Dear Gap-year boys and girls: We’re tired

You know there’s a problem when your American-born child says, “Please Imma, no more American guests staying over!” We had yet another entitled, careless, snobby, rude guest. While we enjoy hosting over Shabbat and holidays, the behavior from American seminary (“sem”) girls and yeshiva boys can be simply atrocious.

These aren’t isolated incidents; they happen almost every time, and never with Israelis or Europeans — only Americans. We are American ourselves, so this is especially disappointing.

Throughout our 20 years in Israel, there has been quite a lot of talk about this issue in Anglo communities. That talk has increased so much that it’s practically a chorus. Maybe it’s time to speak about it openly.

The 5 types of guests

Over time, I’ve noticed that the sem and yeshiva crowd typically falls into one of the following five groups:

His Royal Highness 

He joins us at the table and waits to be served. Like a king with a staff of servants, he sits silently and watches while others set up for the meal or clean up afterwards. He doesn’t offer to help with anything. If I ask and practically spoon-feed him instructions, he might do it, but then he goes right back to what he was doing before — nothing.

Condescending Kayla (no offense to anyone who is actually named Kayla)

She spends the whole time talking about how great America is and how backwards Israel is, uttering nonsense like, “Omigod, how do you live without Uber Eats?” and “Wow, you have payment apps in Israel, too?” She complains about the most minor inconveniences, rudely mocks Israeli social norms, knows little about anything of substance, and can name the five most popular TikTok stars. 

My personal favorite was the guest who became friendly with one of my girls over Shabbat, so they went to the mall afterwards, where she introduced my daughter to the joys of shoplifting. Every parent’s dream. 

The Hotel Guests 

They arrive 10 minutes before Shabbat, mumbling “Can we help with anything?” as they walk to their room without waiting for a response, not to be seen until two seconds before candlelighting. After dinner, they go back to their room.

Sometimes they ask to be woken up in the morning for shul, like a hotel wakeup call. They show up for lunch, then it’s back to sleep again. Like a groundhog before spring, they pop in just before havdala, mutter a quick “Thanks,” and practically run to the bus stop to head back to yeshiva.

The Overstaying Guests ⌚

She brings a friend for Shabbat. They keep to themselves. During meals, they only speak to each other and don’t communicate with anyone else. If we try to engage them in conversation, they quickly answer a question or reply to a comment and then return to their private chat as if nothing happened. I once had a guest who sighed loudly when one of my kids asked her something. Sorry for interrupting you, ladies. 

After Shabbat, they return to their room and emerge again late Sunday morning. They mosey on into the kitchen expecting breakfast and chauffeur service to wherever they need to go. They seem surprised that kids have gone back to school, parents have gone to work, and life has returned to normal.

The No-Show ❓

He asks to bring a few friends, one of whom has an obscure food sensitivity, like he’s allergic to salt or something. I prepare a few things in advance to make sure our guests will be comfortable.

It’s a half-hour before Shabbat, and they haven’t arrived yet. “Okay,” I think to myself. “Maybe the bus came late.” Then it’s 15 minutes before lighting, then 10 minutes…. Then one minute before Shabbat, my phone rings. “Plans changed, so we aren’t coming. Thanks, anyway.” Click. 

Well, at least we can use salt again. Sometimes, they completely no-show and we never even get a courtesy call. That’s always fun.

Playing the blame game

Many folks blame their parents.

I often hear comments like “What kind of parents raised these obnoxious kids?” Come on. The fact is, if these young people are old enough to travel halfway around the world, then they are old enough to behave with courtesy and respect.

Not everything can — or should — be blamed on their parents. Do most 18- and 19-year-olds really not know how to say “Please,” “Thank you,” or “Excuse me,” without Mommy and Daddy reminding them?

While perhaps some parents haven’t done the best job instilling a sense of responsibility, self-awareness, or good manners in their kids, I like to think they’re in the minority. I prefer to assume that most were raised right.

Others claim it’s a societal problem, that we have lost a sense of common decency. Still others like to blame social media, as if Instagram is the cause of poor behavior. Or a broken educational system that prioritizes grades over gratitude. Personally, I don’t subscribe to those theories. I believe people are responsible for their own behaviors, their own choices.

The root of the broken system

What about the seminaries and yeshivas? What about the people who run them?

Parents pay a fortune for their kids to spend a year in Israel. Are there really no plans in place for Shabbat and holidays? I know for a fact that some really do not have arrangements, and they don’t necessarily let the kids stay in the dorms, either, so the students have to go somewhere. Not every young man or woman knows families to stay with or is comfortable going to people whom they don’t know.

It’s a broken system.

A persistent problem

A growing number of yeshivas and seminaries are having a hard time placing their students with families for Shabbat and holidays. Gee, I wonder why.

I know quite a few people who have asked to be taken off of hosting lists for the reasons I mentioned above. Unless something changes, I predict that this problem will continue.

How to be a good guest

When this subject comes up in a Facebook group or face-to-face chat, someone inevitably asks what guests should know ahead of time.

It astounds me that this is even a question, but I’ll share my tips for being a good guest:

1. Be gracious and polite. 
2. Use good manners. Say please and thank you.
3. Offer to help, such as setting or clearing up, bringing food to the table, sweeping the floor, etc. Clean up after yourself.
4. Don’t treat your hosts like a hotel. Don’t hide up in your room and only come down for meals, but get to know us a little. In essence, be a nice, pleasant person.
5. Interact with us at the table, such as asking where we’re from originally, why we made aliyah, what kind of music we like, or what we do professionally — and please don’t assume only my husband works; I also have a career. Basically, engage us in conversation, just as we do with you.
6. Arrive early enough without being in the way, but not too close to Shabbat, either. Not sure when is a good time? Just ask. We appreciate this.
7. Most Israeli homes don’t have spare guest rooms. If you’re staying with a family, it’s likely that one of their kids has moved into a sibling’s room to make space for you.
8. If you notice Israeli customs that are different from what you’re used to, ask. Curiosity is welcome. Mockery and rudeness are not.

Being a good guest isn’t hard. People will gladly invite you back if you’re pleasant to be around. Until then, best of luck finding accommodations. 

So, my dear American sem girls and yeshiva boys, they say “It’s not you, it’s me.” After decades of hosting you all, we are done, and this time, it’s most definitely you.

Shabbat Shalom.