Audrey Biloon

Living on the edge


FINALLY!! For your exciting senior living pleasure, located at Rivers Edge Retirement Community, on the corner of concurrent confusion and some semblance of sanity: INTERIOR BED CENTERED UNIT  (pictured above) with an exclusive view of the comings and goings of life on the edge, including pictures of windows, to display the outdoor enjoyment that more money can buy.

A “river” view, complete with sitting ducks, stray cats doing what stray cats do, fish (that smell fishy…which this ad is tending to be) and snakes, can be visually available, but the same will require extensive and expensive renovations, requiring wall removal, roof bracing and installation of actual windows to enhance the pockets of the brother in law of the corporate family decorator who brought you the last edgy wreckovation.

Straps on all bed centered units are available for your imaginative public displays of pleasure. Although the lower price of a strapless bed unit may be attractive to some, management assumes no responsibility for fallen women (or men) in any of those units.

Two public bathrooms are on the same floor of these unique units (which become private if your memory serves to lock the door) and prospective residents will be pleased to know that one of the bathrooms on each floor is usually working.

If both bathrooms are out of order, one elevator to other working and broken facilities is sometimes available. However, if not, the one up and down stairway provides excellent double coverage exercise potential.

If any resident is not into using the 24/7 stairway exercise program, another exercise option available is the spectator sport of watching the employees perform up and down stairway trips often, which also allows eyes to dry out and the added benefit of dry eye water weight loss, without ever having to move from the comfort of your strapped or strapless bed. Although management usually charges for its two most popular wait listed weight loss programs (the other usually wait listed program is The Fun of Weight Loss Through Inedible Food), for now, these two spectator programs are  included as a move in special.

Other on site exercises include:

bed races,


rocking in chairs,

watching for snakes,

calling for help to kill them (the snakes…not residents also rocking in chairs and scared strapless. Those residents off their rockers are on their own as far as protection goes).


making sure they’re not on the menu. By “they’re” not on the menu, reference is to the snakes, again, and not to the residents off their rockers. However, while on the topic of meals (although we weren’t on the topic we should be by now) since we are what we eat, be aware that although our wonderful kitchen staff has been instructed not to cook residents off of their rockers, if the staff becomes overly busy, from hours inversely proportional to their remuneration,, and such resident wanders in, dressed in a chicken costume, the staff is not responsible for confusing said resident with chicken parts delivered by the lowest food service bidder, then cooking and serving the same, under the guise of another fabulously fabricated fancy chicken dish name, which contained actual chickens used in other recipes, but given uniquely different names each time, made up by the offspring of various overpaid corporate officers, who majored in nutrition but couldn’t find a job that paid as well for an imaginary career as a dietitian, and crafted to tempt residents with bigger appetites than brains into mealtime excitement, as long as ice cream is served for dessert. The reader is warned to not even try to say that previous sentence in one breath, as management assumes no responsibility for those reading the same aloud, while not strapped down and then falling over from exhaustion,

Pricing for these amazing amenities, which changes by the market influenced nanosecond, are available, upon request. Answers will be returned only during nanoseconds when the market is at its highest rate.

For questions about the edge, upon which one may choose to live, or not (note: while bed jumping is encouraged for fun, jumping off of the edge is strongly discouraged, as management assumes no liability thereof, and therefore the jumper will absolutely not benefit physically from the experience and heirs will absolutely not benefit monetarily), please see the author, herself a resident, whom you will recognize as the only one walking for exercise while listening to podcasts or talking on her phone or writing blogs via the same device, as well as wandering before, during, and after meals, from table to table, then to the coffee station, back again for something forgotten, and beyond, clearly far from any rocker…all due to her ADDDDDD, which is a very easily distracted, but always focused state, of mind, such as her mind is, which it always is (distracted but focused) until it is supposed to be turned off when asleep (which it isn’t) and then on again when awake, when it should be napping or turned off by autocorrect, a senior moment, or……mmmm…..I wonder if two beds can fit in that room?

About the Author
Having been a teacher, social worker, radio show host(ess), newspaper columnist and lawyer, Audrey, now retired, writes, teaches improv, performs stand up comedy, and continues to practice turning stress into gratitude……which is sort of like practicing law: the practice won’t always result in perfection.
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