Things have changed rather a lot since my last blog (which I think was back in 1979). People are finally cottoning on to the fact that the only way to save the world and all of humanity (in the absence of Will Smith or Bruce Willis) is to stay home and watch telly.
I mean COME ON!
I’ve been saying that for the past five years. And I know people are preaching that we must use this unexpected downtime to learn Swahili, read War and Peace and write sonnets, but seriously? I can just about keep on top of the cooking, cleaning, shouting, crying, hiding my last sacred bars of Dairy Milk and watching telly, (this is obviously not in order of importance), without the added pressure of having to learn the chords of ‘Imagine’ on the guitar.
So as things have rapidly altered, I thought it would be useful to re-introduce all the members of the household to remind you who everyone is and explain their vital role within the Sugarpuff clan.
This blog episode re-introduces Tidy Husband.
I am assuming that his name is self-explanatory, but – for the slower amongst us – he is called that because he is my Husband and he is Tidy. Tidy Husband is a personal fitness coach, spinning instructor and mountain climber – such a lazy sod. I’m embarrassed.
To climb mountains, he usually needs to fly somewhere where there is a mountain. Flying is proving particularly tricky during this ‘only celebrities may fly – as long as they wear gloves and a mask’ period we are currently experiencing. Additionally, he is finding it difficult to ‘work from home’ as it turns out there aren’t a huge number of mountains to climb in our house. He did discover a clothes mountain in one of the kids bedrooms but he said the view wasn’t great from the top.
Due to his unwillingness to walk to Mount Kilimanjaro (I told you he was lazy), or even cycle to Mount Everest (disappointing), that part of his job has had to be postponed for the time being.
So, instead of being away for 2-3 weeks at a time like usual, he is now At Home. With Me. Watching My Every Move. As a result, Lockdown is not going quite as expected.
My Daily Lockdown Plan was going to be perfect as it was very similar to my Daily Pre-Lockdown Plan. I envisaged awaking around 8, enjoying a leisurely breakfast outside (weather permitting) before slotting in a second sleep before lunch. After lunch I imagined selecting my day attire, (a choice between my Primark ‘Love To Lounge’ Pyjamas or Tesco ‘LeisureWear’ onesie), watching some telly (well, maybe quite a bit of telly), having my daily portion of Ben & Jerry’s, napping a while, asking someone to make me a cup of tea, watching some more telly and squeezing in a quick blast of Candy Crush, finishing the day with some Dairy Milk before retiring to bed.
With Tidy Husband now at home, Daily Lockdown Plan has been scuppered.
He appears to want things … tidy. Exceptionally … tidy. This means that some extra-curricular unexpected activities have had to be slotted into my meticulous agenda. Apart from cleaning the bathroom more than once a month (apparently this wasn’t acceptable), his expectations include something to eat at least once a day, clean clothes for his online spinning sessions and me getting up off beige sofa at least twice a day (unfair I feel).
I queried the need for clean clothes seeing as his fitness sessions are now online with no one there to smell him. Seeing as we always remain 6 feet away from each other, (we did this even before the Lockdown), the smell won’t bother me either.
We are still in negotiations regarding eating. My foods of choice are ice cream (currently hidden under some left over bolognaise that no one liked), and chocolate (also hidden but the whereabouts cannot be divulged as I don’t know who’s reading this). These food items require no preparation whereas Tidy Husband prefers to eat foods that need cooking. And I’m not really one for cooking.
The negotiations are ongoing.
To end on a positive note, as Tidy Husband is a fitness instructor, I now have personalized work-out sessions every day. I think I have lost three stone since the Lockdown began.
(That last sentence is a lie).