Fly On The Wall

Washington, D.C. (SA)  After my column a couple weeks ago, one of my many “fans” told me, “shame on you,” because I articulated my support for Israel during these difficult times, and my being a “prominent Jewish individual” I should know better than, in his mind, to spread hate.  Sheesh.

My prominence was news to me, but someone in the Obama administration must have read that and thought I was more important than I really was, and not just in my mind.  In any event, I was invited to be present at the private White House meeting today between President Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.

Needless to say I was very excited. But there were rules.  I had to be extremely quiet, not even greeting the PM, and if anyone even heard me breathe I would be escorted out of the Oval Office.  I would be allowed to take notes and even record the conversation, which was more than fair.  Well, I accepted the invite of course.

I was already seated with several other “prominents,” mostly from MSNBC and NPR, when the PM and his people entered the Oval. (Big shots like me can call it “the Oval.”)

I will do my best to impart to you what took place.  Here goes:

White House Secretary: Mr. President, the Prime Minister of Israel.

President Obama: Thanks. Hey there, Chickes**t.

Prime Minister Netanyahu: How goes, anti-Semite.

Obama: You know John and Ash.

Netanyahu: Yes.  Hi all. You know Moshe.  And this is my new communications director, Ran Baratz.

Secretary of State John Kerry: Hey, aren’t you the guy who said a year ago that I had the mental capacity of a 12-year-old?

Communications Director Ran Baratz: Yes, but that was a compliment.

Kerry: How so?

Baratz: Because the year before I said you had the mental capacity of a 9-year-old, so you have progressed even faster than I thought you would.

Kerry: Oh, good. Thanks, I appreciate that.

Obama: OK everyone, let’s get started.  Bubby, you and your people can have a seat on the sofa.

Netanyahu: Thanks, and it’s Bibi.  Hey, are these Skittles for everyone?

Obama: Well, actually they are for my kids.

Netanyahu: Thanks, I think I will.

And this was the Obama-Netanyahu exchange:

“OK, let’s go over the issues.  I am so sorry about all those stabbings of folks, Bibibibi.  And you certainly have the right to defend yourselves.”  “Thanks.  And those folks are Jews and being targeted because they are Jews.  And it’s just Bibi.  One Bibi.”  “OK.  But hey, Birdie, can’t you defend yourselves a little less.  I mean do you have to kill the terrorists?  Can’t you like, shoot them in the hand as they are lunging at you?  What you are doing is so disproportionate.”  “It’s Bibi, not Birdie.  And you are joking, right Barack?  Can I call you Barack?”

“No, you can’t, and no, I’m not joking.  John here is also a bit concerned about your methods.  And the Temple Mount thing.  Can’t you just stay away from there?”  “Should we tell Christians to stay away from the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, too, Barkbark?”  “As a matter of fact, yes.  Please do that.  And it’s Barack.”  “But -“

“Next issue.  Listen, Justin Bieber, I need you to reiterate that two-state solution thing.  Will you do that for me?”  “Of course.  And it’s Bibi.  How much longer are you president again?”

“Next, Benny.  Boy, that Russian plane thing.  Sucks, huh?”  “So what are you going to do about those ISIS crazies, Barry?”  “Who?”   “ISIS, Marak.  The terrorist group you called a Junior Varsity team.”  “I never called them that, Beebs.  And it’s Barack.”  “Yes you did.  And it’s Bibi.”  “No, Babalu. I called ISIL a JV team, not ISIS.”  “But they are the same thing, Barcalounger.  And it’s Bibi.”  “No they’re not. And it’s Barack.”  “Sure they are.”  “OK, maybe.”

“And tell me, Mr. President, why do you call them ISIL when nearly everyone else in the Western world calls them ISIS?”  “So I can say, I never said ISIS was a JV team.  Now what’s it your business what ISIS, I mean ISIL, does anyway, Aunt Bee?”

“Well, those terrorists are getting closer to our northern border, and now you can see with that Russian plane being shot down over Sinai, they are very close to our southern border.  We have enough tzoris. And you don’t want us to take unilateral action with anything that threatens us.  And it’s Bibi.”

“Well, Bubele, as you know, I sent some Special Forces guys to Syria.”  “It’s Bibi, and you sent less than fifty.  That’s not even a pinprick.”  “It will be fine.  I have asked that weakling Putin to do something if he is going to be hitting ISIL’s base in Syria anyway.  Oh, and ever since that Iran deal, the Ayatollahs say they will help us with ISIL.”

“I wanted to get to Iran.”  “Damn, I figured you would.  Booboo, can’t you stop worrying about the Iranians?”  “It’s Bibi, and you say the Ayatollahs will help?  Are you kidding?  You are asking the Iranians who even Kerry here admits are the world’s biggest sponsor of terrorism to help keep terrorists at bay?  Maybe, Berekas, you can tell the Iranians to stop helping Hamas and Hezbollah.  How about doing that?”  “Look, Bibu.  Ever since that nuclear deal, the Iranians have been great.  So far, not a single Iranian nuclear weapon has been detonated anywhere.  And its Barack.”

“It’s Bibi.  They have been great?  Are you kidding me?  In just the three months since the deal, the Iranians have taken two more American hostages, they have violated UN resolutions by illegally testing a ballistic missile and allowing that guy who has helped kill Americans, General Soleimani, to travel back and forth to Russia to talk about God knows what, they have cyber-attacked your government agencies, and Ash’s Iranian counterpart threatened him after Ash said Iran continues to be a problem all over the Mideast with their destabilizing activities.  I can go on if you want, Bupkis-face.”

“OK, OK, yes, all that is true.  But have they detonated a nuclear weapon?  Have they?  And it’s Barack.”

“Of course they haven’t, Barbarino, it’s too early, but even the deal allows them to get that capability within 10 years or so.”  “It’s Barack, Bubble-head.  And I will be out of office by that time with my second Nobel Peace Prize and my peace-making legacy, so I don’t care.” “But we are stuck in that neighborhood.  Iran wants us dead.  And it’s Bibi.” “Hey, Jujubi, what part of ‘I don’t care’ don’t you get?”  “But Iran wants you dead too, Bareback!  And it’s Bibi.”  “Did I stutter, Baby?  I… DON’T… CARE.  And it’s Barack!”  “You know what, forget it, we will do what we need to do.  And it’s Bibi!”

“Whatever.”  “Whatever.”

After those pleasantries, the conversation turned to defense-related cooperation issues and the wall flies were escorted out.

That was fun.  I like being prominent.

About the Author
Shia Altman who hails from Baltimore, MD, now lives in Los Angeles. His Jewish studies, aerospace, and business and marketing background includes a BA from the University of Maryland and an MBA from the University of Baltimore. When not dabbling in Internet Marketing, Shia tutors Bar and Bat Mitzvah, and Judaic and Biblical Studies to both young and old.
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