Bring Your Congregation into the Black Book of Life
Congregations across the United States and around the world are struggling to keep their doors open. Fewer people are becoming members; synagogues and temples are being forced to merge to be financially viable; even twice-a-year Jews are dwindling. Part of this is due to the increase in costs to secure the buildings from mongoloids, but the bulk of it comes down to budgeting and engaging with the modern Jew.
Dealing with change is hard, and relying on lay leaders to act like mature adults running a business, rather than treating their position as a replacement for the lack of control, respect, and power they feel in their outside lives, can be even harder. That is why I, America’s Rebbitzman, am here to help with this first piece with some cost-saving and even money-raising tips to make sure your temple, stieble, schul, or synagogue gets written into the Black Book of Life this year. I know you thought that book was just for people, but thanks to the 2010 US Supreme Court case Citizens United v. the FEC, synagogues are people too!
Over the next few months, I will be providing additional money-saving and money-making tips to help keep those pews filled and in budget, but to start things off, here are two.
Money Saving Tip: Can’tors and Chazznots
A trained, talented clergy member who can cater to the musical and pastoral needs of a congregation is not only a beautiful addition to the religious experience but also acts as a much-needed clergy partner to the Rabbi. For large congregations in particular, Cantors can be a necessity, but they are expensive. Midsize and smaller temples may not have the funds to justify the expense, but that doesn’t make their need any less. This is why I suggest those communities opt to sidestep the traditional cantor or chazzan and go for the much more cost-effective Can’tor or Chazznot.
What is a Can’tor or Chazznot? A Can’tor is someone who can’t really sing as well as someone trained, can’t be there in the same pastoral capacity as a real Cantor, and can’t be expected to do much more than show up for Shabbos services…most of the time. A Chazznot, has not the skills, training, experience, or interest to fulfill the role of a real Chazzan but looks close enough to the part for the trick to work with those who don’t pay too much attention.
The advantages of a Can’tor or Chazznot are that they are significantly more affordable; they don’t have a degree and are incapable of doing much more than holding a tune…for most of the prayer, so they don’t justify the same salary. You pay less, and you get less, but less is better than nothing, right?
However, you must be careful when engaging with a Can’tor, they still see themselves as professional musicians, and that ego can get to their heads. If you start calling them cantor without emphasizing the apostrophe, asking them to do things usually reserved for trained professionals, like officiating funerals or running programming, congregants can forget they are not the real thing. This can negate the cost-effectiveness come contract renegotiation times.
The last thing you want to find yourself doing is paying real Chazzan prices for a Temu Chazzan. You need to really re-evaluate your temple leadership if you ever find yourself in that precarious position!
Money Making Tip: “Nudges”
Christianity in the Middle Ages had a practice called “Indulgences.” With it, you would pay the Church a sum of money, and it would guarantee that you bypass purgatory and go straight to heaven. Friar Tetzel helped raise funds to build St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome with the slogan “As soon as a coin in the coffer rings, a soul from purgatory springs!” Eventually, the practice ended because while it raised money, it also negated the need for any ethical behavior or religious practice, it also directly led to Martin Luther’s Diet of Worms and Protestantism.
Thankfully, as Jews, our entire afterlife theology is murky at best; the original sin fears of hell are non-existent, and your congregation does not need to be St. Peter’s Basilica; it needs to repave the parking lot and get a new dance floor for the social room. This is why I am suggesting we borrow that Indulgences practice with a more Jewish and grounded practice of “Nudges.”
What are “Nudges?” Very simply put, “Nudges” are small donations made to the schul between Rosh Hashanah and Kol Nidre. Each “Nudge” is in the increment of $18. For each “Nudge” purchased, the purchaser can take for themselves or gift to someone else a 15-minute decrease in how long they need to fast that Yom Kippur. Of course, there needs to be limits on how many “Nudges” a person can purchase; there must be some degree of fasting, and we certainly don’t need yet another spin-off sect caused by something like Hersch Dunkelman’s Diet of Muncy. As far as Jewish Protestants go, anyone who has ever been to a State of the Congregation meeting, knows we protest enough about things as it is.
The limits on “Nudges” will be based on the financial needs of the congregation and Rabbinic approval. All “Nudges” will be recorded in a book and given to an appointed Usher tasked with standing at the entrance to the social hall. That usher will also receive a golden watch, with which to ensure proper times are kept. When the appropriate time comes, a holder of a ‘Nudge” or “Nudgie” will approach the usher and give them their name. That name will be cross-referenced in the “Book of Nudgies,” the time will be checked on the golden watch, and the individual will be let in to partake in the traditional apple juice and bar of Elite Chocolate.
Incidentally, this is a widely popular B’Mitzvah gift. Depending on the size of the b’mitzvah class in a given year, that alone could pay for a new set of siddurim that no longer references Soviet Jewry as an active concern.
More money-saving and money-making tips from America’s Rebbitzman are coming soon, so stay tuned!
