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Hell No, I Won’t Go! (Humor)

I sat at my desk, sipping my coffee and opening my emails. I found one from the White House. I took a second to stare at the beauty and simplicity of the White House emblem, then I read:

Dear Mort,

Since President Biden is one of your biggest fans, he asked me to contact you for a personal favor. Joe’s requesting that you write a reply to Trump’s request to debate him. Joe said he knows you will do him this favor based upon your obsession with the Donald.

So please email us your draft of Joe’s reply (no longer than 900 words) within the next two weeks. After Joe reads and mulls over your words, we’ll advise you if he’s going to run with it.

Thanks for helping us beat that dumb-ass loser again.

Signed: Chief of  Staff —Joe Biden’s 2024 Re-election Campaign.

BTW, Joe told me to tell you that he reads your blog in The Times of Israel almost every day and when he does he usually laughs his head off.

———————————————————–

I immediately started writing; here’s my work-product.

Dear Mr. Donald J. Trump:

I am sorry to inform you that I will not engage in any debate with you this election season. I do so for the following twenty-two (22) reasons:

  1. You’re attempting to destroy democracy, freedom and liberty and joking about it;

2.  You’ve taken away a woman’s right to choose and you’re proud of it;

3. You’re an insurrectionist and a traitor to this great nation;

4. You have never read the Constitution but you say, “It must be destroyed”;

5. You say you want to declare yourself dictator on day one; make yourself  president for the rest of your life; as president you will have no choice but to lock up your political opponents;

6. Well Mr. Authoritarian Wannabe, you ain’t no Putin and I don’t debate snakes who threaten to imprisonment me;

7. You pardoned your criminal cronies and friends and you have promised, if elected to pardon the jailed insurrectionists;

8. You watched and did nothing as people died and were injured on 1/6/21;

9. You’re an evil, lying son-of-a bitch and a fraud;

10. You wouldn’t know the truth if it hit you in the balls with a hammer;

11. You smell like a leaking diaper;

12. You’re trying to get your minions to harm me. (See your hog-tie post you posted on Truth Social);

13. You think the honorable members of our armed forces are suckers and losers;

14. You said, “Hell No, I Won’t Go” to your draft board; claiming you have bone spurs;

15. You hawk Bibles, a book that you have never read, while claiming to be a billionaire.

16. I never debate sneaker salesmen, nor clowns, nor psychos;

17. You think the Ten Commandments are a joke and you break them at will;

18. You want to abolish the FBI, the CIA, the Justice Department and the Department of Education;

19. You sleep with porn stars, while your wife is home taking care of your baby;

20. You’re a terrible example for our children;

21. To debate you would make me a hypocrite;

22. As a thief, who has stolen top secret documents and hid them in your bathroom, you are totally unworthy of the honor of being in my presence;

Donald, I will reconsider modifying my response to debating, if you commit in writing and do the following things.

Publically apologize to:

Senior citizens for threatening to take away their Social Security Benefits;

The hundreds of thousands victims of COVID that died because of your ignorant advice;

The young ladies of Texas who can’t get abortions because of your appointments to the Supreme Court;

Immigrants for calling them animals;

For separating immigrants at our borders from their babies and then putting them in cages, without proper food or medical supplies;

For making Americans listen to children cry and scream as they are separated from their mothers and fathers;

The people of Ukraine for allowing Putin to try steal their democracy, freedom and country;

NATO and our European allies for threatening to pull the US out of this alliance;

America’s middle-class tax payers for giving the one percent a trillion dollar tax break;

The Moscow prostitutes you paid to watch them pee on a bed that Barack and Michelle Obama slept in;

Stormy Daniels who you called a liar after you paid her for sexual favors;

To Evangelicals for making them agents of the Devil;

To the 35 women you accosted, molested or raped;

The family of Brian Sicknick, Capitol police officer who died because of the events you caused on  January 6, 2021;

All American Jews for your anti-Semitic wisecracks and tropes and for dining with the head of America’s Nazi Party and for lighting the fuse on America’s anti-Semitic time bomb;

Puerto Ricans for throwing them paper towel like they were a bunch of seals;

Haitian-Americans,  El Salvadorians and Africans for calling their place of birth,  shithole nations.”

Americans for trying to make the USA a banana republic;

People with disabilities that you mock;

The American people setting a standard as the cruelest, dumbest and most narcissistic president in American history;

The media for your disparaging remarks about their profession.

Therefore, Donald, to make this email simple enough for your minuscule brain to understand, when it comes to debating you, “Hell No, I Won’t Go!” because I hate your fucking guts. I despise you and everything you represent. You belong in hell with all the miscreants that support you. I hope I beat your butt so badly that you’ll crawl back into the hole from where you came and slither your way back to the gates of Hell.

Sincerely yours,

Signed: Joe Biden, President of the United States

About the Author
Florida's Jewish short-story writer, speaker, film producer and retired attorney. He has authored, "A Hebraic Obsession", "The Hanukkah Bunny" and "The Greatest Gift." He produced an award-winning short film entitled, "The Stairs". Movie can be viewed on my TOI blog. ChatGPT says, Mort is known for his works that often explore themes of love, loss, and the human connection. Laitner has published several books , including “A Hebraic Obsession.” His writing style is characterized by its emotional depth and introspection. Laitner’s works have garnered praise for their heartfelt expression and keen insight into the human experience.
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