Corona laughters, Israel edition

Included: a brand-new happily stay home song!

Included: A brand new happily stay home song!

There was an idea to add an extra Adar to have Pesach a month later. This should be declared the latest this Wednesday, before the Month of Nissan.

The Israeli Supreme Court rejected to rule that. It was too long for April 1.

***

Seriously, there is little attention for families that have someone in corona isolation in the home. They are finishing all matzos because it’s the only food they manage to shove under the door. Soon it’s Pesach, and what will they eat then? Some Ashkenazics suggest: potatoes.

***

There was an idea to postpone Daylight Savings Time to not entice people to stroll outside when it’s light out there still so late. But, that could have worked if we had DST already, but we ran out of time preparing for it.

Especially, how does one reset so quickly all computers and cell phones to switch to DST at another date? I don’t think that was the problem since they all reset the clock in Israel at least four times a year anyway.

Besides, now no-one goes to work anymore, there is no ‘extra time after finishing work.’ We can live like the roosters who wake up at 4 AM by the sun rays, have a really long day and be happy to eat at 6 PM and sleep at 8.

***

There is word that the coronavirus pandemic has prompted Divine Thoughts of postponing Passover until after the Festival of Booths. Yet, some object that it should be held in Spring. It says so in the Torah.

There is an easy solution. After the Festival of Booths, we’d slaughter the Passover lamb in Jerusalem on the Eve of our new Passover date. And then quickly, we fly to Australia, to celebrate the week of Passover in Spring as it’s spring season then there. The Lord thinks of everything.

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Meanwhile, one reporter had to retract her comment that science, not prayers to a deity, will solve the COVID-19 pandemic.

She was completely misunderstood as she only wanted to give God a break. I applaud the empathy!

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Scientists — you know, those who are supposed to save us — may Heaven help — (you don’t make this up) are suggesting to use bats to fight crops-hurting insects.

Just what we need: flying animals that spread coronavirus everywhere.

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In all the panic, it gets insufficient attention that scientists and labs around the world are racing to find a cure and a vaccine against the novel virus. In fact, 69 drugs are considered at the moment.

So far, all of them have a problem: there is no clue they would work.

***

Talking of work, so far, 16 suicide bombers have applied for unemployment benefits. With the social distancing and lockdown orders, they had no choice but to close shop. Disturbing.

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Talking of the Peace Process, the leaders of Iran, Hezbollah and Hamas have now jointly declared that they are willing to meet Netanyahu without preconditions anywhere he wants. Netanyahu has declined.

The left and Peace Now have announced a big demonstration in Tel Aviv next week Wednesday. They call it irresponsible and isolationist not to grab the outstretched hand. So fat, Bibi has refused to comment.

***

Just imagine. A million Gazans start running toward the Gaza Envelope, yelling Shalom, shalom! They smile broadly and throw more blessings onto the stunned Israelis they meet. They say: “We had to escape the corona dangers. The regime only takes care of its own. And we love you a lot already for years. And we want to become Jews.”

And so it went. After the conversion, they stormed one time more in opposite direction and liberated Gaza from its oppressors. Even Jared Kushner had not foreseen this.

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When all is over and done, we can turn all concert halls and theatres into housing units, we now know:

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Meanwhile, Physicians do their best not to get infected at work because when they are out, who would treat the sick?

One patient remarked that she values her doctor but that it’s nice, for a change, to see the doctors more scared or concerned than the patients. Over the years, we’ve suffered a lot, she added.

***

One recovered patient told the media (true story) that it was a very cozy two weeks with the other infected in the isolation ward of the hospital. But now that she’s free of the virus, she’s happy to go home to a normal life. No-one told her that now she’ll be under house arrest?

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A sense of humor has worn a bit thin here and there. A 25-year-old has impersonated a Health Ministry employee and ordered many people to go into isolation. True story. He’s placed under restrictive conditions.

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Some now doubt the traditional clarification of Deuteronomy 30:19, You shall choose life. They take it as: Choose to go live (on Zoom).

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Do you know what strikes me? Everybody loves vacations, going to lands far away beyond the horizon with unknown adventures. And no-one believes in Hell anymore. And still, no-one wants to die. Strange.

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1940. Japan was to host the Olympics. Global war. Nixed. 2020. The Land of the Rising Sun was to host the Olympics. Global war on virus. Don’t organizers learn history? Postponed to 2021. An Olympic record.

