A. Well it’s a combination of all of those factors. I had a drink before the charge on the Capitol. It fortified my courage and kept the experience real. The guy with the flag looked at me as if I was a bit strange or crazy in my getup. But I stood up straight, holding my spear and shield like a gladiator in the Coliseum, like Spartacus. I was at attention, to send him a message. ” Even though I’m a Jew, I’m one of you guys. I’m a soldier in the fight to destroy America and bring about a dictatorship run by our savior, the President.” But I also feared he might be a Jew-hating Kluxer and  bash and club me to death. But like a Spartan, I tightly held my rod of Moses and the police shield just in case I had to fight the guy. I’m so proud of that stick. I hid it under my bed so the cops wouldn’t be able to find it. So on January 5, 2021, I went into the woods in Chevy Chase and selected and cut down a branch from an oak. Then I sliced off the bark with my Bowie knife. I carved one beautiful walking stick.

Q. Aaron, I know your a righteous, orthodox Jew. So did you lay tefillin on the morning of January 6th before the siege? Did you say any Hebrew prayers as you climbed the Capitol steps and charged the Capitol police to bring down the barricades?

A. Sorry sir, that’s none of your f’ing business. Move on to the next question.

I think, “This guy already speaks like 45. He must have watched too many presidential press conferences.”

Q. Okay. Let’s move on. That was a wild costume you wore in the Capitol. Have you been contacted by any companies about making you into an action figure or your getup into a Halloween costume?

A. No and I don’t think you’re funny. I’m knee-deep in some serious crap and you’re making a joke out of it. I could end up in jail.

Q, Where did you get that riot shield and that bulletproof vest.

A. Sorry sir, my attorney has advised me not to talk about the vest and the shield.

Q. Sorry Aaron, but you looked so hilarious in your riot costume. I know one woman who peed in her pants when she saw that picture.  But here is a more serious question. Do you think you’re a role model for Jewish-American kids?

A. No. That’s not my goal. I just want a country where one brilliant man calls all the shots. An honest man that will keep on trying to make America great again. Who will drain the swamp. A man who loves Israel. I want that man and his family to rule America for the next 1,000 years.

Q. One last question Aaron, knowing what you now know, especially since five people died, would you do it over again?

A, Well based on the President dumping me and the rest of his supporters, I would have stayed in New York. That old proverb is so very true. “You can really tell who your friends are during a time of crisis.”

Aaron, thanks for the interview and good luck to you in your upcoming trial.

Thanks Mort and thanks for the coffee and the cheese danish.

About the Author
Florida's Jewish short-story writer, speaker, film producer and retired attorney. He has authored, "A Hebraic Obsession", "The Hanukkah Bunny" and "The Greatest Gift." He produced an award-winning short film entitled, "The Stairs". Movie can be viewed on my TOI blog. ChatGPT says, Mort is known for his works that often explore themes of love, loss, and the human connection. Laitner has published several books , including “A Hebraic Obsession.” His writing style is characterized by its emotional depth and introspection. Laitner’s works have garnered praise for their heartfelt expression and keen insight into the human experience.
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