Look who I found on JDate!

Hey Nick– 

I like your description of yourself on JDate as being “a real saint” — I am so tired of guys trying to seem cool, you know… bad boy types. You sound fun, and I could use someone more cheery and jolly in my life right now.  And no, “jolly” is not a crack about your size — I like the cuddly type. But I think HWP (height and weight proportional) is pushing it a little, no? Props on the good picture angle, though — and for being brave enough to wear red at your size. Also, Nick — mid-50s? Really?? I did like that you added that you are really ageless — that was cute. You do sound sweet, generous, and kind of worldly… and I do think we might have a lot in common.  

I AM a dog lover, too!  Do you really have eight dogs though? Prancer and Rudolph and all the other pets you list are your dogs, right? And I love that you like winter sports — me too! Do you have a ski house? I’ve never gone sledding at night, but that sounds so romantic… And so is saying that you can see me in your mind when I’m sleeping and when I’m awake — I think about you a lot too. And singing?? Yes, I love singing! I don’t get who Carol is, though. Is that your ex? Anyway, I definitely see some late night karaoke in our future.  

One thing — your perfect first date is coming down my chimney? That sounds a little sketchy and stalky — you can use the front door. And we are so not staying in by the fireplace on our first date — you can take me out, thank you very much. 

When you first messaged me, I thought I was being catfished — your picture looks so familiar, it’s like you’re using someone else’s picture, someone famous maybe? Actually, you look a little like a guy I once saw my mother with, but that’s a whole other story, and I don’t think that’s it. Could it be that you go to my shul? Oh wait — I just saw that you’re not Jewish, but “Willing to Convert.” Before things go any further, I just have to tell you that being Jewish is a real deal-breaker for me, so I hope you’re really planning on converting. Did you grow up Christian — or with any religion at all?

You sound kind of sensitive re the white hair, but I have to tell you — I don’t think it makes you look old, and I like it. Hey, at least you have hair! I think dying it darker would be a really bad idea — but maybe cut it a little? And trim that hipster beard?

I’m looking forward to finally meeting you IRL (in real life) — do we really have to wait until after the 25th? What kind of work are you in, anyway? Is it like a tax season? 

Your description of your job is confusing — I get that you manage workshop operations of a large foreign corp, and that you do performance assessment, develop compensation plans, define deliverables and do some local interviewing in shopping malls. But by managing a team of small people did you mean managing a small team of people? And was sampling milk and cookies a joke? And how can you only be in the coal business sometimes? And you work with children? Very mysterious — I sense there’s a story here. But anyway, I am glad that you are coming to town — especially when you usually get in only once a year — and that we can finally get together. You can tell me more then.

BTW, when you said that what you learned from past relationships was that you and your ex are poles apart, you made me realize how much we really have common. I often feel that way about my ex, too.  I swear, sometimes I feel like his heart is literally two sizes too small. You are divorced and not just separated though, right? And we are so on the same page about children. I think you will love mine. It does take a village! I believe in positive reinforcement and rewarding good behavior too, although I don’t like to use “naughty” — I prefer “not your best choice.” You never said exactly how many kids you have, though — it sounds like a lot.

So excited to finally see you — I’ve been counting the days! The presents you’ve been sending me are very sweet, but you don’t have to keep doing that. It feels a little like you are love-bombing me. I hope you are not one of those guys that seems too good to be true and then ghosts me… Hmmm.  Anyway, all I want for Hanukkah is you!

Illustrative. (iStock)