***

The Dutch Minister of Health has collapsed in Parliament answering corona questions. True story. Burnout. No laughing matter. Almost.

***

Isn’t it ironic? Normally, when economists say that the economy is great, all the rich people make lots of money off the poorer ones. But now, we all sit at home, spend nothing of our money but on some food, our bank accounts are bulging while the economists say that the economy is hard-hit. (People who lost their jobs will find new ones.)

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This too will pass. But not before Passover.

***

Why do people get so angry about the small number of people who disobey social distancing instructions? Do they also get furious about people endangering themselves by smoking? Just stay inside and it’s not your problem. Just as with safe sex. You do it and you’ll be safe.

Or is it that secretly, these hotheads would also want to be out and about? They are staying home but not from the fullness of their hearts!

Where is the popular singer who composes and sings an iconic ‘I love to stay home’ song like ‘Jerusalem of Gold’ when we liberated Jerusalem?

I wrote something. My friend Aylam Bar Shalom put it to music:

I love to stay home,
I love to stay home,
I was here yesterday,
And I know I will stay.

Together with all,
Together with all,
On Skype, Zoom, and FaceTime
Together will all.

I see an old movie,
With a hug and kiss.
I want to shout: Don’t!
Do what I so miss.

And also old clips,
Of flash mobs out,
But soon is that day,
Being out and about.

I love to stay home,
I love to stay home,
I was here yesterday,
And I know I will stay.

Together with all,
Together with all,
On Skype, Zoom, and FaceTime
Together will all.

Remote is the learning,
Remote is the job,
I even called a therapist,
Remote was the sob.

Family bonding,
With lots of time outs,
Virtual friends, without
Any whereabouts.

I love to stay home,
I love to stay home,
I was here yesterday,
And I know I will stay.

Together with all,
Together with all,
On Skype, Zoom, and FaceTime
Together will all.

So many problems,
That I cannot solve.
No use still to worry,
We’ll live on resolve.

I’m looking forward,
As to a surprise,
To olden times,
And pies in the skies.

I love to stay home,
I love to stay home,
I was here yesterday,
And I know I will stay.

Together with all,
Together with all,
On Skype, Zoom, and FaceTime
Together will all.

On Skype, Zoom, and FaceTime
Together will all.

***

Those who leave Adar, ALSO enlarge happiness.
When it’s hard to be even more happy, make more others happier!
Happiness is not an optional embellishment but rather essential.
Chodesh tov vesameiach, Pesach sameiach vekasher, Shanah tovah!

