DeSantis Threatens To Fly US Southern Border Asylum Seekers To Israel—Satire

Dateline: Tallahassee, Florida—September 27, 2022

From the pages of the Miami Herald

At a press conference held at the governor’s mansion, Florida’s Republican Governor Ron DeSantis threatened Democratic officials with flying refugees—who have been given sanctuary in Texas—to Israel if his demands were not met.

DeSantis threatened, “Unless Attorney General Merritt Garland and President Joe Biden take me seriously, I’m going to make their lives miserable. So miserable that they are going to wish they were aboard those planes to Ben Gurion Airport. They’re  going to have agree to the following terms and conditions or refugee flights to Israel shall commence next week and shall be continuous until our conditions are met

The Governor said, “I have laid out those demands in my press release which my aides are handing out.”

The handout read:

1. The Attorney General must agree, in writing, that he shall not prosecute President Donald Trump for sedition, espionage, destruction of top secret documents, selling top secret documents to America’s enemies, theft of U.S. property, obstruction of justice, obstructing official proceedings, conspiracy to defraud the United States, election tampering, wire fraud or any other criminal acts and issue him, for all of the above crimes, a  full pardon;
2. The U.S. Southern borders shall be closed to all non U.S. citizens;
3. The “Trump Wall” will be extended across our southwest border with Mexico and Mexico shall pay for the fence;
4. Any migrants that have arrived in Texas or Florida in the last 60 days shall be rounded up by Homeland Security and transported to Northern states.

The Florida Governor added, “I don’t care that the Florida taxpayers will be paying over $1,000 per passenger to fly these refugees to Israel. Anyway, since we’re sending bulks of people, we should get a huge discount.

The taxpayers will save millions of dollars in the long run.”

The governor was asked, “Why Israel and not another country?

They owe us big time—the Golan Heights, Jerusalem as the capital, the Abraham Accords. How can they refuse to do us this small favor?

He added, “Israel is a loving country. A country with a lot of jobs. A country built by refugees. They have the expertise on how to make these aliens into good citizens.”

“How are you going to convince these refugees to get on a plane to Israel?“

“We’ll just tell them that they’re going to Martha’s Vineyard, where good jobs and good housing await them. And when they’re in the air, we’ll advise them of our change of plans. We’ll tell them, ‘By ending up in Israel they’ve hit the jackpot.'”

When asked, “How do you think this will affect Republican Jewish voters in your state in your upcoming gubernatorial election against Charlie Crist?

The Governor replied, “I have be assured by President Trump not to worry about that issue. These are his words verbatim, ‘Jewish Republican voters are morons. Don’t worry about them. They are not known for their yiddisheh kups. I could tell them to take off their clothes and walk into the showers; they’d do it. They voted for me; they’ll vote for you.'”

When asked what he thought the Israeli government may do upon the arrival of these refugees in Israel, the Governor said, “I have instructed our agents in Texas to give all men headed for Ben Gurion Airport: yarmulkes, tefillin, a tallis and a siddurs written in Hebrew and Spanish. During their flight they shall also be given cassette players and language tapes so they can learn rudimentary Hebrew.

As they exit a El Al’s Boeing 747, these male refugees will look as Jewish as if they came out of  Williamsburg. And they’ll greet all Israeli’s with a hearty ‘Shalom.’

The men will look like rebbes.

And the women will be given with wigs and blue and white magen David necklaces, or hamsas on gold chains or 14k yellow gold Chai pendants. Their disguises will be made even better as they wave small Israeli flags on the tarmac. You’d think they were a bunch of rebbetzin.”

Israel’s Prime Minister Yair Lapid  commented after the press conference, “I find Governor DeSantis threats appalling and my government will address the problem when the refugees start to arrive in Israel. The people of Israel do not appreciate Governor Desantis’ stunt. We hope he is just kidding.”

Former Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu stated, “I am personally going to call Governor DeSantis and former President Trump and try to convince them to change their minds on this cockamamie or meshuga idea.”

Toward the end of the Governor’s press conference, DeSantis was asked, if after this blackmail stunt, whether he or the Republican party understood that the constant moving of political goal posts could end democracy in America, he replied, “Even before President Trump came to power, we had decided that the goal posts no longer exist. Only the Democrats play by that old set of rules.”

The Governor finished the press conference by adding, “I hope the President and the Attorney General take my demands seriously. We shall see. We shall see.”