Eighteen Not-So-Serious Questions About the Meaning of Life in Israel

“Are the parrots that hang out on a tree in front of my apartment indigenous to Israel, or are they colonizers?”

I listen to far too many news and politics podcasts—Haviv Redig Gur, Dan Senor, the Times of Israel’s Daily Briefing, A Mandatory Listen, Lazer Focus. Many more. Then there are the Torah-related ones, including those by Rabbis Joey Rosenfeld and Yitzchak Breitowitz. I’m just a Jew living in Israel, trying to learn. But they’re all so serious, and as my stateside son has pointed out to me on numerous occasions, it’s affected my writing. I’m too serious. “Lighten up,” he told me.

He’s right.

But I must also admit that, in my quest for enlightenment, none of the podcasts I follow have addressed the not-so-serious questions I have, which I consider as important as the serious ones. I mean, like I’ve only been living in Israel for fifteen months. I’m still trying to figure out this place–and the meaning of life.

Don’t get me wrong. I wake up every day, grateful to be living in the promised land. But I have a lot of questions, and I don’t think I’m alone. For instance:

1. Is it time to turn on the dud for hot water when I shower, or, out of principle, do I wait until it gets really cold outside?
2. Do I scrub the pigeon poop off my terrace, or wait for the rainy season to take care of it?
3. Why is there a constant cottage cheese shortage in Israel? Why is cottage cheese better in Israel than in the States (not that I’m complaining)? And why does it come in such small cups? 
4. What’s the difference between challah flour and bread flour? What? Challah isn’t bread?

5. What are those ugly-looking Israeli fruits I see at the local market, and how much does a pineapple really cost?

6. Do I sign up for yet another Ulpan course after dropping out twice?

7. Who really is Bibi Netanyahu?

8. Why are Israeli Post Offices located in hidden places, and how come no one ever sees a letter carrier from the Post Office?

9. Why do we allow Chinese cars in Israel when we know they’re spying on us?

10. Should I finally buy a pair of Blundstones?

11. Are the parrots that hang out on a tree in front of my apartment indigenous to Israel, or are they colonizers?

12. Am I still a colonizer if I rented rather than bought an apartment in Jerusalem after making Aliyah?

13. Does anyone actually like Amba?
14. Who is Wolt?
15. Why is the guest responsible for tipping the waiter or waitress at Israeli weddings and Bar/Bat Mitzvahs?
16. Why aren’t there any affordable day-use Hamams in the Jewish part of Jerusalem?
17. Who does the Chabad house in Jerusalem’s Haredi neighborhood of Mea She’arim direct its outreach to?
18. When will Israel Railways have Wifi?

If you can help me out with answers, I’d really appreciate it, because there’s so much meaning to life here in Israel, and I want to know it all. Besides, we’re a funny country.