About the Author

MM is a prolific and creative writer and thinker, previously a daily blog contributor to the TOI. He often makes his readers laugh, mad, or assume he's nuts—close to perfect blogging. He's proud that his analytical short comments are removed both from left-wing and right-wing news sites. None of his content is generated by the new bore on the block, AI. * As a frontier thinker, he sees things many don't yet. He's half a prophet. Half. Let's not exaggerate. Or not at all because he doesn't claim G^d talks to him. He gives him good ideas—that's all. MM doesn't believe that people observe and think in a vacuum. He, therefore, wanted a broad bio that readers interested can track a bit what (lack of) backgrounds, experiences, and educations contribute to his visions. * This year, he will prioritize getting his unpublished books published rather than just blog posts. Next year, he hopes to focus on activism against human extinction. To find less-recent posts on a subject XXX among his over 2000 archived ones, go to the right-top corner of a Times of Israel page, click on the search icon and search "zuiden, XXX". One can find a second, wilder blog, to which one may subscribe too, here: https://mmvanzuiden.wordpress.com/ or by clicking on the globe icon next to his picture on top. * Like most of his readers, he believes in being friendly, respectful, and loyal. However, if you think those are his absolute top priorities, you might end up disappointed. His first loyalty is to the truth. He will try to stay within the limits of democratic and Jewish law, but he won't lie to support opinions or people when don't deserve that. (Yet, we all make honest mistakes, which is just fine and does not justify losing support.) He admits that he sometimes exaggerates to make a point, which could have him come across as nasty, while in actuality, he's quite a lovely person to interact with. He holds - how Dutch - that a strong opinion doesn't imply intolerance of other views. * Sometimes he's misunderstood because his wide and diverse field of vision seldomly fits any specialist's box. But that's exactly what some love about him. He has written a lot about Psychology (including Sexuality and Abuse), Medicine (including physical immortality), Science (including basic statistics), Politics (Israel, the US, and the Netherlands, Activism - more than leftwing or rightwing, he hopes to highlight reality), Oppression and Liberation (intersectionally, for young people, the elderly, non-Whites, women, workers, Jews, LGBTQIA+, foreigners and anyone else who's dehumanized or exploited), Integrity, Philosophy, Jews (Judaism, Zionism, Holocaust and Jewish Liberation), the Climate Crisis, Ecology and Veganism, Affairs from the news, or the Torah Portion of the Week, or new insights that suddenly befell him. * Chronologically, his most influential teachers are his parents, Nico (natan) van Zuiden and Betty (beisye) Nieweg, Wim Kan, Mozart, Harvey Jackins, Marshal Rosenberg, Reb Shlomo Carlebach, and, lehavdil bein chayim lechayim, Rabbi Dr. Natan Lopes Cardozo, Rav Zev Leff, and Rav Meir Lubin. This short list doesn't mean to disrespect others who taught him a lot or a little. One of his rabbis calls him Mr. Innovation [Ish haChidushim]. Yet, his originalities seem to root deeply in traditional Judaism, though they may grow in unexpected directions. In fact, he claims he's modernizing nothing. Rather, mainly basing himself on the basic Hebrew Torah text, he tries to rediscover classical Jewish thought almost lost in thousands of years of stifling Gentile domination and Jewish assimilation. (He pleads for a close reading of the Torah instead of going by rough assumptions of what it would probably mean and before fleeing to Commentaries.) This, in all aspects of life, but prominently in the areas of Free Will, Activism, Homosexuality for men, and Redemption. * He hopes that his words will inspire and inform, and disturb the comfortable and comfort the disturbed. He aims to bring a fresh perspective rather than harp on the obvious and familiar. When he can, he loves to write encyclopedic overviews. He doesn't expect his readers to agree. Rather, original minds should be disputed. In short, his main political positions are among others: anti-Trumpism, for Zionism, Intersectionality, non-violence, anti those who abuse democratic liberties, anti the fake ME peace process, for original-Orthodoxy, pro-Science, pro-Free Will, anti-blaming-the-victim, and for down-to-earth, classical optimism, and happiness. Read his blog on how he attempts to bridge any tensions between those ideas or fields. * He is a fetal survivor of the pharmaceutical industry (https://diethylstilbestrol.co.uk/studies/des-and-psychological-health/), born in 1953 to his parents who were Dutch-Jewish Holocaust survivors who met in the largest concentration camp in the Netherlands, Westerbork. He grew up a humble listener. It took him decades to become a speaker too, and decades more to admit to being a genius. But his humility was his to keep. And so was his honesty. Bullies and con artists almost instantaneously envy and hate him. He hopes to bring new things and not just preach to the choir. * He holds a BA in medicine (University of Amsterdam) – is half a doctor. He practices Re-evaluation Co-counseling since 1977, is not an official teacher anymore, and became a friendly, powerful therapist. He became a social activist, became religious, made Aliyah, and raised three wonderful kids. Previously, for decades, he was known to the Jerusalem Post readers as a frequent letter writer. For a couple of years, he was active in hasbara to the Dutch-speaking public. He wrote an unpublished tome about Jewish Free Will. He's a strict vegan since 2008. He's an Orthodox Jew but not a rabbi. * His writing has been made possible by an allowance for second-generation Holocaust survivors from the Netherlands. It has been his dream since he was 38 to try to make a difference by teaching through writing. He had three times 9-out-of-10 for Dutch at his high school finals but is spending his days communicating in English and Hebrew - how ironic. G-d must have a fine sense of humor. In case you wonder - yes, he is a bit dyslectic. If you're a native English speaker and wonder why you should read from people whose English is only their second language, consider the advantage of having an original peek outside of your cultural bubble. * To send any personal reaction to him, scroll to the top of the blog post and click Contact Me. * His newest books you may find here: https://www.amazon.com/s?i=stripbooks&rh=p_27%3AMoshe-Mordechai%2FMaurits+van+Zuiden&s=relevancerank&text=Moshe-Mordechai%2FMaurits+van+Zuiden&ref=dp_byline_sr_book_1