George Santos’ Mea Culpa (Satire)

The United States Capitol Building

Washington D.C.

January 3, 2023

Standing before a gaggle of journalists, Congressman George Santos gave the following speech:

Good afternoon. Thanks for being here. This afternoon at 12:00 pm, I raised my right hand and swore to G-d that I will faithfully discharge my duties as a US congressman.

So as my first official act as a US Congressman, I have prepared my mea culpa.

I acknowledge that I have made false and misleading claims through my own fault. Therefore, I beat my breast.

I acknowledge that I made a number of very bad mistakes through my own fault. Therefore, I beat my breast.

So today, I confess all of my political sins and before all of you, I beat my breast.

For I know the American people are the most loving and forgiving people on earth.

And I beg G-d, my Catholic Church and the American people to open their hearts and forgive me for my sins as I beg for a second chance.

G-d knows that we are all sinners.

Most of you know that my name “Santos” translates in English to “saints.” And I know that I have not been  a saint in my quest for poltical office. But today, I turn away from the Devil’s fingers and move toward the hands of the Almighty.

And as a sinner, I needed counsel. So I met with a priest, a minister, a rabbi, and an imam to learn about repentance and contrition.  I also opened my Bible, the one autographed by President Trump and I studied the Lord’s word.

And through my studies, I learned that saying, “sorry” wasn’t enough.

I had to make a decision to turn away from where I was headed and move back toward G-d. In Hebrew that decision-making process is called, “teshuvah.”

So in my attempt to do teshuvah, I am taking the following steps:

  1. From this day forward, I promise to stop lying;
  2. I promise to stop lying about my dearly departed mother and the rest of my family;
  3. I promise to amend all my government documents which contain falsehoods;
  4. Since I lied about graduating from Baruch College, I promise to climb all the steps to the top of the Baruch’s Lawerence Building on my knees. Further, I shall volunteer to teach ethics in the Zicklin School of Business;
  5. I promise to donate my entire collection of fraudulent campaign materials and paraphernalia to The Donald J. Trump Presidential Library located at Mar-a-Lago. These materials shall be housed in the “Embellishment Room”, which is located right next the “Locker Room Banter” area. My collection shall serve students of American history by teaching them how not to follow in my abhorrent footsteps;
  6. I promise to donate all of my congressional salary to the Republican party or to pay for my legal expenses;
  7. As an act of atonement, I promise to give tzedakah every time I see a pushka (coin box);
  8. Since I lied about working at Goldman Sacks and Citigroup, I promise to work “for free” at either financial institution the next time their employees are caught mishandling or misappropriating client funds. In addition, I will offer both companies a course on how to catch dishonest employees in the workplace;
  9. For having offended America’s Jewish community by claiming that my family fled the Shoah, I promise to visit the Holocaust Museum in DC at least once a week for the next year, to sweep its floors and hand out educational materials;
  10. I promise to conduct congressional hearings to examine the goals and behavior of  Kanye West, Nick Fuentes and their neo-Nazi brethren;
  11. I promise that once a week, I will read Torah and study the Talmud;
  12. I promise never to use the term Jew-ish again;
  13. I promise that once a week, I will order from a kosher deli, an assortment of bagels, nova, cream cheese for my congressional staff luncheon;
  14. I promise to learn  a bissel Yiddish so I can better communicate with my older Jewish constituents;
  15. Every Hanukkah, I promise to light a Hanukkiah in my congressional office;
  16. I promise to rewatch “Fiddler” for the 10th time;
  17. For claiming, “I am a proud American Jew” I promise to wear a kippah and tzitzit for my first two years in Congress;
  18. For claiming I made many visits to the Holy Land, I promise at the end of my term to move to Israel, make aliyah, join the IDF and fight in Israel’s next war;
  19. I promise to lead a Republican Congressional delegation to Israel and to take them on tours of Yad Vashem, Masada, the Dead Sea, the Sea of Galilee, Jerusalem and Tel Aviv;
  20. When I’m in Israel, I promise to lay tefillin at the Western Wall;
  21. I promise to fully cooperate with law enforcement in their investigations of my past crimes. I will attend depositions voluntarily. I will not invoke my 5th Amendment privilege. I shall name names and give testimony of those who helped me become a deceitful criminal;
  22. I promise not to take tens of thousands of dollars in campaign contributions from a Russian businessman with Kremlin ties. And at the same time criticize President Biden’s support for Ukraine’s self-defense against Russia’s invasion;
  23. With my newfound knowledge of Tikkun Olam, I promise to try to repair and heal the world;
  24. I promise to never again emulate the actions or the behavior of the 45th President of the United States.

In conclusion, I know my journey will not be easy. I know it will be very tough. I know that there will be many bumps on my road to redemption. I know that the Devil will hide behind my every corner looking to jump on my back. But I want to get on my knees and thank G-d and all those religious leaders who taught me the way and the Good Book for clearing my path to redemption. I know that the American experience is all about giving people a second chance and I’m begging you for that second chance. Thank you for listening to my mea culpa. Thanks for giving me my second chance. And if you have any questions please feel free to ask them now.

About the Author
Florida's Jewish short-story writer, speaker, film producer and retired attorney. He has authored, "A Hebraic Obsession", "The Hanukkah Bunny" and "The Greatest Gift." He produced an award-winning short film entitled, "The Stairs". Movie can be viewed on my TOI blog. ChatGPT says, Mort is known for his works that often explore themes of love, loss, and the human connection. Laitner has published several books , including “A Hebraic Obsession.” His writing style is characterized by its emotional depth and introspection. Laitner’s works have garnered praise for their heartfelt expression and keen insight into the human experience.
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